What’s the point in apologising?

“I’m sorry” are two of the most healing words in the English language, says clinical psychologist and author of Why Won’t You Apologize?, Dr Harriet Lerner.

“It validates [the recipient’s] reality by affirming their feelings make sense, we get it, and we take full responsibility for our words and actions.”

Apologising not only strengthens relationships, but also changes the way people perceive themselves.

“Our self-respect and maturity level rest squarely on our ability to see ourselves objectively, to take a clear-eyed look at the ways our behaviour affects others, and to acknowledge when we’ve acted at another person’s expense,” Lerner says.

What makes a good apology?

Marjorie Ingall, the co-author of Getting to Sorry, says a good apology is more than mere words – it’s action. This means a conscious effort to make amends and change poor behaviour.

“A good apology ... should spell out the steps you’re taking. If there’s a way to make amends, it should make amends or offer reparations,” says Ingall, who is also the co-creator of apology watchdog website SorryWatch. “It allows the other person to have their say. It involves listening, not interrupting, self-justifying, or offering excuses.”

Expressing regret isn’t the same as apologising, she notes. While regret centres the feelings of the apologiser, apologising centres the feelings of the apologisee. It’s also important to take ownership of the mistake – to “name the sin”.

“That’s why people get so upset at ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’. That sentence takes no responsibility for making the person feel that way,” she says.

Lily Allen’s apology, for example, is specific – she’s sorry for singling out Katy Perry. She has clearly reflected on where her comments went astray, and is careful not to apologise for suggesting the space flight was a fake feminist display, which she still believes. This places realistic limits on the apology, making it more authentic.

Conversely, Amber Heard and Johnny Depp’s apology for sneaking their two dogs into Australia in 2015 only seemed to worsen the situation. Lerner says most public celebrity apologies aren’t received well because they’re not intended to heal a relationship or rebuild trust. Rather, they’re usually “mea culpas with endless qualifications”.

“It’s unrealistic to expect authentic expressions of empathy and remorse at the moment when the offending persons are at risk of having their life accomplishments, reputations, as well as their identities reduced to the worst things they’ve ever done,” Lerner says.

When, where and how?

It’s only worth apologising once you truly understand why an apology is necessary, says Lauren Rosewarne, an associate professor at the University of Melbourne’s School of Social and Political Sciences.

To determine the best way to deliver an apology, Rosewarne suggests considering how you’d like to receive it if the situation were reversed.

“For apologies in professional settings, I would suggest a written apology is appropriately formal and suited to the location,” she says. “If it’s someone very close to you, it’s important to take their feelings into consideration. You’ll have a sense of whether apologising will make things worse, embarrass them, or even be construed as confrontational. If so, it might be better put in writing.”

However, a text or written apology could be interpreted as a “cop-out” by certain friends – a means to avoid taking proper accountability. In these cases, Rosewarne says an in-person apology could seem more heartfelt.

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Public apologies are reserved for when there’s public interest in the infraction. “Nobody should be sending out a tweet apology for eating their roommate’s leftovers,” Rosewarne says.

Saying sorry in certain situations could be interpreted as accepting legal liability, thus deterring some from apologising. However, Rosewarne says this is rarely the case for everyday situations.

“Saying sorry to a friend because you forgot their birthday isn’t the kind of apology that’s going to end up in a courtroom,” she says.

Regardless of how, Lerner says it’s important to remember it’s never too late to say sorry meaningfully.

Are we getting worse at apologising?

It’s easy to assume we’re generally less fluent in the art of apologising now due to the proliferation of digital communications. However, Rosewarne says delivering an effective apology has always been challenging, even before TikTok.

If an initial apology fails, it’s best to re-think the approach instead of repeating yourself. Lerner warns that over-apologising could ultimately irritate the person you’re trying to make amends with.

There may even be cases in which someone simply isn’t ready to receive an apology, something Ingall says must be respected.

“You can only control your apology, not the other person’s forgiveness.”

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