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Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister-in-law “Megan” recently needed me to watch her 3-year-old son “Jordan” for a few hours while she took her dog to the vet’s. When she arrived with Jordan to drop him off, I noticed he was rubbing his eyes. In response to my asking if he was upset, Megan said he’d gotten some shampoo in his eyes when she’d washed his hair and joked about Johnson & Johnson being anything but tear-free. But it turns out Megan was hiding something major from us…

In reality, Jordan had a case of pinkeye, and myself, my husband, and our two kids all caught it!

Megan swears up and down that she didn’t know, but I don’t believe her for an instant. I think she knew damn well what was going on with her son and that no babysitter would be willing to watch a kid with an eye infection and didn’t want to cancel taking the dog to the vet (it wasn’t for anything serious, just some vaccines). After this, I am no longer willing to watch Jordan until he’s past daycare age, when he’ll be less likely to be harboring things like this. My husband says I’m being unreasonable. Considering we all had to go through a week of eye drops and both my husband and I had to use up sick days because we were contagious, I don’t think I am. Who’s right?

—Pissed Over Pinkeye

Dear Pissed,

No one ever wants to have pinkeye, and it sucks that your week was derailed by it. But if someone I liked and trusted told me she really didn’t know her kid had pinkeye when she dropped him off with me, I’d be inclined to believe her? Is there some complicated history between you and Megan, something that led to suspicion or bad feelings preceding this incident? It seems like you’re assuming bad faith on her part where others, like your husband, might not—but maybe she’s given you some reason not to trust her.

My In-Laws Pulled a Cruel and Devastating Stunt at Our Wedding. I’m Not Sure I Can Ever Let It Go. Help! My Fiancé’s Demand for Our Wedding Is Going to Wound Me Deeply. Is There Any Hope for Us? My Partner Has Suddenly Decided My Job Isn’t Hard Enough My Daughter Can’t Seem to Get Behind a Basic Part of Growing Up. It’s Become a Daily Battle.

Pinkeye or no, if you don’t want to provide childcare for family members, there’s no rule saying you have to. But you might be in for an awkward conversation about why you’re unwilling to babysit going forward. There might be some hard feelings, and naturally you also couldn’t expect any childcare help from your in-laws. Maybe you’re totally fine with all those consequences! But given that this is your husband’s family and he might not be, the two of you may need to talk some more to try to get on the same page. (It is an option for him to continue to watch Jordan on occasion, even if you don’t want to, but of course it would probably still be at your house.)

I think common courtesy demands that we let others know if someone in our family has this or that symptom, or is actively sick, assuming we really are aware in advance. But it’s very possible to not know that someone has caught something until after someone else has been exposed. We all catch germs from family members and friends and their kids—it’s part of having other people in our lives. You and/or your kids have probably also passed along viruses that infected someone else, before you knew that you were contagious; I imagine you wouldn’t want those people assuming you did so deliberately.

—Nicole

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