“This is a very silly episode,” I said to myself as the end credits rolled. But y’know what? Great! For all the very real shit Sirens brings up — and this episode features some very intense revelations — it still feels like a book I could rip through in a single sunny afternoon after a wholesome round of quahogging. (Again, this is a compliment.)

“Monster,” directed by Quyen Tran and written by Colin McKenna, is Sirens’s most outright comedic chapter yet. Hell, by the time Ethan comes back with his doofy purple sweater tied around his shoulders, it’s practically a farce. It’s also a telling indication that the show is in on its own jokes. Even if the tonal shifts don’t always work, I’d rather watch a show embrace funny weirdness than wallow in self-serious drama the whole time. So, where were we?

Simone has a nightmare about Kiki running down those awful steps to the beach. When she chases her, she instead finds Ethan impaled on a sharp piece of driftwood. She’s no less stressed when she wakes up in the guesthouse, where Devon and Jose brought her after her panic attack. But all Simone can think of is that she’s “missed jogging!”

“This place is giving you panic attacks,” Devon says. “No, you’re giving me panic attacks,” Simone retorts. Cue another fight about everything and nothing, as is the sisterly way. Though they drop a few more hints toward what actually happened in their past, this clash still feels like a bit of a retread of last episode’s. It does, however, give Devon a couple ugly moments that I sympathize with but can’t condone.

As Simone reiterates that she’s not interested in helping their dad for what seems like increasingly real reasons, Devon hits back with, “You don’t get to say no to me, Simone!” Hmmm. Then, wanting to win their latest round of “who has it worse,” Devon plays a risky — not to mention manipulative — hand. “I got my second DUI,” she reveals. “I’m a drunk like Dad. I’m waving the flag, and you’ve got your hand on the doorknob.”

Simone, overwhelmed, bolts. Devon, frustrated, resists a morning glass of Ketel One before turning to her standby of boning the first man within eyesight. Another day in paradise!

When Simone does find Michaela, her boss/bestie is so nonchalant that it immediately raises her hackles. Michaela’s typical vibe is “coolly terrifying,” so her telling Simone not to worry and get some rest is far more chilling than if she’d ripped her assistant a new one.

Unfortunately, Simone can’t stop poking the bear. “Are you mad at me? You seem mad,” she says, desperate to settle the conflict she knows is happening despite Kiki’s protests. (Is Simone a fellow Libra? Survey says: almost definitely.) Michaela chides her again for keeping secrets. Then, sensing Simone’s vulnerability, she asks her most invasive question of all: “Did your mother really die in a car crash?”

As her boss, Michaela has no business demanding this information. But we’re way past that. A quivering Simone tells the real story: Her mother did die “in a car,” but it wasn’t an accident. After running a tube from the exhaust pipe into the car, she set a 7-year-old Simone in the backseat with a coloring book and told her to draw until she fell asleep. She only survived because Devon, then 12, pulled her out.

Michaela looks genuinely shaken, but also: bingo. She wraps a sobbing Simone in a protective hug. “I’m going to take care of you,” she promises. “You’ll get nothing but kindness, nothing but goodness from now on.” It’s exactly what Simone’s been longing to hear from a mother figure her whole life, and her relief is palpable.

Up at the house, Devon’s continuing her terrible detective work by straight-up asking the downstairs employees if they knew (past tense) Peter’s ex-wife. They immediately clam up. So she heads outside, where the “Big Cheese” himself spots her from the crow’s nest. He invites her up to share another joint in the “one corner of the house that still gets to be mine.” It’s true: The traditional wooden crow’s nest doesn’t look like the rest of the compound, which feels more “What if the Hotel Bella Donna were in the Hamptons?”

Somehow or another, they get on the subject of dreams. Devon doesn’t have any, she says, because she either “drinks too much or has a serious personality disorder.” Peter chuckles. “You stay here long enough, you’ll start to dream,” he replies. “Maybe you’re dreaming right now … we could be sharing a dream. Tends to happen around here.” Devon’s intrigued, but Peter’s done waxing philosophical for now. “I’ll see you when we wake up,” he says, leaving her with a conspiratorial smile. (If I’d met Peter a decade ago, he’d have definitely wrecked my life.)

Elsewhere, Michaela’s melting down. She’s sure Peter lied about going to Tokyo, having overnighted a box of chocolate from the store he said her gift came from, examining them both, and concluding that they have different ribbons. This somehow isn’t enough proof of infidelity for her lawyer — who, while they’re at it, is in shock at how bad her prenup is. “You’re an attorney. I can’t believe you let you sign this thing,” he says. Michaela sighs. “I got love-bombed by a billionaire … I just dotted my i’s with hearts.”

She has another question, though. “What if he’s not having an affair? What if he files for divorce anyway?” Turns out she wouldn’t have much in the way of financial protection, especially after she was unable to have kids. (What in the Henry VIII is this prenup?!) Her stony expression at this news indicates that Peter should maybe sleep with one eye open.

