How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My mother-in-law moved in with my wife and me after she divorced my FIL. The problem is that she’s enacted an overly personal—and completely authoritative—rule about my sex life.

She has demanded that my wife and I not have sex until she moves out because it makes her “uncomfortable” (and yet the woman keeps pestering us for grandchildren!). In addition to this being an absurd request, my MIL has made no effort to find a place of her own. We have taken her to see a few flats, but she has found fault with all of them. To make matters worse, my wife has gone along with her mother’s request to the extent that our sex life is reduced to when she is out of the house or otherwise indisposed. When I point out that we shouldn’t have to behave like teenagers sneaking around IN OUR OWN HOME, my wife keeps assuring me that “it won’t be for much longer.”

It’s been three months, and I’m bloody sick of this shit. Would I be within my rights to tell the old battle axe to bugger off and mind her own business or move out?

—Dealing With Sex Police

Dear Dealing With Sex Police,

I think it is within your rights to tell your mother in law to bugger off and mind her own business or move out. The question is: Should you? It sounds like the situation is strained as it is, and adding actual conflict probably won’t make anyone feel better. I’m not sure that it’ll make your wife more amenable to having sex with you. She seems motivated to respect her mother’s wishes, as overbearing as they are. Plus, you have workarounds: You have sex when your MIL is not around. This isn’t ideal, but neither is having an extended family member moving in with you for an unspecified period of time.

If you have the means, I recommend regular “date nights” with your wife so that you can go elsewhere for your privacy. Hotels, sex clubs, whatever. It’s another less than ideal workaround, sure, but at least it could increase the opportunities for sex. Your mother in law may have good reasons for asking you to refrain from sex around her: Maybe she’s heard you before and you’re very loud. That can be uncomfortable and despite it being in your house, would be technically inconsiderate. All of this would matter less if your wife was on the same page as you, but she’s not and so respecting your wife’s mother is one and the same with respecting your wife here. It’s clear that she’s willing to go along with what her mother says, but how does she feel about it? Talk about it. Some solidarity on her part might go a long way to assuage your angst. You’re in this together, right?

—Rich

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