Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

At a birthday party for a friend’s child yesterday, another friend mentioned just before the cake was served that she told her two daughters (ages 4 and 5) that if you eat sugar, you’ll get diabetes and your legs will fall off. I was immediately horrified and mumbled something like, “Wow, you are going with the fear technique.” Her reasoning was that they have a family history of obesity and diabetes, so this was the best option.

I feel like her kids, who are currently too scared of sugar to eat more than a bite or two even at a birthday party, are going to grow up with an unhealthy relationship with sugary foods, especially when they find out (which they will!) that eating sugar does not mean your legs will fall off. I also think that if they really do have a lot of family members with diabetes, this is going to be scary for the kids. “Oh, we are on a trip to visit Grandma, I hope her legs don’t fall off while we are there!” Why give them something so intense to worry about about all the family members they love?! I know it’s not my place to say anything … but it made me super uncomfortable. And I definitely don’t want my child (3) to overhear that. (My child was not next to us when she said this, but other kids were.) Do I say something?

—Sugar is Not a Monster

Dear Sugar,

I agree that this seems like an extreme tactic to take (and one that seems very likely to backfire). How and whether you reply depends a lot on the specific friendship in question. If you are close friends, you might choose to speak up—not in the moment when she next spouts this “advice” to her kids, but later in the day or week. Don’t phrase it like a correction, but approach her with a question. Something like, “I wanted to ask you about what you said at the party last week. I get you all have some medical history you need to watch out for, but I don’t know, do you think it might be a little extreme?” You’ll know from her reaction whether you can probe further or if you need to let the issue drop.

If the above isn’t a route you feel comfortable taking, given your relationship with this mom, keep the focus on your own children instead. Try, “Hey, I know you’re trying to watch your kids’ sugar intake, but could I ask you not to talk about legs falling off or sugar being terrible in front of my kids? I am not trying to interfere with your parenting, but it’s confusing my kids.” And 3 is definitely not too young to start teaching your kids to have a healthy, informed relationship with food. The link above has some good framing to consider. I also really enjoy the book French Kids Eat Everything by Karen Le Billon as a way to reflect on what we feed our kids and how. Even if you can’t do anything about your friend’s scare tactics, you can use this incident as motivation to be intentional about how you want to talk about food in your own family.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My ex-husband tells people that I had an affair when I did not. He told this to my stepdaughter, and it caused a rift that has not healed. He has reached out to my friends, former students, and clients—whoever has been willing to talk with him has heard the same thing. My two kids are graduating from high school this spring, and I’m worried that now that they are adults, he will tell them the same lie, or they will hear it from someone else he has told it to. Would it be OK if I had a respectful and nonjudgmental conversation with them about this? It feels wrong to involve them, but it seems like they’re going to be involved regardless, and this way I can at least have a chance to say my piece.

—Hating Every Option

Dear Hating Every Option,

I think it’s absolutely appropriate to talk to your kids about this. It would be one thing if you were trying to decide whether to divulge your relationship’s dirty laundry—that, I think, should only be done in very select situations. But in this case, your ex is the one airing said laundry, and it’s not even true! Do what you need to do to protect your relationship and reputation with the people it matters to most. Your children are old enough for a conversation of this nature; done right, I think speaking to them honestly and earnestly about this situation conveys your respect for them and acknowledges their maturity. I’m sure you don’t want to drag them into this drama that your ex is causing, but from what you write, that sounds like an inevitability, anyway. You might as well equip them with the pertinent information.

You didn’t ask this question, but if your ex’s actions have demonstrably damaged your reputation—and impacted your relationships, ability to get or keep work, etc.—you might want to speak to a lawyer about whether you have grounds for a defamation suit against him. It may not be worth the legal fees and hassle, but you might as well cover your bases and check.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I am struggling with a family vacation dilemma and could use some outside perspective. My 16-year-old son, Phil, has a summer job working at a camp, which means he can’t take time off except for national holidays. His father (my ex) and I were both supportive of him getting a job, but now that summer is approaching, I would like to take a family vacation with his two younger sisters (ages 14 and 12). Unless the trip happens during the July 4th weekend (which is very expensive and anywhere will be overcrowded), the trip would have to happen during his time working, and he can’t take time off.

His sisters, and Phil himself, feel it is unfair to go on a vacation without him. Especially since our first choice would be a city that has sights he is really interested in seeing. In general, my youngest and Phil share a lot of similar interests (both really into animals and nature and stuff like that), so anywhere I bring my youngest will be a place that Phil will be upset about missing out on. His father is indifferent to the situation and has offered to stay behind or check in on Phil while we are away. Phil is responsible, so I don’t worry about him being home alone. I really want to take a summer vacation. Ideally, I’d like one with my kids. Is it really that bad to do a trip without Phil? I could take him on a solo trip or another trip with his sisters during winter break.

—Planning a Vacation

Dear Vacation,

My Colleague Is a Super Fan of a Very Controversial Franchise. And She’s Forcing It on Us All. I Begged My Boyfriend to Tell Me What He Wants to Try in Bed. Oh God, Anything But This. I Just Saved My Wife From Her Wildly Entitled Sister. But Now She’s Angry at Me! This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only I Was OK Subsidizing My Cheap Friend. But Then He Dropped a Bomb on Me.

I will be honest, it sure feels that bad to me! As a teen, I would feel incredibly hurt to know that my parent’s optional vacation dreams were more important to them than whether I was there. If Phil didn’t care, that would be one thing, but he’s told you he’s bothered by your plan. What lesson are you teaching your children if you take this vacation? You’re not only devaluing Phil’s place in the family, but you’re also devaluing the honoring of one’s commitments, because you’re teaching him (and his sisters) that being responsible is a raw deal. Plus, the sisters are against this plan—you really think they’re going to be good company if you follow through with this trip?

If going on a vacation is really important to you—and no shade if it is, we all need a break sometimes—then grab a girlfriend or go solo, or find a budget-friendly excursion for the holiday week. But don’t give your kids a reason to feel you let them down.

Finally, I want to take a moment and note that as part of my day job, I oversee a summer camp. There are always staff who, despite their assurances throughout the interview process that they will commit to the entire summer, find themselves with a surprise vacation they insist on taking. This puts an incredible burden on the rest of the staff and jeopardizes the safety of our campers. I applaud Phil for standing by his commitment; please don’t do anything that makes that harder on him.

—Allison

More Advice From Slate

My husband and I have a 14-year-old daughter who started high school this month. We’ve always had a hands-off approach to her education. We expect her to do the work, but we allow her to set her own priorities, and we don’t even look over her homework unless she asks us for help. (We always help her if we’re asked, but we also encourage her to ask questions of her teachers, or work with her classmates, because we’ve found that they’re often better resources than mom and dad.) We wanted her to take ownership of her schoolwork and felt that stepping back and letting her take care of it was what worked for her.

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