Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband died suddenly nearly a decade ago. I loved him very much. I feel no desire to date again. In my experience, even decent men are a lot of work, and I don’t want that. Discreet, casual sex is always available when I want it, and my life is full and rich—I have deep friendships, wonderful kids, a great career, hobbies, volunteer projects, and close relationships with my extended family. It was painful to lose my husband so young and have our children grow up without him, but I grieved, raised our kids, and built a good life. I’m proud of our son and daughter, who are both spreading their wings in college out of state. I love them and I’m happy to be their mom, but I’m also really enjoying this new phase of life, when I can have friends over for dinner on impromptu weeknights, go out and listen to music at a bar on Friday night, sleep in on Saturdays, work all day in my garden, or decide to spend the weekend skiing with my sister if I want.

My kids have decided that I need to start dating so I won’t be “alone,” going so far as to offer to help set up an online dating profile for me. I took this as a cue that maybe they felt like I was hovering and needed a distraction, so I gave them both more space. But they continue to bring it up, even though I’ve been blandly repeating, “I’m not interested” and talking about the ways I love my life as it is. My son, especially, is unconvinced. I think my kids picture me as an empty-nest mom who hasn’t had a non-platonic personal life since their dad died, but that’s not the case. Should I be more blunt here, or just hope this runs its course?

—Content

Dear Content,

If you’re asking whether you need to offer your kids details about your sex life, the answer is no—you shouldn’t have to, and it’s none of their business. I don’t quite understand why your college-age children are so determined to get involved in your personal life. But they are still young, with a lot to learn about the various ways people can be happy and fulfilled. We all tend to have blinders on when thinking about our own parents.

If you think it might get them to shut up about dating, you could simply say that you have all the companionship you want. I don’t think you have to be any more open with them (unless you want to be?), but you might have to be firmer and tell them that while their concern is understandable, their interference isn’t: You’re an adult; you neither want nor need their help to find a date; and you don’t want to discuss this with them anymore. I’m sure they wouldn’t want you meddling in their dating lives—they should understand that you don’t want them meddling in yours.

You can also make more of a point to talk with them about the aspects of your life you love right now—all those things you mentioned in your letter. It can be hard for kids to get to know or understand our parents, beyond who you are as our parents. You don’t have to share anything you’d rather not, but the more your now-adult children get to know you, what’s important to you, and what you appreciate, the better they may understand why you’re so content with your life now.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Because I wished to remain happily childfree, my in-laws didn’t speak to me for the first five years my husband and I were together. Once our unplanned but much-loved now-toddler arrived, they whisked all that under the carpet. They came to visit for the first time ever this weekend, and while it went more smoothly than I had expected, I am now reeling. After they returned home, they posted 35 pictures of their weekend with us on multiple social media platforms, including photos of the inside and outside of our house and dozens of our toddler.

These are the only pictures on the internet of my baby and our home. I am not on any social media, except a few group messenger chats. I had a years-long stalking experience with an ex-boyfriend, which increased my digital awareness, but that’s not my only reason for going social media-free—I only want to share my life with people who are actually in my life. I feel sick at the invasion of my privacy, and especially of my toddler’s privacy. My in-laws have no security settings on their social media accounts and these dozens of photos are now forever on the internet. If they had asked, I would have said fine, post one of my toddler and you both together—I understand you want to show your friends. But this? It’s too much. My reward for putting aside our differences without complaint is to be violated. My husband has had a lifetime of dealing with his parents by being completely conflict-avoidant, so he won’t confront them and wants me to ignore it. I feel sick that in a bid to keep the peace, I am horribly letting down my toddler. What should I do?

—Visited or Violated?

Dear Visited or Violated,

I know you don’t have a close relationship with your husband’s parents—it sounds like he doesn’t, either—but while that might make having this conversation a little more awkward, I don’t think it should have any bearing on what happens next. You could be as close as could be, with the most respectful open lines of communication and absolutely no history of conflict, and your in-laws would still have no right to share all those public photos of your child on Al Gore’s internet when it goes against your wishes.

Your husband should explain that, for privacy reasons, you two aren’t OK with your child’s picture being shared publicly—which is totally reasonable—and ask his parents to take the photos down. (Or, if you’re OK with a compromise, they could make sure the photos are only viewable to their friends, not publicly viewable.) Let them know that, going forward, you don’t want any photos of your kid shared publicly. And this rule isn’t personal. It’s not about your in-laws or your relationship with them; it’s about your child’s privacy and well-being.

If your husband won’t even try to have that talk with his parents, well, that sucks, and you should feel free to be mad at him. But even in that case, you can try to explain your wishes and ask your in-laws to respect them. They should, even if they don’t like it: You’re the parent; you make the rules for your kid. If this is important to you, it’s OK to be clear about this boundary and why you want to have it for the sake of your child.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a 7-year-old daughter, “Tess,” and two older sons. Tess is very much a tomboy—which is fine by me—and idolizes her brothers. The problem is my mother-in-law. Tess is her only granddaughter out of seven grandkids, and when it comes to giving her gifts, my mother-in-law has always gone the girly-girl route (think dolls and princess dresses). Tess will thank her grandmother, but her disappointment is obvious when she sees her brothers getting remote control cars and things for sports. Tess never uses the toys and clothes my MIL gives her; they end up being donated. When Grandma shows up and they are nowhere to be seen, she gets upset. Both my husband and I have tried explaining to her what types of things Tess enjoys, but she still takes offense when our daughter shows no interest in her gifts. Is there anything else we can do here?

—You Can’t Control What She Likes

Dear You Can’t Control,

Help! A Nice Man at Church Asked Us for a Favor. We Have No Idea What We’re About to Get Into. This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only My Sister Left Her Kids With Me “for a Night.” Then She Disappeared. My Kids Think I’ve Been Celibate Since Their Dad Died—And Want to Change That. Uh, How Do I Break It to Them? This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only I Received a Call From a Woman I Didn’t Know. She Insisted We Meet Up. Then She Told Me Something That Will Destroy My Wife.

This conversation is important for reasons that have very little to do with toys or clothes. What really matters is your mother-in-law’s relationship with her granddaughter, and how some of her assumptions might make Tess feel, now and/or in the future. I’d suggest that you and your spouse try to put the gift question aside, as much as possible, and focus on getting his mother to consider who your daughter actually is.

Tess is not a symbol or an extension of whatever your mother-in-law thinks girls should be. She is her own person, with real interests, preferences, likes and dislikes. Has your mother-in-law noticed those things about Tess? Has she spent enough time with her to see and appreciate Tess herself? Can she share in some of Tess’s interests and see her enjoying things she likes? Perhaps you two can help make that possible by including her in an activity or two. I think your husband probably needs to be more direct and let his mother know that while you all appreciate her generosity as a gift giver, it is far more important that she actually get to know and understand her granddaughter for who she is, not who her grandmother believes she ought to be.

—Nicole

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