Dear Jane,

My daughter is 15 and has just started high school.

She went to a private school up until this year, but my husband and I pulled her out because we can't afford it anymore.

I was really nervous to put her into public school; we don't live in the nicest neighborhood, and some of the kids around town can be pretty rough.

But to my surprise, she seemed to fit in well. By the end of her first week, she had slotted into a group of girls that seemed nice enough.

However, I'm now realizing these girls might not be the best influence on my daughter.

You see, a few weeks ago, as was washing dishes in front of our window that looks out into our backyard, I noticed my daughter hiding behind a bush in the garden. So I quietly went outside to see what she was doing.

As I got closer, I saw clouds of smoke billowing up from the bushes. My daughter was looking the opposite way, so she didn't see me spying and I couldn't make out what she was smoking.

Dear Jane: I caught my teenage daughter doing something sickening in our backyard. 

Despite my initial anger, I decided not to react and went back inside without revealing myself.

When her father got home from work, I told him what happened, but he refused to believe me. He said I probably misunderstood what I saw and that there was 'no way our daughter is a smoker.'

But, a few days later, when I drove to pick up my daughter from the mall, where she had been hanging out with her new girl group, I caught them passing around a vape pen.

My daughter didn't realize I'd seen her in the act, so when she got in the car, I calmly asked her if she had just been hitting a vape. She insisted she hadn't participated in the vaping that her friends were doing and that she had never smoked anything in her life.

I decided not to tell her I had seen her vaping in the backyard, but I did give her a long-winded lecture about the dangers of vaping, and she promised she would never do it.

However, today I caught my daughter once again vaping behind the garden bush.

Now, not only am I upset with my daughter for vaping, but I am also angry that she is lying to me and making false promises.

I'm terrified of how addictive these things are. How can I make her stop without isolating her from her new friends? Do I need to pull her out of the public school?

From,

Blowing Smoke

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most burning issues in her agony aunt column

Dear Blowing Smoke,

I know how overwhelming it can be when our children are seemingly flying off the rails and we, as parents, feel unable to stop the downward spiral. 

However, I am wondering why you didn't step in when you first saw your daughter smoking in the garden.

You said you felt initial anger and decided not to react — which is good, because reacting in anger is never a wise choice. But, I am curious as to why you didn't sit your daughter down to talk once you had calmed down.

You need to remember that your job as parents is not to be friends with your child. Your job is to set rules and enforce consequences when they are broken.

The fact is, you saw your daughter vaping, you didn't say anything and now she's lying about it.

There's only one thing to do here: you and your husband need to put up a united front and sit your daughter down for a firm conversation.

Hard conversations help children make better choices. When you see your child engaging in a behavior that is bad for them, it is your duty as a parent to speak up.

Frankly, I think your daughter lying about the vaping is more egregious than the vaping itself.

Of course, she is a child and children lie, but there must be consequences for dishonesty. Maybe you confiscate her phone, or ground her... the choice is yours.

Talk to your daughter in a way that makes her feel safe enough to be open and honest with you, rather than coming down on her like a ton of bricks.

Lastly, know that peer pressure is enormous at any high school, it doesn't matter whether private or public.

In fact, I would argue that, because children in private schools have access to more money, there are more opportunities there for danger.