Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here.

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I have been together for eight years. There have been times where we have not been the best partners to each other due to our own traumas, but we have worked very hard with our own therapists to be better people and better partners to one another. That being said, we have been having some serious conflicts lately, and I have expressed wanting to go to couples therapy. My partner says that both he and his therapist think that’s a bad idea. I understand why both of them think that way—I have a lot of privileges that my partner does not that will affect how a third-party views us and our dynamic: I am white and East Asian with passing privilege and have been considered conventionally attractive my whole life. I grew up in a suburb with stability and consistency within my social life (if not in my home life) and I attended a good university in a major city. I connect with people and make friends easily.

On the other side, my partner is what I like to call “ambiguously brown”: Southeast Asian, Muslim, and Indigenous Mexican. He grew up in a major metropolitan area and had to change schools a lot because of bullying and threats of gang violence. His family life is extremely complicated, and he has a lot of deep-seated abandonment trauma. Prior friend groups often made him feel like “the ugly friend,” and he does not make or keep friends easily unless he “masks” and downplays his own needs. He is incredibly smart, but was only able to attend and finish college in his late twenties.

I am very aware of how quick others are to brush off my partner, but I give me praise, and I have done my best to educate and continue educating myself about the systemic and subconscious motivations behind it. So I understand why both he and his therapist are wary of couples therapy. His therapist is Muslim, Queer, and BIPOC and works through a social justice, anti-colonial, and antiracist lens and has done couples counseling in the past. I asked if his therapist would be willing to do couples counseling for us, but the answer is still no. I feel stuck. My therapist, a nice white lady that I have been seeing for the last six years, says that I’m being gaslit by my partner. My partner says that I am gaslighting him. Seriously, we have had fights that have devolved into “my therapist says … “, “Oh yeah? Well MY therapist says … “

I know that couples therapy can be risky and that he’s afraid that I’m just looking for someone to play referee instead of working on my own communication issues, but I don’t know what else to do. Even if he doesn’t believe me, I am genuinely trying as best I can, I just don’t think I have the bandwidth right now to find a BIPOC therapist I can afford or adjust my antidepressants. I feel like I’m barely keeping up with work, self-care, finances, housework, and our cats’ medical issues. I have been trying to listen to self-help books and podcasts like he asked and I am now starting to journal. Still, he doesn’t feel emotionally safe, and I don’t feel like my needs are being met, and I don’t think talking to our own therapists separately is going to help. What else can I do?

—A Confused Pretty Privileged People Pleaser

Jenée Desmond-Harris: SO much going on here! And, I really don’t want to be dismissive because I think this person is very earnest and self-reflective and thoughtful and we need more of that in this world. But there was a small part of me whose first reaction was “This is what happens when you have too much therapy and internet access.” And I guess by that I mean, I believe that these people have issues to work out and that there are legitimate concerns about how their identities (and other people’s biases) might shape how they’re treated in therapy. But it just feels like a very basic relationship problem (“We have a ton of fights, I often shut down, he doesn’t feel safe, and I don’t feel like my needs are being met”) is buried under—and muddled by—a lot of race and class analysis that is maybe a bit beside the point at this juncture? What do you think?

Nadira Goffe: Wow wow wow. Okay. Woof. This is, in a word? A lot! I almost want to close read and annotate this, but we don’t have the time for that. I feel you, Jenée—I do think that most of this feels like there’s an unnecessary amount of analysis that is preventing this couple from moving forward. However, I think that this is partly because, from this letter, we know so much but also so little about the important details. We don’t even necessarily know what this couple is fighting about outside of “some serious conflicts.” If those conflicts are about race/class, then I understand this letter a bit more! But they could also be fighting about, like, unloading a dishwasher.

I have many questions after reading this letter—I can’t even tell if the LW’s partner and their therapist are rejecting the idea of couples therapy on the whole or couples therapy from a non-POC therapist. But I’m inclined to agree with you that therapy is running this couple’s life together instead of aiding it. It feels as though, in a way, the LW’s partner’s therapist has too much dominion over this couple’s choices, considering it is a person that our LW practically has no relationship with? Therapy is a great, necessary tool—but it shouldn’t be a third party in your relationship of two!