Also endangered: our man Jose. When Michaela attempts to fire him for protecting Peter’s secrets, he just laughs. “I work for Peter, not for you,” he says. “I’ve been with him for 19 years — much longer than you. Contractually, you cannot fire me.” He even goes one step further: “Neither could Mrs. Kell — not that she ever would have, because she was a kind woman.” Ouch. Michaela spits, “Watch your fucking back,” but Jose remains unbothered. For now, at least, I love this for him.

Up in the crow’s nest, Devon embarks on a trippy journey. After having told Peter she never dreams, she wakes up — or does she? — as she wanders barefoot through the empty house, through echoed humming and light flickering as if she’s underwater. It definitely has the feel of a dream …

She soon stumbles upon Michaela in the bath. “Like what you see?” Michaela asks. “First the gardener, now me. Busy morning.” Oh?? “I’m gonna let you get dressed,” Devon says, to which Michaela replies, “No, stay.” Oh???!?!? Kiki, if your type is less billionaire men and more wayward young women, save us all some time and just say so.

Devon’s not into it (booooo), so Michaela changes the subject to her mother. “Were you jealous when she chose Simone?” Devon’s appalled. But Michaela keeps pushing, her voice going all Galadriel while boring deeper into her childhood trauma — “underneath all that armor, you just needed someone to say ‘good job’” — until Devon finally cracks and spills the truth.

When Devon went to college, their “clinically depressed dad” didn’t feed, bathe, or care for Simone at all. By the time Devon came back, her sister was wasting away. “She was in hell,” Devon says, clearly still heartbroken. (Look, I said this was the funniest episode, not that it was all laughs.)

Michaela nods. Bingo. “I see how special you are. I can help you,” she says. “We’re birds of a feather.” (Drink!) The next thing Devon knows, she’s in the back of a town car with the Suburgatory triplets rocking out to “W.A.P.” on the way to a “girl’s day!” As they go shopping for ugly $22,000 dresses, it’s so surreal that Devon might as well have fallen down Alice’s rabbit hole. Whether a dream or not, Devon’s definitely in her own personal hell.

But then Morgan wanders into the shop and is floored by her beauty. This convinced me Devon was dreaming — until we next see them, blissfully eating snacks half-naked in bed. Maybe Devon just smoked more of Peter’s joint than she meant to, but Michaela’s so naturally unnerving that she makes everything feel like a waking dream.

Elsewhere, Michaela’s trying to get Simone to stop thinking about Ethan ghosting her with a mission to stalk Peter. Unfortunately, Simone’s about as good at that as Devon is at subtle questioning, so Peter quickly catches her in the act. He doesn’t care, though. In fact, he invites her to go quahogging (i.e., clamming), and they have a great time. He even admits to her that his “trip to Tokyo” was actually a visit to see his new grandchild. According to Peter, Michaela “demanded” he “sever ties” with his kids — so if she’s not some supernatural demon, it’s hard to understand why he didn’t file for divorce years ago.

It’s genuinely nice to see Simone enjoying spending time with a guy she clearly considers a genial dad figure — so of course he has to ruin it by fucking kissing her. Peter! We were rooting for you! We were all rooting for you! I should’ve trusted my first instinct: Never trust a married man who tells you just a little too much when no one else is listening.

Simone, overwhelmed all over again, bolts. She calls Michaela to report back, but tellingly, says her husband’s “not doing anything suspicious.” She just says he’s clamming, which is bad enough for Keeks. “Oh, hell, he’s not going to make that fucking chowder again, is he?” She tells Simone to get a snack and keep spying.

Instead, Simone goes to Ethan’s house. He’s not there, but his suitcases and watches still are. Freaking out, she calls Morgan for help. When both he and Devon show up, Devon theorizes that Simone’s precious Kiki pushed Ethan off the cliff. “My boss didn’t murder my boyfriend. She didn’t!” Simone insists — but she seems way less convinced of Michaela’s innocence now than she ever has before.

Devon, now sober as hell, claps her hands. “We have got to get the FUCK! OUT! OF! HERE!” (I lol’ed, Fahy’s crushing it.) Simone finally agrees. But when she doesn’t answer Kiki’s call, Michaela logs in to the smart home to address her assistant with a disembodied voice. “Simone, I know you’re at Ethan’s house right now. Stay put, I’m headed over.”

When someone almost immediately comes in through the front door, they all hide. But it isn’t Kiki. It’s Ethan … and Simone’s father … and Raymond? As far as surprises go, it’s safe to say it’s not Simone’s fave. Bringing her estranged dad to her workplace is a big swing, man — is what I typed before he kneeled down and proposed …?! If this is just the halfway point, we’re in for quite a ride.

• I’d love to get invested in Devon and Morgan’s relationship, but all we know about the guy is that he’s hot and pretty nice. Good qualities for sure, but let’s get him another discernible personality trait, shall we?

• Michaela on Ethan: “Use a condom. That man greets the ferry with his fly down.”

• So what are we thinking about Michaela’s whole deal now? Is she a nefarious mastermind? A bitchy, bored housewife? A victim of billionaire love-bombing? All the above?

• “Who’s this guy?” “That’s Captain Morgan.” “Like the rum? Cool.”

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