Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here.

Dear Prudence,

I am 28 years old and getting married at the end of the year. We are having an adult-only wedding because the venue is small, and there are many children in our families. Moreover, we are having bridesmaids and groomsmen, each of whom is a close friend. One of my bridesmaids is “Marie,” 32 years old—my paternal first-cousin “Joseph’s” wife. Joseph has a 41-year-old older sister, “Michelle.” Michelle and I have zero relationship in part due to the age gap and in part due to narcissistic stunts pulled by her over the years, which have alienated my mother and Marie. There have never been boundaries between Michelle and her mother, my aunt, who together with my dad work in the family business. Michelle got married when I was 15, and I was a bridesmaid—and that is where my trouble really began.

About 1.5 years after Michelle’s wedding, she pulled one of her stunts: My mother received an email from Michelle indicating that she heard that my family was thinking about going on a vacation and requesting that we not go so that her mother could come up from Florida to take her shopping for two items on her baby registry. When my mom replied no and that the vacation had been booked, Michelle stated, “I don’t like that” and proceeded to unleash her mother and our grandmother to vilify my mother for years. Her other self-absorbed actions have included threatening to withhold her own kids from her parents if they didn’t give her money, and kicking her father when she thought he was favoring her brother. Notably, when Joseph and Marie were first engaged, Marie, as a goodwill gesture to Michelle, whom she barely knew, invited her to be one of her bridesmaids. Michelle threw a tantrum by yelling at Marie in front of most of our family that she was insulted that she was not the matron of honor. Then, at Marie’s wedding, she angrily whined during family photos because she was not in every one.

In July, I asked Michelle to do a reading at my wedding, to which she did not reply. The next day, I informed her, upon the request of her mother, that no children would be invited. She then promptly replied that she would not attend, which was the last time I heard from her. When she discovered that Marie would be a bridesmaid, she told my dad that her mother “forced her” to have me as a bridesmaid, so we “owe” her the same. Also, she screamed that we were disgusting for not inviting her children and then quit her gig job working for my father. Subsequently, she has gotten her mother and our grandmother to harass my dad multiple times a month. My aunt, who has never had the guts to stand up to her daughter, is now torn because Michelle has threatened to withhold her children from her mother if she invites my father to any family gatherings.

Recently, when my fiancé and I took my grandma out to lunch, she privately confronted me and implied that I am horrible just like my mother and became enraged because I was forthcoming and said that under no circumstance will Michelle be a bridesmaid because we have no relationship and she treats my mother terribly. She seemingly assumed that my mother had a hand in the wedding plans (she did not) and then proceeded to badmouth her with falsehoods. My dad told my aunt and grandma that it is “out of his hands” during their efforts to undermine my fiancé and my wedding choices, but he has not told them to stop trying to undermine our plans. I would like to call my grandmother and aunt and tell them to stay out of it and if they can’t do that, just stay home. How can I put a stop to this?

— Blushing Bride

Jenée Desmond-Harris: One strong belief I have, which I often bring up in responses to letters, is that nobody wants to come to your wedding as much as you think they do and nobody wants to be your bridesmaid as much as you think they do. But once in a while I’m wrong, and this is one of those times. Michelle desperately wants to find childcare for her children and be a bridesmaid for a person who she isn’t close to and has recently screamed at. I’ll never understand why but these are the facts we’re working with.

Lizzie O’Leary: One of my strong beliefs, and I often tell this to engaged people, is that someone will always cause major drama around/before/at a wedding, and often you cannot predict who it will be! A few weeks before my wedding, one of my loveliest and most relaxed relatives was a total nightmare who caused me to weep copiously. Good times. Another friend had drama from their fiancé’s childhood barber (really!). In this case, it sounds like the drama is coming from a familiar character, though. This is going to be a case for deploying some of the skills I have learned parenting a toddler. Namely: very calm, gentle, firm boundaries.

Jenée: Will it take too long or can you summarize the childhood barber drama?

Lizzie: To protect the identity of those involved, I will only say there was a high-stakes ask to expand the guest list so as to shield the feelings of said barber. Weddings are crazy!

Jenée: Wow. But you’re right about the unexpected, random, and often (as in this case) not very close to the couple people often creating chaos. Since this is supposed to be a brutally honest chat, I am going to share what you said to me in Slack yesterday as we tried to set up a time to discuss the letter “”Also this LW just needs to push this cousin into the ocean and never look back.” I feel like that pretty much covers it!

Lizzie: Lololololol I mean … yes. I see two issues here. The wedding itself and the more complicated family game of telephone nastiness. Look, I had a no-kids wedding. I love kids! But we had a tiny ceremony followed by a giant party in a warehouse in Bushwick and it was not kid-appropriate. I offered to help people find sitter recommendations, etc., but I was firm on this. Trust me that you didn’t want your child in a weird crumbling warehouse dance party.

Jenée: I wish I would have known you and been invited to your wedding rave! Because I’m always wishy-washy, I had a “sort of no kids” wedding. I think we phrased it as “We’d like the reception to be for adults but if you need to bring your kids talk to us and we’ll work something out.” So we had maybe four and it was fine. But I don’t really understand why people get mad about this either way. If you really want to go, you’ll make arrangements for your kids, and if you can’t, you have the perfect excuse to stay home!

Lizzie: And honestly, I don’t really want to attend a wedding with my child. I want to have fun, not locate a beige carb for him. Anyway, as for the family: They are all addicted to gossip and they need to knock it off. I think you can, politely but firmly, tell grandma that this is a stressful process and say you know how much she understands it’s weighing on you (grandma is not actually understanding, but we are pretending, and making her feel important). But, these are your decisions and then stand firm. If she squawks, treat her like a toddler. “I know, it’s really hard. And it feels upsetting. But that’s the decision.”

Jenée: Is there an advice book about how to use toddler tactics on problematic adults? Because if not, I think you should write it. That’s the perfect tone to strike. And also, what makes this situation easy is that everyone who is mad at the letter writer is unreasonable and awful.

My Daughter Did a Favor for a Popular Girl at School. Her Brother Told Me How It Ended. My Uncle the Priest Is Coming to Visit for Father’s Day, and My Mom Has Made an Unholy Request Help! I’ve Found There Is One Way to Get the Medical Care You Need. My Boyfriend Refuses to Do It. I Discovered Something in My Husband’s Underwear Drawer. Uh, I Think He Has Something Big He Needs to Tell Me.

Lizzie: Maybe this advice book is our fallback plan when journalism crumbles. Lolsob. Yeah, the LW is in the right here, and being calm and firm just makes it clearer that grandma, the aunt, and the bananas cousin are all being jerks.

Jenée: I don’t even know if calling the aunt and grandma is worth it. Maybe it’s more like, you tell them to stay out of it by absolutely not caring about anything they say or ever responding. They are free to hate everything about your wedding and be upset, and you can just keep doing everything as planned and there are the ones whose cortisol levels are going to rise and take a toll on their health.

Lizzie: Yes! Sometimes my therapist tells me not to engage when I want to just sort of have the final word and this is the family equivalent. It doesn’t need a response! If they raise it directly, fine. Or if the dad does, also fine. But just be unbothered. They are unreasonable. LW is not.

Jenée: Also, Michelle should be fired from doing the reading. (Why was she asked in the first place??)

Lizzie: Oh yeah, eff that. Sorry, Michelle. Tough.