Dear Bel,

My boyfriend and I have good friends who have just had a baby. They are understandably thrilled and happy.

I’m happy they’re happy, but I’m not happy about the baby because really it means nothing to me. I feel pretty indifferent about the whole thing and am fed up with all the sentimental fuss about babies.

Everyone else in our social group (all in their 30s) seems to be excited, but I simply don’t understand.

The trouble for me is the way our friends have changed. They have stopped being the people I liked and they have moved home, too, leaving their good friends behind.

Before they moved, they stopped going out as much, stopped being there to talk to, stopped being as lively as they once were and became preoccupied with the bump.

It’s as if they have learned a new language I don’t speak. I can’t join in the conversation and don’t understand what they are talking about. The old subjects have gone; there is only one topic.

Am I a monster to admit I get no pleasure receiving an email containing 25 pictures of the new baby? My two friends are not the only ones suffering baby-madness. My boyfriend’s brother and his wife have recently had a baby, and since they announced she was pregnant, the grandparents-to-be have lost all interest in my boyfriend and me. Somehow, we are now less worthy of their time and effort because we, by direct comparison, do not have a baby.

'I don’t understand the hysteria surrounding other people’s babies,' writes Rosa

I would like to (in fact, hope to) have my own children in a couple of years, so I am very far from being anti-children. But I don’t understand the hysteria surrounding other people’s babies. Suddenly it feels like my life and its issues are so less important than anything to do with the baby.

Besides, I do genuinely miss my friends (the pre-baby version – not this new, overly-excited, can’t-talk-to-them variety).

In writing this, I know how I sound. But as bad as I feel about that, those are my feelings.

I can see that my attitude will become a problem if left unchecked, so I would really like to hear your thoughts on this.

Rosa

Bel Mooney replies: Some readers will think you sound very self-absorbed, even immature. My first reaction is to wonder whether you are expressing views held by other younger people (and some older ones, too), who would be afraid to be so forthright.

I like honesty but, in fact, I think you ‘sound’ somewhat panicky, so I’m wondering what’s going on.

Right at the end of your email you make the interesting comment that you foresee a problem in the future if your ‘attitude’ remains ‘unchecked.’

The only way to ‘check’ it is to examine your feelings with even more honesty.

The truth is, we can all bore our friends if we become too obsessed with one thing. New grandmothers, especially, can often be heard apologising in passing – and without much conviction – when they click on yet another set of pictures of the adorable new grandchild or the cute toddler grandchildren at play. I’ve done it myself!

A friend will probably say, ‘Oh, how lovely’ because that’s polite, but they don’t necessarily want to look for too long.

Personally I adore pictures of babies and children, but don’t think it’s heinous for somebody to mutter: ‘All babies look alike, for heaven’s sake!’

Let’s accept that you feel sad to have lost the company of two good friends and that you can’t help irrationally ‘blaming’ the innocent baby who caused all this. Missing them as they were, you lack the inner resources for the emotional growth that could understand their joy.

I’m afraid it shows a sad lack of empathy and must call into question the depth of the original friendship. Was it all about fun, rather than understanding?

You’re also jealous of your husband’s brother and his wife, stamping your foot and crying for attention like a little child. But why? You write: ‘Suddenly it feels like my life and its issues are so less worthy.’ What ‘issues’ are so bothering you? Is the baby‑annoyance displacing something else?

Reading between the lines, I can’t help wondering what conversations you and your boyfriend have had about the future.

Do you fear a lack of commitment on his part? Do you long for marriage? That needs exploring, because there seems to be a lot of fear behind your words. That’s why I used the word ‘panicky’ above.

I confess that when I found myself pregnant (at 26), my first response was a feeling of panic I couldn’t confide to anybody. I’d already been married for five years, and there were no adverse circumstances, except perhaps the job which took my husband away a great deal.

But I was horrified at the thought of losing my freedom, and terrified of not being able to cope. Could that be what’s going on with you?

I also ask you to consider whether you’re terrified of childbirth itself? That’s not unusual, you know.

These are issues which counselling could unravel, but an honest, in-depth conversation with your partner might do the trick.

By the way, once I had my baby son, I fell in love in a brand-new way and wanted to show his photograph to the whole world.

Do I tell my eldest DNA test bombshell?

Dear Bel,

Recently I discovered, through the website Ancestry, that my youngest daughter Jenny appeared with a 50 per cent DNA connection with me, but no DNA connection with my elder daughter, Sue.

The implication was clear and did not come as a surprise, as I had always had my doubts about Sue’s paternity.

But in the 1960s you were more or less obliged to take the girl’s word about an unplanned pregnancy, and so my ex-wife and I got married at an extremely young age.

'They say the truth can set you free, but it can also tangle you up in knots that dig into the flesh,' writes Bel Mooney

Married life was very difficult. For no apparent reason she would explode with a torrent of verbal abuse and start packing a case, declaring she was going home to mother. It wasn’t easy trying to calm her down. I researched pre-menstrual tension, etc., to try to find what triggered these spells of discontent, but it all just got worse.

Eventually I called a halt to the marriage after 31 years.

Why did it last so long? Firstly I considered the children were my responsibility, and secondly as I was in the RAF life was complicated.

When I later took Sue to task about refusing to attend her sister’s wedding, she declared she’d never talk to me again. But as there appears to be no DNA connection between myself and Sue, do I now contact her, or her mother, in order to clarify it?

Stephen

Bel Mooney replies: I had to omit much from your original letter – they were complicated details about housing and not necessary to the story, when there was much else I’d have liked to have been told.

The key thing was your relationship to both girls as they were growing, notwithstanding your absences. Did they get on with each other? Were you closer to the youngest? Did their parents’ tempestuous marriage have any discernible effects on them?

You tell me in your longer letter that your eldest, Sue, refused to attend her sister’s wedding because she and your ex-wife looked down on the man she was marrying. Can that really have been the only reason? The whole thing is quite a strange story.

That, however, does not change the fact that the DNA revelation awakened suspicions you had harboured ever since your ‘shotgun’ wedding.

The proliferation of genealogical testing sites has, I suspect, caused many such problems. They say the truth can set you free, but it can also tangle you up in knots that dig into the flesh. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. And sometimes a search for the truth can be evidence of mean-spiritedness – and do harm.

Ask yourself what effect pushing the issue with your ex-wife and/or with Sue would have on your own well-being, and on theirs.

You are already estranged from Sue over the wedding invitation, and it’s clear from your final crack at this elder daughter (which I cut out) that you don’t think much of her at all. So I’m not sure why you’d want to proceed. Were you still supporting the girls financially you might find motivation in a sense of injustice, but since they are both married this cannot be the case.

If you were to put pressure on her, your ex might indeed blurt, maybe with satisfaction, that the first baby was not yours. In which case you would almost certainly tell Sue, who could made be very unhappy, and potentially angry with her troubled mother.

Would this do any good? Would it help their relationship with Jenny? You don’t mention grandchildren yet but, looking ahead, their wellbeing must be taken into consideration. One day there may be cousins who might like to play together.

Since your eldest has refused to speak to you and sounds as if she is still close to your ex-wife, then I would let that be. To pursue your question will lead to upset and conflict. I’d focus on your own life in the present and that of the younger daughter with whom you have no quarrel or qualms.