How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It, 

My wife has to get up very early to commute to work in the morning. The problem is that she will only allow a very finite window for when we can have sex (for instance, between 9 p.m. and 10:30 p.m.).

If we don’t start within that time frame, sex is out for the night. Once we do begin, she sets our alarm clock for one hour, and then we have to stop, no matter how far we’ve gotten. I am absolutely fed up with this. I can’t fully enjoy the experience since I’m always worried about hearing that damned alarm, but she says she needs a certain amount of sleep to function and drive safely. I suggested that we have sex earlier in the evening, but my wife says she wants to relax while she can. This doesn’t seem very fair at all. Any suggestions?

—Cock Blocked By a Clock

Dear Blocked by a Clock,

The concept of fair isn’t going to get you very far here, for a couple of reasons. The first is that libido is an unruly and fickle aspect of any given human. Libido doesn’t care what is equitable, or respond impartially—it is, in fact, quite partial. Presumably, you wouldn’t want to force your wife into sex she doesn’t want to have, and applying a concept that smacks of the courtroom toward the goal of getting someone to relax their sexual boundaries risks coercion. Secondly, while I imagine you’re speaking to the frustration of being unable to have the kind of relaxed and spontaneous sex you prefer, a judgment of fairness would also have to take into account the points your wife makes, which you’ve relayed here—she wakes up very early and needs downtime after her workday. Leave this F-word out of it in any further discussion with her.

My first question is: What do days off look like for the two of you? If she’s working Monday through Friday, could you arrange to be free on the weekends? If she’s on a shifting schedule, it’ll be more difficult, but, again, can you make time to be with her on evenings where she doesn’t have to worry about her early alarm and commute? My hope here is that, if you’re able to have leisurely sex that really works for you once or twice a week, that’ll allow you to get through the week without resentment toward your spouse—and the alarm clock.

Meanwhile, consider what your wife’s approach to sex was before this job. Was she ever into spontaneous sex? Did she enjoy long sessions? If so, consider what (other than her schedule) might have changed and whether you can replicate some of those earlier conditions now. If not, and she’s always preferred a more regimented sex life, has something shifted in your own perspective? Often, early in relationships, people minimize points of mismatch in the hopes that their partner will change, or with an expectation that they can tolerate a certain compromise. In that case, remind yourself of what you loved about your wife so much that it eclipsed this incongruity.

Dear How to Do It, 

Back during Mardi Gras, my wife came up with an idea to wrap her beads around my dick before we had sex. We used a lot of lube and pulled it off. She loved it, but I didn’t really care for it as it was a bit uncomfortable. The trouble is, since then, she wants to do this with an ever-increasing frequency. I hate to take away something she enjoys so much, but this is kind of doing a number on me after all this time. Is there anything similar I could use that would dig in less?

—Strung Out

Dear Strung Out,

I’ll start by addressing the more far-fetched scenario: In the unlikely event that “pulled it off” has to do with something like a handjob but with beads, I’m at a complete loss. If that’s the case, it would be useful to understand more about what this act does for your wife, which might help you find a less uncomfortable replacement activity.

I’m pretty sure, though, that you’re talking about wrapping beads around the base of your penis that are providing some kind of clitoral stimulation. What you’re looking for, in that case, is a textured cock ring, and options abound. There are various thicknesses, firmnesses, textures, and many options, which include vibration. Here’s a recently updated “best of” list from Cosmopolitan to get you started. Do look for products that highlight safer materials like silicone (you may want to avoid jelly rubber, anything with phthalates, bisphenol A—otherwise known as BPA—and PVC). Measure the circumference of the base of your penis, while erect, to get an idea of sizing. Once you’re actually using rings, you’ll get a sense of how snug of a fit you prefer, but even the stretchy ones tend to have a size range.

If you have a sex shop nearby, and your wife is open to an adventure, this can be a great opportunity to do something a little exciting together and, crucially, to see products in person. I do have a special place in my heart for the seedy spots that send you out with your purchases in a brown paper bag, but stores that are more “female-friendly” are more likely to have staff who can help guide your decisions. If that’s not an option, though, internet shopping will work just fine.

Send Us Your Questions About the Workplace!

The columnists behind our new advice column, Good Job, want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here!

Dear How to Do It,

I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for a couple of months. I really like her and she’s amazing in bed, but there’s one problem. She loves getting oral sex, and I’ve never been able to do it for any woman I’ve been with. Is there some way I can work past this so I don’t disappoint her? She’s been urging me to go down on her lately.

—Dive Right In

Dear Dive Right In,

There are so many reasons a person might have difficulty performing cunnilingus. Bravo for reaching out for support, though, and hopefully one or more of my guesses will give you something to work with.

Anxiety, usually due to inexperience, is a frequent issue people run into. You can absolutely study some basic anatomy beforehand, which can help you feel confident that you know the lay of the land, as it were. However, the specifics of how a person likes to be touched vary immensely, and you’ll need to gather that information from your girlfriend. Some people are comfortable gently trying things and listening and watching for cues about enjoyment level from their partners. Others do better with verbal instruction. Think about what you might prefer when it comes to feedback.

Help! My Husband Found an Envelope Full of Cash. What Happened Next Might Ruin Our Marriage. My Roommate Just Admitted She Has Hated Me For a Year. Her Reason Is Nonsensical. My Wife Is Pushing Her Former Failed Dreams on Our Daughter. I Want to Go Behind Her Back to Put a Stop to It. Help! My Best Friend Has Always Wanted Us to Have Babies at the Same Time. Well, I’ve Been Lying to Her for Years.

If there’s a jaw or neck pain issue, you might check in with a dentist or physiotherapist. Stuff like grinding your teeth at night or having neck and shoulder tension can make keeping your mouth open or positioning your head more painful than it actually has to be. If that’s not an option, you can still work out positions that involve less strain, such as you lying on your back with her resting her genitals on your mouth, or both of you lying on your sides. And you can absolutely get creative with your lips as a way of reducing the amount of time that your jaw is spread.

Sometimes scent, taste, or texture is part of the equation. Frequently, with time and gentle exposure, a person gets used to the sensory experience of eating someone out. It’s also possible that sensory processing differences make this a consistent barrier. Dental dams can help with this, though they do come with their own scents, tastes, and textures.

All three categories of issues will be easiest to work through with your partner’s support and cooperation. I’d let her know that you’re stressed about this but motivated to learn how to give her the oral she’s pining for, and ask for her help and patience. Go slowly. Look at this as a process, like learning anything tends to be. Focus on understanding what she enjoys and finding ways you can comfortably provide that.

—Jessica

More Advice From Slate

I’ve been having an on-off affair with a colleague for the past year. I’m a queer woman, and my wife and I separated after she found out about the affair, because I couldn’t get over my feelings for my colleague—let’s call her M. M is a “straight” married woman who has been with her husband forever. The affair is hot and I’m wildly into her. Every few weeks or so we find a gap to spend time together, and the intimacy and sex are great. She really does it for me. But I also kind of enjoy thinking about her and her husband together. It’s a strange combination of jealousy and arousal.