Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.

Dear Prudence,

I live in a two-bedroom apartment with another woman in her 30s. We’ve been here for a year and a half, we’re both clean and considerate and laid-back, and our modest-but-beautiful apartment is the first place that’s really felt like home. She recently told me that she’s miserable living here. It all started because she wanted to get a second cat. I’ve told her no in the past, but she keeps asking. We’re not even supposed to have any pets in the first place, and I think our place is too small for two animals. She asked if my answer was black-and-white, and I said yes. She said it was black-and-white for her too, because a second cat is apparently essential to her first cat’s well-being. I told her she should have considered all this when she adopted the cat in the first place.

Now she’s saying that she thinks people who live together have an obligation to engage at all times, which I do not agree with. She says she is “existentially against human beings acting like islands.” We do talk regularly, but I’ll admit I prefer keeping to myself. I work in customer service and enjoy my alone time. She says that my attitude makes us fundamentally incompatible as roommates and she could not trust me, and implied that I should move out. She said living with me is the worst living situation she’s been in since her ex-wife “ruined her life.” My roommate never previously communicated any of her expectations or problems with me. She said she’s been feeling like this for a whole year!

We are at a standstill because neither of us wants to leave the apartment. I’ve never loved living with her, but it is definitely possible, and I could continue to keep doing it. We are supposed to hash out who is leaving and when. We are both on the lease and split the deposit and broker fee 50-50, and I said I didn’t want to discuss who “deserves” to stay. She keeps talking about her recent difficulties and trying to interrogate me about my financial situation and my job. I’m sorry she’s unhappy, and I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable, but I love this apartment, I like our landlord, and she’s free to leave if she needs a more “emotionally present” roommate. What should I do?

—I Prefer Islands

Dear Islands, 

Stop having these rambling, cat-based conversations with her and let her know that you’re very happy with the lease as it is. If she tries to interrogate you about your job or your savings account, tell her that’s not up for discussion in as friendly and firm a tone as you can manage, then either turn on the TV, start looking at your phone, leave the room, or otherwise make it clear you’re not going to join her in this Weird Apartment Justification Fight.

The one advantage she has over you is that she is a deeply unreasonable person who’s willing to expend a ton of energy trying to exhaust you into giving her what she wants, and if she’s already gone this many rounds with you about her cat’s well-being and your existential threat to her theory of human connection, there’s a real chance she will go out of her way to make your life in this apartment completely unmanageable. Treat her blandly, and keep her at arm’s length, but have a backup couch to crash on in case she decides to make living together an impossibility.

From: My Elderly Father Is Flying to Ukraine to Meet a 26-Year-Old Model He Met Online. (Jan 16th, 2020).

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I are getting married in a couple of days. We have asked some dear friends to officiate, but we’re only having a bare minimum of legal witnesses. We have not told our families yet and only told a few of our other friends. We’ve always wanted to elope. My relationship with my parents is distant, and my controlling father behaved so badly during my siblings’ weddings that I knew I didn’t want anything like that for myself. My partner really hates being the center of attention, so he never wanted a big, traditional wedding.

But I am anxious about people’s reactions, especially from our families, when we tell them we eloped. We’re sending out paper announcements after the fact and inviting many friends and family members to come celebrate with us in the spring. We do love our families despite the strain, but we wanted to do our wedding our way. How can we most gently break the news to our unsuspecting families and the rest of our friends? If some people react poorly and express hurt feelings, how should we respond to, and deal with, them not taking the news well?

—Eloping Confession

Michelle Herman Read More

Dear Eloping, 

Waiting to send out announcements until after the fact is a good idea. Even if your family members have the worst of all possible reactions, there’s a limit to how worked up they can get over something that’s already happened, whereas if you tell them beforehand they might try to use whatever leverage or tactics they can think of to try to get you to change your mind.

You might set aside some time to call your more high-maintenance family members the day the announcements go out so they feel like they’ve had a slightly more exclusive, personalized announcement directly from the happy couple. Let them know they’re about to receive a formal announcement and invitation to a celebration later in the year but you just couldn’t wait to tell them the news yourself. Gush a little! You just got married—you’re entitled to gush!

If some of them express sadness or regret or even frustration, you can be sympathetic and offer them a listening ear, up to a point: “I get that you were really looking forward to [aspect of traditional wedding]. It was a difficult call to make, but we decided to elope because it was the right decision for us as a couple. And we can’t wait to get to celebrate with everyone in [month].”

That should handle your garden-variety miffed friend or cousin. If they still seem inclined to make a production out of being robbed of hearing Lohengrin, tell them, patiently yet firmly: “I understand that, but what’s done is done, and we’re not having a traditional wedding. I hope you’re able to find a way to come celebrate with us.” It’s the best way to signal that they are allowed to feel whatever they like about your wedding, but you are no longer available to take complaints, comments, suggestions, or constructive criticism about how you got married.

From: My Friend Is Abusing Her Kid. (Nov 9th, 2019).

Dear Prudence, 

I have a long-term friend of almost 20 years who, for lack of a better term, always copies me: moves across the country, relationship changes, appearance, even surgical decisions—the list goes on. My partner and I used to laugh it off, but it has become more and more upsetting to me as this individual also seems to be a one-way street for problems they need help with, and no reciprocation. I’m in my 30s; it shouldn’t be hard to say goodbye, but I just can’t seem to do it.

—Stop Copying Me

Dear Stop Copying, 

If you can’t stop helping someone despite a real and long-standing sense of frustration and one-sidedness, and it’s been going on for two decades, maybe it’s time to see a therapist! Obviously any real, long-lasting solution is going to involve some combination of saying no to things you always used to say yes to, and in being honest at least once with your friend about your grievances. But it’s one thing to have a general sense of what needs to be done, and quite another to envision yourself getting from point A to point Z when you don’t have a clue.

A Key Feature of My Boyfriend’s Appearance Turns Me Off. He Refuses to Alter It. My Husband’s Infuriating Habit Sets a Terrible Example for Our Kids. I’ve Asked Them to Police Him. This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only The Family Wants Another “Reunion.” But I’m Still Burned From the Last Time. My Ex-Husband “Punished” Our 5-Year-Old for Discovering His Affair. I’m Livid.

It might also help you develop a sense of scale. It’s fine to say, “You never ask me about how I’m doing and it’s affecting our friendship,” but I’m not quite sure you have grounds to say, “You always break up with your partners whenever I break up with mine—knock it off,” and a therapist might also be able to help you sort through what’s really affecting you and what’s worth letting go.

Spend some time considering seriously what you’re afraid to say goodbye to—is it a sense of longevity and consistency, since you’ve known this person since you were a teenager? A sense of superiority, since you feel like the model for your friend’s knockoffs? Feeling generous, since you’re always helping them without reciprocation? Fear of what they’ll say about you if you stand up for yourself? Whatever the answer(s) may be, it might feel a lot easier to say goodbye if you can identify what you’re afraid to lose first.

—Danny M. Lavery

From: Help! My Son Is Trans. Is It Wrong to Read the Harry Potter Series to His Younger Brother? (Dec 22nd, 2020).

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