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Plus: Dear Care and Feeding,

Last month, my sister and her husband had their first baby, a boy they named “Theo.” My husband “Brian” is … let’s call it “socially challenged.” He seems to possess zero capacity for reading situations very well when it comes to “humor.” Well, when we first met Theo at the hospital, Brian took a look and said something I could not believe.

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“Whoa! Who dropped him?” My sister burst into tears and my brother-in-law would have slugged him had I not jumped between them. Brian seemed genuinely surprised by their reactions; I apologized and dragged him out of the room. I made him write a note of apology that I dictated, but my sister and BIL are still furious. I’m hoping they will cool down after a while. This is only the latest in a long list of social blunders Brian has committed over the years that have left me doing damage control in the aftermath. What can I do to teach my husband proper behavior?

—Cleaning Up Another Mess

Dear Cleaning Up,

There are all kinds of reasons someone might be less socially aware than others. But your husband’s “joke” about your newborn nephew doesn’t really seem like a case of him being overly frank or accidentally clueless; it just seems flat-out rude. I wouldn’t have tried to punch him, personally, but I get why your sister and brother-in-law are upset.

You asked, “What can I do to teach my husband proper behavior?” But that is not and never should have been your job! You are not his parent, even if you’ve been acting like one—protecting him, apologizing for him, making him write notes to people he’s offended. I think it’s worth seriously questioning whether any of that is actually a good use of your time and energy. You aren’t responsible for what Brian says or does. Focus on your own relationships with people you care about, and let Brian deal with the consequences of his behavior himself.

—Nicole

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