Jenée: I love the idea of annotating and I think we should talk to someone at Slate about if we can respond that way in the future. But back to the letter: Our LW is saying “I just don’t think I have the bandwidth right now to find a BIPOC therapist I can afford or adjust my antidepressants,” but also bingeing on self-help podcasts and books. I want to gently suggest skipping two one-hour episodes and doing a search for a new provider, which could be as simple as a social media post asking for recommendations.

Do I think the perfectly socially conscious, fair, sensitive therapist is going to solve all of these people’s problems? Nope, I do not. BUT I think they are both so used to deferring to authority figures when it comes to their emotional growth that they won’t have any of the conversations they need to without a professional who they both find trustworthy.

Actually, before doing that, LW talk to your therapist about adjusting your meds if you feel you need to. That has to be the first step, and you need to prioritize it. You can take a week off from journaling to make the space in your schedule.

Nadira: Yeah, I guess the thing I’m so confused about here is that it seems like it’s more about a battle between therapists instead of between each other? For example, LW could look for a new provider, but they like their current one. The issue is more so that they feel they need a third party available to work with both them and their partner. I guess the bridge I’m having trouble connecting is—and this perhaps gets into the claims of gaslighting—why LW is being asked to use self-help books and podcasts when they believe that what their partnership struggles with is a joint communication issue. Is it that their partner believes that their issues communicating are because of the race/class imbalance and that LW’s therapist isn’t equipping our LW to see that? (Which, on that note, LW says “he’s afraid that I’m just looking for someone to play referee instead of working on my own communication issues,” but, without knowing specifics, communication is a two-way street! Sometimes it is something you cannot work on by yourself no matter what tools you have.)

You’ve given great advice to our LW about checking in on their care and themselves, but it seems to me from this letter that if we removed their partner (and their partner’s therapist) from the equation, our LW would be totally happy with their care? And I can’t tell if that’s their bias or because what they’re dealing with is really a joint communication issue. But I completely agree with you that, though a great therapist won’t solve it, it seems as though this couple does feel that they need someone to defer to. But the scary thing about this is, when you get to this territory of the “who’s gaslighting who?” to the point where you need another person to adjudicate, what you have is probably not a communication issue. It’s a trust issue.

Jenée: Yes, it is very hard to recover from “Who’s gaslighting who?” I just kind of wanted to whisper to these people “You know you’re not legally required to stay together, right?” But I guess there’s something to be said for an eight-year investment in each other, and I’m pretty certain they wouldn’t be willing to part ways right now. I think in the back of my mind I was hoping maybe the right therapist might talk them through a conscious uncoupling, if you will.

A Key Feature of My Boyfriend’s Appearance Turns Me Off. He Refuses to Alter It. My Roommate Just Admitted She Has Hated Me For a Year. Her Reason Is Nonsensical. My Husband’s Infuriating Habit Sets a Terrible Example for Our Kids. I’ve Asked Them to Police Him. Help! My Husband Found an Envelope Full of Cash. What Happened Next Might Ruin Our Marriage.

Nadira: Gosh, I really hate to always be that “I think you should break up” girl but, sometimes… I completely agree. Reading this letter made me exhausted in a very real way, so much so that I also was thinking the same the entire time. Foundational trust issues are hard to navigate, especially without an unbiased third party. But I also think more therapizing for this couple could knock them even further down this really confusing rabbit hole. With all long-term relationships, there’s so much to consider before ending them, and maybe this couple can find a way through. But if they don’t trust each other and they “can’t” bring in outside help, I don’t necessarily see how. (Side note: Is it really okay or normal for someone’s therapist to advocate for less therapy? I don’t see why the partner’s therapist would say seeing a couple’s therapist is a bad idea.)

Jenée: Such a good point! I have my eye on that therapist. I guess as a final note, I want to say to the LW: If you DO end up breaking up and find yourself dating again, and the topic of past relationships comes up, please keep the description of this one to a high-level summary. Like three sentences. With no mention of gaslighting allegations.