How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It, 

My husband and I have a 6-month-old and resumed regular sex last month. Things were going great until about two weeks ago.

He squeezed my breasts while we were in bed and he got squirted. It completely killed the mood for him; he went limp, and that was it for the night. Now he avoids my boobs entirely when he’s been willing to have sex. I’m starting to lose patience with his squicked out attitude. How can I get him to stop acting like an immature idiot?

—You Got Sprayed With Milk, Not Acid!

Dear You Got Sprayed With Milk,

No matter how much the milk in your breasts is a part of the pregnancy you’ve recently carried to term, an important method of feeding your child, and an absolutely natural aspect of having a body, your husband seems to have had a reaction of aversion that was out of his control. Our immediate and emotional reactions are often out of sync with our intellectual understanding. While there’s no guarantee that talking through that dissonance will solve the situation, that’s your most likely way forward.

So, while you certainly have plenty of work on your hands at the moment raising your child, the best next step would be to ask your husband to tell you what happened on his end. Do your best to approach from a position of curiosity, and ask him follow up questions about his feelings, thoughts, and whether he has any idea of the whys behind both. Sometimes the act of voicing things out loud helps us to see where we’re experiencing contradictions, and move past them. When appropriate, it may be useful to offer any facts he seems to be missing.

If he’s dodging the conversation, feel free to let him know that you’re frustrated by his avoidance. In the event you go that route, keep the focus on your feelings—including what you’re missing.

Dear How to Do It, 

I just learned my new girlfriend “Stella” has her clitoris pierced. I’ve never been with someone who has this sort of “accessory” before, and am not sure how to handle it when we have sex and I don’t want to look like an idiot by having to ask her. Do I work around it when going down on her? Will it pose a danger to me when we’re having sex? The thought of having something made of metal that close to my dick makes me kind of nervous.

—Wasn’t Expecting That

Dear Wasn’t Expecting That,

Think of the clitoris piercing as an opportunity to consider how little we can safely assume about how any new partner likes to be approached. The reality is that—while we may be able to make educated guesses based on an understanding of anatomy and previous experience—every time we have sex with someone for the first time, we’re using a combination of verbal communication and nonverbal cues to gauge how they like to be touched. You’ve got a range of options here, all the way from directly asking Stella, “How would you like me to touch your pussy, and, specifically, to navigate your piercing?” to taking various actions and judging how into it she seems based on body language and vocalizations. Relying purely on discussion risks the interaction feeling clinical, and relying purely on body language in response risks overstepping a boundary. If you think back, you’ve probably always used a little of each approach. Hopefully, this helps you reframe your idea that asking Stella about her preferences will make you “look like an idiot.”

During oral sex, you’ll want to be careful of your teeth—it’s rare for people to chip a tooth on a piercing but it does occasionally happen. You’ll also want to consider how you might be able to use the piercing to enhance pleasure—something Stella might know a thing or two about—though, of course, you’ll want to be very gentle with the piercing.

As for the piercing being a danger to your penis, the answer is probably not but it’s hard to say without further detail. If the jewelry has sharp pieces, that could absolutely be a scratching risk. However, since Stella is walking around all of the time with this piercing in her genitals, it’s pretty unlikely that it has sharp parts. If the ends are not securely in place, and one falls off during intercourse, again, that could absolutely be a risk. But this is pretty unlikely as part of taking care of a piercing involves making sure it stays in place, so she’s probably in the habit of checking on the piercing every couple of weeks. Ultimately, though, you won’t know all of these details until you ask.

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Dear How to Do It, 

My wife and I (both female) have been together for almost 10 years. She is my first relationship, and her only relationship before me was sexually abusive. She’s been sexually repulsed ever since, and since I’m asexual, it hasn’t been an issue before this point. I’ve been curious about sex, but I can handle myself just fine, and I wouldn’t have been comfortable trying to open the relationship because it’s been rocky for many years now.

We’re in couples therapy for the problems we’ve been having. But a few weeks ago, my wife said she was sexually attracted to her male best friend (the intensity of their friendship, and her prioritizing him, has been one of the problems), that the feeling was mutual, and that she wants to open our marriage to pursue that. I expressed that I was curious about sex and would prefer to try that together first, but she has said that she isn’t attracted to me because I can’t be sexually attracted to her, and that my body is too similar to her ex’s and would be triggering to see sexually.

We’re working through this with our therapist, and have decided to keep the relationship closed, but my wife has said that if I’m her only option, she’ll just learn to deal with not having partnered sex. Having read your column since it started, I feel terrible keeping that from her, and I know that many people end relationships over unmet sexual needs. I don’t want her to hate me years down the road for keeping her from having a sex life. At the same time, we still have too much instability for me to feel safe opening up (including the fact that she won’t stop seeing this friend, though she’s cutting back on the time they spend together, and she says that the sexual attraction is now gone). And I’m trying to let go of the possibility of exploring partnered sex myself when I’m not getting any younger.

I know the priority is trying to tackle the other issues in our marriage and build my trust back, but is there anything else I can do to either increase my own comfort with opening up eventually or come to terms with what I might lose and what I’ll deprive her of if we stay together? How do I know when a sexual mismatch is too severe to overcome, no matter how much I care about her?

—Ball(less) Chain

Dear Ball(less) Chain,

I’m not there when you and your wife are having these conversations, and I’m aware that I haven’t heard her side of the story. That said, it sounds like you’re a lot more worried about what your wife might miss out on than she is about what you might miss out on—both in the opportunity to experience partnered sex, and in the chance to feel secure in your relationship regardless of whether the structure is closed or open. It also sounds like you’re a lot more worried about her needs and desires than she is about yours.

Help! My Husband Found an Envelope Full of Cash. What Happened Next Might Ruin Our Marriage. My Cousin Told Me About a House He Wanted to Flip. I Accidentally Bought It. Help! My Best Friend Has Always Wanted Us to Have Babies at the Same Time. Well, I’ve Been Lying to Her for Years. My Niece Survived a Bomb Blast, But It’s Her Romantic Life That’s Freaking Me Out.

It might be worth having a conversation about the nuances of sexual attraction and desire. You’re curious about partnered sex, and you’d like to have that partnered sex with your wife. It’s possible that we could call what you’re experiencing a desire to have sex with your wife. It’s also possible that when she says she can’t find you attractive because you’ll never find her attractive, she’s expressing a hurt that stems from feeling rejected, which might be alleviated to some extent by internalizing your desire for sex with her. Consider whether there might be some progress to be made along those lines.

As for your wife finding your body triggering in a sexual context because of your physical similarity to her ex, is she in individual therapy for this trauma? Is getting to the point where she can be focused on the present and see you—in a sexual light—as the separate individual you are, something she wants to work toward? Basically, is she open to trying to change this?

Mostly, though, I think you’ll benefit from spending some time considering the positive aspects of your marriage and weighing those qualities against everything you’re missing. Making an actual list of each is one way people often think through these sorts of situations.

—Jessica

More Advice From Slate

I’m writing you two for advice on “how to do it” since I already know how not to do it from past mistakes. My husband and best friend recently sat me down to share his desire to open up our relationship. We dabbled with the idea of opening the relationship 10 years ago when I discovered he was in the midst of an intense affair with a college student (not his own) from another university he met while teaching abroad. He’s a professor still; she’s no longer a student.