How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My girlfriend is terrible in bed, and I am on the verge of leaving because of it.

She doesn’t know how to give head properly, doesn’t know how to move rhythmically when we make love, and worst of all, when I try and explain to her what she’s doing wrong and how she could correct it, she takes it as an insult. How are we supposed to resolve intimacy problems if she won’t listen?

—It’s Called Constructive Criticism for a Reason

Dear It’s Called Constructive Criticism for a Reason,

Have you considered that the biggest problem here is likely your approach? “When I try and explain to her what she’s doing wrong and how she could correct it, she takes it as an insult,” you write. Your girlfriend’s reaction is no surprise to me at all. You are taking a superior stance that portrays your subjective experience as objective truth—she is “wrong” because what she’s doing is not to your liking. This is, at minimum, condescending and, yes, insulting.

You don’t report that she is particularly inexperienced, so she has, perhaps, satisfied lovers before you. She may be proud of her rhythm and oral skills, and if you’re shooting them down in a manner that assumes you know everything and she knows nothing, I don’t think that qualifies as “constructive criticism.” In order to be constructive, she has to be able to hear it, and it seems likely that your tone has shut her down.

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“Here’s why what you’re doing is wrong” will be received well only by a select few thick-skinned people. It is coarse and insensitive. I know that you think you have good reasons for being insensitive, but if you actually want something to come of your feedback, you should reconsider your delivery. Telling her, “Here’s what I like, let’s try it,” would be a much more inviting way to engage her here. You can tell her what you enjoy orally, either in the moment or separately from it. If her rhythm is off, well, you could try to teach her or just use positions wherein you do the driving. Her rhythm is much more important, for example, when she’s on top. In missionary or doggy, by contrast, you’re setting the tempo.

At this point, it seems that damage has been done. I’m not sure how much a kinder, more exploratory approach would even help now, given that she knows how you feel about her, but it’s still worth a try. This is not a you versus her problem, it’s a you and her problem. That said, sexual compatibility is an important feature of many relationships, and if you can’t get there, you can seek outside help in the form of counseling or indeed end it. I think these things are worth working on, but they require patience (with the situation and your partner). The question is whether you have enough of it to try to make this relationship last.

—Rich

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