Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I can’t stand my in-laws. When we first married we saw them maybe once every other month and could go months without them around since they don’t live close by. Now that there is a baby they try to come weekly, and I had to put a stop to it because they make me cringe. I have been happy because I haven’t seen them since Christmas, but they are coming back shortly and expect us to make time for them every day they are here. I told my husband this sounds terrible and they need to find some other things to do because it’s just way too much for me. He’s like, “Yeah, but we won’t have to see them again until June, and they want to see our baby.” I feel like it’s not my problem, and I just don’t want them around. It’s getting very difficult for me to not lose it each time they open their mouths. I’m a stay-at-home mom, and I’d rather choose to do a lot with my mom, whom I adore. I also feel that my husband should take my feelings more seriously. They make negative comments about things I do at every visit since we have gotten married, and my husband seems to think it’s no big deal. I just don’t know what to do anymore because our biggest fights are always about his parents’ behavior.

—Seriously Upset

Dear Seriously Upset,

There are a few things to unpack here. First off, has anyone spoken to your in-laws about the disrespect you’ve received? If your husband doesn’t have your back, then I think you should take the direct approach and take care of it as soon as possible. Before you do, you should make your husband aware that this is going down. You can say something like, “I’m really tired of the way your parents are treating me, and since you aren’t going to speak with them, I’m going to confront them myself. It could get messy.” Hopefully he’ll respond to the threat accordingly and pull his parents aside—but if he doesn’t, you should be prepared to say whatever is on your mind to your in-laws. Remember, you have a lot of the leverage here. They want to see your baby, so you call the shots—at least some of the shots.

With that in mind, you can’t unilaterally prevent your husband from seeing his parents and the baby since he is the dad. However, you don’t have to be around when his parents come by. Use their visits as an excuse to enjoy a walk, go shopping, take a nap, or whatever you need to do for self-care. As a former stay-at-home dad, I know how difficult the job can be, and I welcomed some downtime for the sake of my mental health. It sounds like you could use some me-time to get away from everyone whenever they choose to stop by.

The biggest issue to me is how dismissive your husband is of your needs. Since it’s clearly impacting your relationship, I’d demand (not suggest) marriage counseling to help dissolve the mountain of resentment I can see in your letter. Maybe then he will realize how serious of a problem this is for you and act accordingly.

Want Advice From Care and Feeding?

Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 8-year-old daughter “Isla” loved gymnastics. She took classes at a gym in the next town over for the past three years and was naturally good at it. At the beginning of the 2021-22 school year, at the advice of her coaches, Isla leveled up to a pre-competition class. She was excited to complete this level so that she could start competing. All was well until spring 2022, when Isla suffered from some lingering side effects from a nasty stomach bug. Getting her to gymnastics classes became a challenge, as she was anxious that she’d “throw up at class.” Isla is generally an anxious kid (thanks, genetics), and I kept her coach updated with what was going on.

Getting to practice became a battle with Isla, and by the time August rolled around, she tearfully admitted that she didn’t want to continue with gymnastics. She said it “wasn’t fun anymore” and that “things were just too hard.” Isla also knew that she would be switching to a new school in Fall 2022, so I think what was “hard” was not the practices, but all of the changes in her life in general. My husband and I did not push the issue; we told her that we were proud of her for being honest and telling us what she needed, and that she could pick a new sport or activity when she was ready.

Isla has mentioned wanting to do gymnastics again. She says she misses it and is ready to try the competition track again. She recently became very adamant about wanting to jump back in. I explained that she would be behind a level or two, wouldn’t immediately be competing, and that she would be expected to attend practices at least 2x a week. She says she understands, and really wants to go back to her old gym.

I don’t have a problem with her trying it again, but I really want to find a new gym, in a different town. I just don’t feel like her coach was a good fit; she stopped communicating with me after I told her that Isla wouldn’t be continuing at the gym in the fall.

Is it a bad idea to tell Isla she can try again, but only if we check out different gyms first? I don’t think any of her old friends are still at this gym, let alone at the level she would be re-entering at. This is a big commitment, time and money-wise, and I want her to be successful, even if gymnastics is just a hobby.

—Doing Cartwheels in My Brain

Dear Doing Cartwheels,

Regardless of whether she’s overwhelmed by gymnastics or by life in general, I applaud you for listening to Isla’s feelings by giving her the break she asked for. As a youth sports coach, I cannot begin to count the number of parents I’ve encountered who forced their kids to compete in athletics while ignoring signs of their declining mental health.

