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Dear Care and Feeding,

My ex-husband “Nick” and I have a 12-year-old son, “Andy,” and a 7-year-old daughter, “Amy.” Our custody arrangement is 50/50, with the kids alternating spending holidays with myself and my husband and with my ex. This year was Nick’s turn to have the kids with him for Easter.  The problem is that he did something so irresponsible with Andy that I am considering trying to get the custody arrangement altered to be the primary parent.

After the kids came home from their dad’s, I went into Andy’s room to find him counting some money on his bed, including a $50 bill along with a lot of $1s and $5s. When I asked him where it came from, he said his dad had paid him $50 for bartending after Easter dinner. The rest of the money was “tips” from family members. I asked him if he meant like an actual bartender where he mixed and served drinks, and he said yes. Once I made certain Andy hadn’t consumed any alcohol, I immediately phoned Nick.

Not only did he admit to “hiring”” Andy to tend bar, he even said this wasn’t the first time it’s happened! It turns out that he taught Andy how to mix drinks just before Thanksgiving. Nick said he didn’t see anything wrong with it; Andy thought it was fun and enjoyed getting a little extra spending money. I told him in no uncertain terms this was NEVER to happen again. When he had the nerve to accuse me of spoiling a good thing, I told him we’d see if the court shared that opinion and that until we got this resolved, the kids wouldn’t be coming over.

My husband says that Nick did a dumb thing, but it’s not worth “upsetting the apple cart” by going to court so long as he agrees Andy won’t be serving any more liquor, since Nick has otherwise been a responsible parent. As far as I’m concerned, this was a pretty major fuck-up and I think a lesson needs to be learned here. Am I right?

—Shaken

Dear Shaken,

As a preface, I should say I’m Muslim, so I usually don’t have to worry about alcohol at family gatherings. But from what I’ve gathered, alcohol plays a pretty central role at many people’s family events. So it’s safe to say your son is going to encounter alcohol, whether that’s watching someone pour bourbon over ice or cracking open a beer for family members himself.

Is it normal to recruit a 12-year-old as the family bartender? Probably not. This is not Mad Men. But is it cause to blow up the custody agreement? That’s a much harder call, and I worry you might be reacting more out of fear and frustration than measured concern.

The two big questions I’d ask are: Was your son in danger? And was he doing anything he didn’t want to do? From your description, the answer to both seems to be no. You’re entitled to believe your ex showed bad judgment. And sure, him accusing you of “ruining a good thing” is an annoying thing to say that probably lit a fire inside of you. But before escalating to lawyers and judges, consider the context: Were there other kids his age at the gathering? What would your son have been doing otherwise? Was he going to be stuck around tipsy adults anyway? I can see how bartending—especially when it earned him lots of tips and attention—might have felt empowering or fun. That’s not to say it was the right choice, but I’d urge you to consider the whole picture before taking this further.

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Also, it’s important to separate the offense from the fallout. Co-parenting almost always involves a difference in values and risk tolerance. One thing that’s helped me and my spouse is remembering that it’s normal for our kids to get different things from each of us. You’re not going to be able to micromanage every moment of your child’s life when they’re with your ex, and that’s OK. It builds flexibility.

Does that mean never bring up your concerns or set boundaries? Of course not. Reaffirm to your ex you don’t want your son serving alcohol, explain why, and confirm it will not happen again. But try to approach it as a conversation and not a threat. Your goal here is to protect your son. Don’t let that become anything else.

In the meantime, focus on what you can control. Talk to your son about alcohol—what it is, what it does, and why adults need to be careful around it. Give him other ways to feel grown-up and helpful. Help him learn how to say no, or how to opt into safer ways of being part of the party.

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