How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It, 

I’m friends with a girl, “Hannah,” who goes to my university. Hannah came from a pretty repressive household and is still a virgin, even though she’s 19. The other day, she made a request that took me by surprise. She asked if I would be willing to have sex with her so she could “get started.”

When I asked why she would want this from me, her reply was that she feels comfortable with me and that she knows I wouldn’t judge her. While I’m flattered she thinks so highly of me, there’s a very good reason I won’t be able to help her out: I’m gay.

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Hannah is aware of this, but wants me to make “an exception” for her. I’ve joked that being gay doesn’t work like that—it isn’t something you turn on and off, but she keeps bringing it up. I don’t want to lose her as a friend, but the propositioning is starting to wear thin. What can I do to get the message across that she will need to look elsewhere?

—Sorry, Not on That Team!

Dear Not on That Team,

Try this: “Hannah, I think you’re wonderful, and I value you as a friend. You’re female, though, and I’m only interested in men when it comes to sexual activity. Yes, some people are bisexual or otherwise flexible in their sexual orientation. I’m not. It’s nothing personal, it’s just the way I’m wired.”

If you’re willing to help her look for a more suitable first partner, go ahead and offer to do so. And if she persists, let her know that she’s veering into coercion territory, and, if this feels accurate, that she’s treating you more like an object of defloweration than a human, much less a friend.

—Jessica

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