On the witness stand, Patterson transformed herself again. She was “sorry” for saying awful things about her extended family. The defence facilitated this perception of a normal, sometimes cranky person who naturally clashed with her extended family. Just like the rest of us.

To outsiders, the narcissist is obviously duplicitous, but the narcissist themselves does not necessarily experience their contradictory words and actions as fake. Their fakeness is their reality. The “real” Erin Patterson, is a constructed confection that changes on an as need basis according to the circumstances. When a young Patterson was working as an air-traffic controller, a former colleague described her as someone who “managed to get guys wrapped around her little finger although she was very unkempt … [and] abrasive”. This highlights the two sides of the narcissist – the outwardly charming, bright person whose mental reality breaks through via eccentric outbursts and abrasive interactions. An otherwise competent person whose dishevelled appearance betrays an internal disorganisation.

Patterson’s use of confabulation – where facts are fabricated, distorted, and misinterpreted – as well as bold-faced untruths and compulsive lying are entirely consistent with this type of personality; one which desperately seeks to control the narrative. The narcissist may not truly make the distinction between the truth and a lie because their whole life, their whole self, is a lie. When they lie, they are in fact, being consistent.

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Ironically and sadly, the narcissist’s desperate attempts to fit in can drive people away. Their personality, finely attuned as it is to any signs of change in relationship dynamics, picks up other’s irritation or withdrawal, triggering overwhelming feelings of impending rejection. Panic sets in and a compulsion grows to control the situation. Poorly developed skills to remedy everyday misunderstandings leads to more drastic action. We can all feel insecure, but for the true narcissist, the smallest hint of displeasure from those with whom they seek attachment sends them into a raging, destructive cycle. Since everything revolves around them, minor words and actions from others take on major significance.

From our lens, the parents-in-law’s refusal to get involved in their son and daughter-in-law’s squabbles could be seen as an attempt to be diplomatic, or even a way to protect their relationship with both parties. But for the narcissist, the parents’ response is perceived as malevolent and threatening. It’s likely Patterson truthfully believed she was being “cut out” of the family dynamics, even if that was not the case. For the narcissist, this signals rejection and rejection cannot be tolerated, or left unanswered.

Mary Hahn-Thomsen is a Melbourne psychologist.

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