‘Despite their many contributions to human civilisation, vandals remain victims of prejudice.’ | Photo Credit: Getty Images/ iStock

The successful vandalisation of The Habitat comedy club in Mumbai is another glorious chapter in the history of vandalism in India. As a vandal myself, I’d be the first to admit that we are a dumb but proud tribe, with an illustrious tradition of gratuitous destruction spanning 1,800 years. Just like the Aryans, we also originally hail from Scandinavia, and were first featured on the cover of Time magazine in 455 CE, when we sacked Rome.

While our exploits are well documented, few know of the vandals’ old tradition of sending their children — Baby Vandals — for advanced training to India. There was a reason for that. The state machinery in Europe took law and order far too seriously, making it dangerous to ply our trade. So in the 8th century, when my ancestors in Niflheim heard that a people beyond the Indus had a character flaw that made them incapable of enforcing the rule of law — especially when violated by the rich and the powerful — they began sending their children to places like Bandra for internship.

These children never returned to Niflheim, and thanks to them, India today is world No.1 in Ease of Doing Vandalism. In fact, the most consequential achievement of independent India, one that makes so many Indians puff up their chests in pride, is an act of epic vandalism — the demolition of the Babri Masjid in 1992.

Despite their many contributions to human civilisation, vandals remain victims of prejudice. But happily, there is now increasing recognition of vandalism as a viable career choice. I am aware young aspirants have a lot of questions. So let me address the most common ones.

This column is a satirical take on life and society.

How do I know if I have the aptitude for vandalism?

Have you ever visited a monument and scrawled your name on the walls with a permanent marker? Do you find it impossible to exit a historical site or art exhibition or cricket stadium without leaving your imprint on it in some way — if not with graffiti, then by throwing water bottles, littering, or spitting paan? When you dislike a joke, are you too stupid to react with words, and prefer violence instead? If you answer ‘yes’ to any of the above, you got it.

Does India offer a stable career in vandalism?

Not only is India the only country where vandalism offers a stable career, vandalism is the only stable career option in India. So go ahead, turn your passion for desecration into a vocation that strikes fear in the hearts of lily-livered liberals and bourbon naxals.

Will I get a girlfriend if I become a vandal?

Bad question. Instead, ask yourself: will I still want to be a vandal if I have a girlfriend? Do I have alternative sources of frustration to tap into? How do I fuel my rage at the sight of other people having fun if I am also having fun?

How can I become a great vandal?

Build a close-knit team of like-minded vigilantes, work out a reasonable rate card, and empanel yourself with as many politicians as you can. Initially you might find yourself laughing at political jokes. But once you start throwing chairs and breaking light fixtures, you will discover that the correct emotion (rage) automatically follows the matching behaviour. Perform the outrage enough times, and it won’t be long before TV anchors start seeking your views on free speech and the constipation of India.

What are the perks?

Massive SUV with tinted glasses and party flags is a basic. You will also be sought after by freelance extortionists wanting to work under your protection. But the biggest perk is the increased respect you command in society, and the awe you inspire among the police.

Any dos and don’ts?

• Always get the name and spelling right. The objective — intimidation — would be undermined if people end up laughing at you. Kamra is not Kalra and Kalra is not cholera. So, take a moment to call up the target and ask for an Aadhaar copy for identity authentication.
• Injury due to ‘friendly fire’ is common. So when you throw a chair, table or mic, take care it doesn’t land on the skull of a fellow vandal.
• Have a light, pure vegetarian meal before a mission. Don’t drink before you destroy. But it’s alright to down a few pegs if alcohol happens to be present at the venue.

Vandalism involves violence. How safe is it?

It is the safest occupation in India. Other than hate-spewing politicians, vandals are the only professionals who get mandatory police protection.

The author of this satire is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.

sampath.g@thehindu.co.in