The article presents a letter to a sex advice column, "How to Do It," from a gay college student who was asked by his straight female friend, Hannah, to be her first sexual partner. Hannah is aware of the student's sexual orientation but wants him to make an "exception." The student is uncomfortable with the request and seeks advice on how to decline without harming their friendship.
The advice column responds by suggesting a direct and honest yet sensitive approach. They recommend the student tell Hannah that he appreciates her but is only sexually interested in men and that his sexual orientation is not something he can change. The column also suggests offering assistance in finding a more suitable partner for her first sexual experience, and if necessary, confronting Hannah on her potentially coercive behavior.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,Â
I’m friends with a girl, “Hannah,” who goes to my university. Hannah came from a pretty repressive household and is still a virgin, even though she’s 19. The other day, she made a request that took me by surprise. She asked if I would be willing to have sex with her so she could “get started.”
When I asked why she would want this from me, her reply was that she feels comfortable with me and that she knows I wouldn’t judge her. While I’m flattered she thinks so highly of me, there’s a very good reason I won’t be able to help her out: I’m gay.
Help! My Husband Found an Envelope Full of Cash. What Happened Next Might Ruin Our Marriage. My Cousin Told Me About a House He Wanted to Flip. I Accidentally Bought It. Help! My Best Friend Has Always Wanted Us to Have Babies at the Same Time. Well, I’ve Been Lying to Her for Years. My Niece Survived a Bomb Blast, But It’s Her Romantic Life That’s Freaking Me Out.Hannah is aware of this, but wants me to make “an exception” for her. I’ve joked that being gay doesn’t work like that—it isn’t something you turn on and off, but she keeps bringing it up. I don’t want to lose her as a friend, but the propositioning is starting to wear thin. What can I do to get the message across that she will need to look elsewhere?
—Sorry, Not on That Team!
Dear Not on That Team,
Try this: “Hannah, I think you’re wonderful, and I value you as a friend. You’re female, though, and I’m only interested in men when it comes to sexual activity. Yes, some people are bisexual or otherwise flexible in their sexual orientation. I’m not. It’s nothing personal, it’s just the way I’m wired.”
If you’re willing to help her look for a more suitable first partner, go ahead and offer to do so. And if she persists, let her know that she’s veering into coercion territory, and, if this feels accurate, that she’s treating you more like an object of defloweration than a human, much less a friend.
—Jessica
More Advice From Slate
Im a mid-30s female and I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year in a long-distance relationship. We’ve decided to carry out our threesome fantasy with another female and he found a unicorn where he lives. Is it normal for him to meet her out to get to know her without me?
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