DEAR CAROLINE: I fear my wife has dementia. The signs are clear but she doesn’t see them. How do I get her to accept that something is wrong?

Q I met my wife when we were both 15. We wed five years later and had our wonderful daughter. In nearly 60 years together, I’ve always felt lucky to have had such a good marriage, but recently my wife has started acting out of character. 

She has always been confident and independent but is now anxious about seeing friends or going out, which has left me concerned. At first, small things seemed amiss – leaving car keys in the fridge or making tea without a tea bag. Now she won’t go shopping unless I’m with her. 

The moment that truly alarmed me was when she forgot our only daughter’s birthday. It broke my heart and made me see something was very wrong. She won’t acknowledge these changes, which adds to the strain. 

I initially thought it might be just age, but now I fear it is dementia – which she has always dreaded after caring for her parents who had it. I’m scared about the future. The signs are clear but she either doesn’t see them or doesn’t want to. I don’t know how to get her to accept something is wrong or agree we need help. 

I made a vow to care for her in sickness and in health – and I intend to keep it.

A Seeing the woman you’ve loved for so long change must be heartbreaking. While dementia shouldn’t be assumed without a proper diagnosis, her forgetfulness, social withdrawal and loss of independence is concerning. 

I understand why your wife is reluctant to address your worries because, after seeing her parents suffer dementia, she is no doubt scared. The condition itself can also cause lack of insight that things are not right. However, getting her diagnosed as soon as possible is important as it will allow you to access support and plan for the future. 

Suggest gently that the two of you visit your GP to address her ‘not feeling herself lately’. It may help to explain that her symptoms could be caused by something that’s treatable, such as a vitamin deficiency or a thyroid problem. Before the appointment, perhaps jot down examples of symptoms you’ve noticed. The Alzheimer’s Society has a helpful list of symptoms at alzheimers.org.uk/checklist. 

I can see by the love and concern in your letter that I probably don’t need to say it is important to keep calm when talking to her and try to avoid sounding stressed or angry, which will make her more anxious. 

You, too, need a lot of support, so do contact the society’s dementia support line (0333 150 3456). Its dedicated dementia advisers can offer a listening ear and sometimes even visit people at home, providing guidance on issues from putting in place Lasting Power of Attorney to accessing support groups. Connecting with others in a similar situation will help you feel less overwhelmed.

IS MY EX-HUSBAND JEALOUS OF MY NEW PARTNER?

Q Three years ago, my husband and I divorced amicably – or so I thought. It was emotionally and financially difficult, but we managed and co-parented our teenage children well. Six months ago, I met someone and we’re very much in love. 

Since I told my ex, though, he’s become distant and cold. He used to come in for a coffee when picking up the kids, and now he barely makes eye contact. The children say he’s clearly unhappy about my new relationship. It’s made me wonder if, deep down, he hoped we might reconcile, and perhaps the split was more my decision than his. 

While I have no desire to get back together, I’m deeply saddened to be losing the friendship of someone I still care about. I am also worried about how we will continue to co-parent in the future.

A I understand your sadness. I often hear people talk of ‘failed’ marriages, but one that ends has not necessarily failed – it might have had many positives, though not enough to hold two people together. However, I’d see coming out of a marriage while staying friends and making sure the children are happy as a big success. 

Your ex clearly still loves you and likely harboured hopes you’d get back together, so hearing about your new partner will be a loss for him and he’ll need time to adjust – hence the coldness. 

Try to gently explain that you are sad he is upset by this. Tell him that you appreciate how hard he’s worked with you to co-parent amicably and you hope in time you’ll be friends again. 

Remember, too, that you are allowed to build a new life. I hope things get better with a little time.