Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Our 11-year-old daughter, “Lola,” wants to make a significant change to her appearance.

She wants a side-shave haircut like the one Natalie Dormer had during some of Game of Thrones and the singer Cassie had for a while. We also have two boys, and we’ve always said that our kids’ clothes and the presentation of their hair and bodies in general are theirs to make decisions about. The boys have had mohawks, buzz cuts, and long flowing locks over the years.

But our daughter is extremely sensitive to the judgment of others. She’s thrown sweaters and jackets into the dumpsters at school after other kids made fun of them (for petty, transient kid reasons that had nothing to do with objective reality: She did not “look like a porcupine” in her light grey cashmere sweater from Grandma!). She has spent the last year growing out her bob because kids called her Dora the Explorer. (The bob in particular was a disaster, as she came home complaining about being teased daily all year. Most days, she wore a hat. It didn’t help.)

My husband and I are at odds over this and need a tie-breaker. He says she should get the haircut she wants and learn from the mistake if it draws unwanted attention, but I’m concerned that it will interfere with her social interactions and even possibly her schoolwork, as her level of preoccupation with her previous haircut was pretty consuming. She’s dead-set on the high-side shave cut, but she was also adamant about the bob. Help!

—Tired of Taunting

Dear Tired,

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While I’m puzzled by your husband’s assertion that she’ll learn from her “mistake” if it draws unwanted attention (if that were true, wouldn’t she have already learned that lesson from the bob? What would make this time different?), I’m also not a fan of forbidding the haircut. It’s her hair, after all. The way she wants to wear it should always be her decision to make. I find it hard to believe that she doesn’t know she’s taking a risk (she’s 11, not 3), but I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to very gently remind her how regretful she was about last year’s haircut and ask her outright if she’s prepared for the possibility that she’ll be unhappy about this one too. I imagine she’ll say this is different because she really really wants this haircut, and besides, she’s sure that everyone will think this one is cool because this one is cool, and also she doesn’t care what anybody thinks.

It’s possible, in fact, that she is testing out the latter notion: trying to become that sort of person. For, unless she has the memory of a goldfish—and the self-awareness of a rock—instead of that of an 11-year-old human, she knows both that she may be teased and that she hates being teased. Wanting to get a haircut that will draw attention to her appearance sounds to me like a possible act of bravery for this kid (even if she’s not consciously aware of that). The only other possibility is that she’s a glutton for punishment. But if she were, why toss the sweater in the dumpster or wear a hat?

Allison Price Read More

Your best move is to support her. Not just in wearing her hair however she wants to, but also afterward, when she is teased for it (as I too suppose she will be, because she’s been identified as an easy target, and kids this age can be mean), and comes home complaining once again. Don’t say, “Well, we told you so,” or point out that this happens “every time.” Empathize with her by saying, “It’s hard not to care what other people think, I know.” Then help her strategize ways to deal with this. For a child who is, as you say, especially sensitive to what others say about or to her (though I would posit that most children are!), it’s never too early—nor is it now too late—to work on self-confidence, assertiveness, boundary-setting, emotional regulation/reactiveness, and other life skills. Role-play can be helpful in these conversations (let her be the teaser and you the teasee).

—Michelle

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