Dear Jane,

I recently went through a very traumatic divorce after my husband left me for a far younger woman. Just months earlier, I had lost my mother to cancer.

With all the turbulence in my life, I decided to seek professional help.

My therapist, a kind middle-aged man, helped me so much. It felt amazing to have someone to talk to about everything.

Now I've been meeting with him twice weekly for almost three months, but I fear he has just crossed a line.

You see, I'm the head chef at a popular restaurant in town. And when my job came up in conversation recently, my therapist mentioned how much he loves our food.

The next time I was scheduled to see him, just hours before the appointment, I got a text from him asking if I was coming straight from work. 

I said that yes, I was, and he replied asking if I could bring him some food from the restaurant as he hadn't had time to grab lunch that day.

Dear Jane: My therapist just asked me to do something totally inappropriate to make him happy.

I was a little taken aback by the request, but I decided I might be reading too much into it, so I put one of our pasta dishes in a to-go box and brought it with me.

But then requests continued.

He texted again, asking if I could 'pull some strings' and make him a dinner reservation for a Saturday night because we were all booked up online. I said I would move some things around and see what I could do and, luckily, I was able to make space for his group.

A few days later, he sent me a very specific food order for me to bring to the appointment, consisting of multiple dishes - and a dessert! 

This time, I told him I wouldn't be coming from work, so I couldn't make that happen, and the atmosphere at the appointment felt different - almost like he was angry at me.

But the final straw was earlier this week. At the end of our appointment, he told me he had made a reservation at my restaurant for his upcoming birthday, and asked if I could throw in some wine 'on the house' or a 'friends and family' discount. I felt put on the spot, so I told him I would see what I could do, but I know for certain I can not keep giving this man freebies!

I'm in a tricky situation here because my therapist has helped me so much, and I really do need our sessions; however, the constant requests for favors are making me uncomfortable.

How can I tell him to lay off without offending him or making things awkward?

From,

Therap*ssed off

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most burning issues in her agony aunt column

Dear Therap*ssed off,

Here's the thing with therapists: however much they may have helped you, however dependent you may feel on them, they are replaceable. 

Good therapists may be hard to find, but  there are plenty of alternatives out there who will not cross these boundaries.

In mixing the personal and professional, your therapist has broken the sacred code of trust you have. I can feel your resentment building towards him just from your letter alone, and I urge you to address this immediately.

You don't necessarily have to leave him, but you do have to address this clearly. 

If your therapist is indeed as helpful as you say he is, I'm guessing he will have taught you how to set clear boundaries, and now you must put those skills into action.

It's always difficult to let someone know how their behavior has negatively impacted you, but if you don't say anything, you're only going to keep being hurt. 

The next time you see your therapist, tell him you feel betrayed and taken advantage of when he asks you for favors because of your job. 

Be clear about how uncomfortable it makes you, and express that you no longer feel safe seeing him professionally.

It is not your job to worry about how he feels after being called out on his bad behavior. Any therapist worth their salt will immediately see the transgression, apologize, and change their behavior.

But even if he does say sorry, you don't have to keeping seeing him. 

Take your own temperature after you tell him how you feel, and decide whether you would feel comfortable seeing him again.

With proper reflection, I suspect you may not feel comfortable continuing this therapy journey. At which point, I'd advise you to start searching for a new counsellor immediately.