'My wife wants to retire so she can spend time with me. I can't think of anything worse': I can see straight through this letter-writer's motivation, says CAROLINE WEST-MEADS. This is my brutal answer

Q I’m 65 and retired three years ago. Our children have moved out so now it’s just my wife and me at home. Since retiring I have formed a very nice social life, and enjoy spending weekends with her. I also find it interesting in the evenings hearing about her busy job – she has a good career. 

My wife has now told me that she wants to retire in the next six to 12 months. She says that this means we can start planning all the things we have talked about doing together. 

However, I like the current arrangement and although there will be positives to her retiring, my fear is that she will expect me to fill the vacuum created by her leaving work, which I really don’t want to do as I like my independence and enjoy lots of interests. When I have suggested she takes up a hobby or tries things out prior to retirement, she gets defensive and accuses me of not supporting her. 

Any advice on how I can head this off would be greatly appreciated.

A I can understand some of your fears. Major changes such as retirement or children leaving home can be crunch times for relationships because, suddenly, you are thrown back on each other’s company nearly full-time – and you find out how much you still have in common. It is certainly a period of adjustment. 

However, please also try to see it from your wife’s point of view. She has clearly worked hard for many years and deserves to enjoy her retirement. She might feel very hurt that, instead of also being pleased about having more time together, she is mostly sensing that you don’t really want her around too much. 

That said, it is not healthy for a couple to be together all the time. Both need independent activities and parts of their lives to keep the relationship fresh and active. So approach this with empathy and care. Reassure her that you’re excited for her to have more freedom and that you also look forward to spending more time together. 

But also be honest about needing space to pursue your own interests, and share your concerns that she will feel lost without her career. If you really aren’t looking forward to having more time with her, perhaps the relationship needs work. In fact – and forgive me for speculating (some readers might think this, too) – by ‘a nice social life’ I can’t help wondering if you might be having an affair and worry that when your wife retires, it will cramp your style. If this is near the truth, hopefully you can think about what you really want from the future of your marriage as juggling two women would not be fair to either of them. 

I hope this is mere conjecture and that, in fact, when your wife retires, and you find your rhythm, this will be the start of a happy and connected new part of life for both of you.

OUR FAMILY HOLIDAY IS PROVING DIVISIVE

Q My two adult sons get on really well, but I am torn over a situation that means I must prioritise one over the other. 

We were all meant to be going on a family holiday together – sons and wives – this autumn. However, our younger one’s wife is now pregnant (a couple of years earlier than planned) and due to give birth only a few weeks before the holiday. I am sure that she will most likely be exhausted and overwhelmed, and the last thing she’ll feel like is being away from home. She thinks the same, and we feel we should all postpone plans. 

However, our elder son, who doesn’t have children, is – perhaps naïvely – insisting it will be fine and we can all help out. He is pressurising his brother to go. I don’t want to alienate my elder son, but he’s being unrealistic.

A I agree that your elder son is naïve. I knew a couple who took their baby around Europe for six months in a camper van (and had a great time) but they were lucky. 

I don’t agree with the concept of ‘good’ babies (because there are no ‘bad’ babies) but some are ‘easy’ while others can be more challenging – unsettled, colicky, non-sleeping etc. Most parents of newborns look like ghosts. So unless your younger son and his wife are incredibly lucky (like my travelling friends) and get a baby who is a piece of cake, I agree that they’re both likely to feel exhausted, overwhelmed and in no mood for a holiday. 

Try not to see it as taking sides. You are just more experienced and can offer a wiser perspective. Talk gently to both your sons and persuade the elder that a holiday in the spring would be much more fun for all of you.