Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt, 

My friend “Carly” and I have known each other since we had buck teeth and pigtails. Several years ago, after being out of touch for many years we reconnected and started getting together for our birthdays. It became a tradition, along with two other friends from way back. We’d all meet up at least four times a year for birthday celebrations.

Carly worked for a number of years, then decided to pursue her art full time. She married an interesting guy who invests in bands when he has money. So naturally sometimes he has an income, and sometimes he does not. More often not.

During those lean times, Carly would show up to our birthday gatherings with a shrug. “I didn’t bring a gift,” she’d say with a look meaning, “Don’t ask.” OK, I’d think, but not even a card? Some cookies? She loves to cook. Whatever.

Time rolled on and she showed up with lavish gifts at Christmas and for a birthday or two—I truly cannot remember whose. But we felt lovingly fêted, and it was great.

Then last month we met for one friend’s birthdays at a burger joint.

Carly arrived and announced, “I didn’t bring a gift, I don’t do gifts anymore. I don’t want them, and I don’t give them.”

After a pause, I said: “OK. Then you can buy the birthday girl’s dinner, since we brought gifts.” Carly glared at me!

Am I the asshole for not going along with her unilateral decision to be a birthday hater? Let me be clear: It’s not about the gift, but about the thoughtlessness. A card would be fine!

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—No Card For You

Dear No Card for You,

So, life sounds pretty tough for your friend. When she’s flush (or her husband is), she’s more than happy to follow the rules of your birthday get-togethers and be generous. When money is tight, she clams up. But now something has changed and it seems as though money will be perennially tighter.

Given that, and your long history, I wonder why you haven’t asked your friend how she’s doing? The ups and downs clearly relate to her financial woes, but perhaps something else is going on, something she would rather not discuss in public?

By the way, it feels petty on your part to base your birthday satisfaction on whether you’re gifted in style. You say you don’t care and yet, it seems that you do. If you want to preserve your friendship with your childhood friend, then get rid of the gifts and move to birthday cards and celebrations that are affordable for all. Or maybe you don’t want to preserve the friendship, in which case, just stop including her.

—Ilyce

More Money Advice From Slate

My boyfriend and I have been together for over five years. We picked out an engagement ring about a year ago, and I have been waiting for a proposal since. I finally asked him about it. He revealed that even though he wants to propose, he hasn’t been able to buy a ring because he has extreme anxiety around spending large amounts of money. He says that he is terrified of spending any of the money he has saved because he has no idea what the future might hold. I made it clear that since that is a serious issue for him, I don’t need a big ring, or a ring at all. However, we recently applied for preapproval on a mortgage and he finally (begrudgingly) shared his account details with me. He has been making six figures a year since he entered the workforce, and he has about $300K just sitting in a savings account!

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