The one thing I’d push back on a bit is your decision to possibly change coaches. Is the main reason you feel that she isn’t a good fit due to her cutting off communications with you after mentioning Isla was leaving the team? Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think that would be a reason not to come back. It’s possible this coach is just a volunteer who is stretched incredibly thin. Or a paid employee who’s stretched thin. I wouldn’t take it personally—she may not have the bandwidth to go the extra mile from an interpersonal standpoint.

Your child says she really wants to back to her old gym, which makes me believe that the coach can’t be that bad. Trust me when I say the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. If you send her to another gym, and she hates it, then you’ll have to move her again, which could damage her love for the sport and her mental health. Wouldn’t it just make sense to keep her where she’s comfortable until she tells you otherwise? The one exception would be, obviously, if this coach is verbally abusive or displays other toxic traits.: then you should definitely move elsewhere.

I think it’s fine if you want to engage in some window shopping of some other gyms, but I think you should let Isla make the final decision on where to display her cartwheels in the future.

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

• If you missed Monday’s column, read it here. • Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!

Dear Care and Feeding,

My stepson and his wife are constantly asking for money for things they should be handling.  They live with her parents and although her parents are tired of them asking too, they still give in most of the time.  My stepson works fulltime and his wife part-time.  My husband’s family complains about how much they ask, but also give in. My husband and I have had multiple arguments about how much to give them. The only one who thinks this is a problem is me and it’s frustrating. I feel like it’s dealing with an addiction, and the only way to handle it is to cut them off.  Help!

—Strapped For Cash

Dear Strapped for Cash,

As my mentor once told me, “You can only be a doormat if you allow yourself to lay on the floor.” There’s nothing wrong with asking for help every now and then, but if two able-bodied and able-minded adults are consistently asking for cash from you (and receiving it), there’s a problem. To them, you might as well have a big stamp on your forehead that reads, “I’m a sucker.”

You absolutely need to cut them off, and the conversation with your husband should go something like this: “Honey, we need to stop giving them financial assistance. They are working adults and it’s clear to me that they are taking advantage of us because we never say no. Not to mention, we’re not doing them any favors by helping them out so much. They will never become self-reliant if we teach them this is acceptable.”

In previous letters I’ve mentioned a 3-6 month timetable to transition from being helped to helping themselves, but not in this case. I believe they need to be cut off right now and be thrown into the “deep end” of the real world. They have jobs and a home, so it seems like the problem comes from how they manage their money.

If this the source of many disagreements in your marriage, then you should take the next step and seek the opinion of a therapist or counselor. I don’t see how anyone wouldn’t take your side on this, and sometimes hearing from an impartial third party could be what it takes to see the light.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Hi, I am looking for advice on how to handle a particular situation with a relative’s child. My relative and his wife have two young children who I really enjoy. Since their youngest was a baby, her mother has allowed her to put her hand down the front of her mother’s shirt. The child is now 4 years old, but the mother is still OK with this. My problem is the child does it to others as well including me. I have tried redirecting the child by moving her hand and/or prompting an incompatible behavior. The child’s grandparents have also worked with her so that she now mostly puts a hand down the back of your shirt which is better but still not ideal. My question is should I bring this up to the parents and let them know that this makes me uncomfortable or do I just keep redirecting and hope the child grows out of it? If I do bring it up with her parents what’s the best way to approach them about it?

—Hands Off

Dear Hands Off,

Our Friend is Divorced. I’m Concerned About What He Gets Up to When the Kids Are With His Ex. My Neighbor’s Kids Are “Homeschooled.” Uh, I’m Not So Sure That’s Even True. This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only I Called Out My Husband for Refusing to Spend Time With Our Daughter. His Reply Sent a Chill Down My Spine. Podcast Episode Your City Could Be Better for Parents

As annoying and awkward as that behavior is, it really comes down to how it impacts you. If I were you, I would firmly tell the parents that it’s not OK for their daughter to put her hand down your shirt. You could say something like, “I know she’s 4, and I’m not going to tell you how to raise your child, but I really do not want her to put her hands inside of my clothing. I don’t want to snap at her, because again, she’s only 4 and doesn’t know any better, but I find it inappropriate, and I don’t want it to continue with me.”

That may sound harsh, but what’s wrong with setting personal boundaries? I wouldn’t want a child doing that to me, either—and that’s how I would handle it. If her parents are self-aware, they’ll realize, “Oh crap, a behavior that I thought was harmless actually upsets people. I need to work with my child to ensure she doesn’t do it to others.”

To be clear, I don’t think you should actually snap or yell at the child, but I think it’s totally fine to firmly tell her, “I don’t want you to do that to me.” How this girl behaves to others is irrelevant, but you are 100 percent in control of how she treats you.

—Doyin