Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.

Dear Prudence,

All my life, I have struggled with being dishonest. I often find it easier to tell a “white lie” (or a not-so-white lie) in order to get what I want or avoid confrontation. A few months ago, I wanted a day at the spa. I knew my husband would put up a fuss about my spending so much money, so I told him I was going somewhere else and went to the spa anyway.

Recently my husband was checking our bank records, found the payment for the spa visit, and flipped out. He’s now questioning my integrity about everything. I understand why, but the most painful thing is that I am pregnant with our first child, which he now says he cannot be sure is his. We were both surprised when I conceived because our travel schedules have meant we haven’t been intimate much. But I haven’t had sex with any other man since I’ve been with my husband, and I don’t know how he can think this baby is not his. I know that gaining his trust again will be difficult. But is there any way I can at least convince him that this baby is his?

—Lying Liar

Dear Lying,

The issue of paternity of your baby can be confirmed with an easy DNA test. But when that becomes necessary, you’ve got a marriage in serious trouble. Instead of allowing you to avoid confrontation, your dishonesty has resulted in this conflagration. You know your behavior only corrodes the trust between you and whoever hears your lies. But breaking out of longtime, self-destructive patterns is no easy thing—ask anyone who struggles with overeating, procrastination, or the other ways we undermine ourselves in the long-run to avoid the unpleasantness of the moment. You need to start examining what prompts you to lie, so start keeping a journal. Becoming aware of your triggers and thought processes can help you gain control of this behavior. Maybe you lie most when you feel thwarted or entitled. Maybe it gives you a sense of rebelling against someone you feel is domineering. These are issues that might have been playing out in the spa episode. When the lie starts rising in your throat, start training yourself to take a deep breath, swallow, and then tell the truth. The book The Liar in Your Life might provide further insights, as would seeing a cognitive therapist to help you establish new, better habits—taking this step would be a good signal to your husband about your seriousness. If you two can’t restore trust on your own, add another professional to the mix in order to keep your family from falling apart before it’s created.

From: Pants on Fire, Marriage in Flames. (Nov. 11th, 2010).

Dear Prudence

I am a 24-year-old guy whose sister is getting married next month. We get along well, and I’m good friends with my future brother-in-law. I have the honor of being the best man, and the wedding will be an extravagant affair. My sister has insisted that I shave my beard for the occasion, but I really don’t want to. I’ve had my beard for more than two years. It’s full and thick and extends a few inches below my chin, so it takes months to grow to the right length. I’ve offered to trim it down for a neater appearance, but my sister says she won’t accept anything but a clean-shaven face. Am I being unreasonable, or is she? Should I give in to my sister’s demands, or should I stand up for myself and risk the full wrath of this bridezilla (and possible expulsion from the wedding party)?

—Bearded Brother and Best Man

Kristin Wong Read More

Dear Bearded,

Given the growing demands of brides who view the people who are invited to the wedding not as guests but as extras, wedding planners might consider creating holding pens in which to corral those who show up to celebrate the happy day, but who fail to meet the bride’s aesthetic standards. I’ve gotten letters from people who are threatened with such a ban because they require devices to aid their mobility or thick glasses to help them see, or because they decline to purchase garments to match the bride’s “wedding colors.” I’ll admit that the description of your chin hair puts me in mind of Joaquin Phoenix during his temporary-insanity days, but your hirsuteness is your business, and your offer to trim is a fair concession. If that isn’t good enough for your sister, then you’ll have to forgo your duties. Without rancor, tell her you’re sorry she feels that way, but you understand that she’ll have to find another best man. Then, since she’s your sister, try to ascribe this whole episode to her own temporary insanity and hope that once she’s finally married, her normal personality will rise like a phoenix.

From: Unhealthy Attachment Parenting. (Nov. 24th, 2010).

Dear Prudence,

I Am Dying to Un-Invite My Friends From Staying at My Lake House. But Their Flights Are Already Booked. I’ve Been Spending a Lot of Time With a Younger Man at Work. What My Husband Doesn’t Know Won’t Hurt Him. My In-Laws Are Keeping a Life-Altering Secret From My Niece. She’s Catching On to the Truth. Help! My Friend Keeps Complaining About Her Husband. I Might Tell Him for My Own Sake.

My husband and I enjoy entertaining friends and neighbors with dinners, cocktail parties, and other festive events throughout the year. We are friends with one couple we include frequently. They are bright, enjoyable people, but they don’t know when to leave. We had one cocktail party scheduled from 5 p.m. to 8 p.m. Most people left by 8:30, a few stragglers stayed until 9:30, and this couple finally decided they should head home at midnight. They always stay at least a couple of hours after all the other guests have gone. Is it ever appropriate to send guests home? If so, how do I do it? The wife has very strongly held opinions about etiquette—and heaven help anyone who violates her rules!

—Pulling in the Welcome Mat

Dear Pulling,

I wonder what etiquette book the wife’s been reading that says after your hosts have loaded the dishwasher, gotten into their pajamas, and flossed their teeth, it’s time to say, “Let’s play Parcheesi!” From your description, either they’re incredibly insensitive, or they thought you were hoping to have your cocktail party listed in the Guinness World Records. Don’t worry about offending these would-be boarders. After the next to last guest has gone, just say to them, “It’s been wonderful talking to you, but we have an early morning, so we’ll see you soon, I hope.” If that doesn’t get them to the door, get their coats and say, “Bob, Marsha, I’m afraid we have to ask you to leave.” And if that’s what’s required, you may want to limit your socializing with them to meeting at restaurants that close early.

—Emily

From: The Bitter End. (Jan. 13th, 2011).

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