Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

I have a complicated relationship with my sister. I don’t like her, and I feel done with her. During her rebellious teen years, she made a lot of poor choices. As the older and more responsible sibling, I stepped in to help every time since my parents looked the other way, until I got burned out. She consistently chose her friends or men over me when it wasn’t crisis mode, like if we made plans to get lunch or even just making time for a phone call. I finally had enough and put up some major boundaries.

Now, she is a single mom living with my parents. She doesn’t work—or do much of anything, including raising her own kid. I see how much this has impacted my aging mother. My mom is imploring me to step in and help, have a better relationship with my nibling, talk sense into my sister, etc., but I just can’t do it—things have gotten out of hand.

The more I talk to my sister, the angrier I get at the situation. I honestly want to cut her out of my life, but part of me feels guilty that I’ve given up on her. I’m not sure what more I can do; she has to want to get help. In a way, I just want someone to say it’s OK to write her off. Since I’m so burned out, I feel like my ethical compass is skewed. I guess the advice I need is how to navigate a relationship with my mom or my nibbling while also keeping my sister at a distance. What do you think my responsibilities are to my family? Is it wrong to give up?

—Not My Sister’s Keeper

Dear Not My,

I agree that it would be tough to have a relationship with your parents while ignoring a person who lives in their home. But I don’t think that’s really what you want. Yes, you’re frustrated by your sister and hurt by her, and not a huge fan of the life choices she’s made. It sounds to me, though, like all of these complicated feelings are rooted in loving her and wanting better for her. So, you should carve out a plan for a relationship that lands somewhere between “I’ll do what my mom wants and force myself on her as a life coach” and going no contact.

Can you imagine a way of interacting with her that isn’t about fixing her or having any expectations for her outside of the moments she shares with you? Think of how relaxing and refreshing it could be to decide that what you do with your sister is pick her up to get a burrito once a week, sit and watch a movie once a month, or text her funny TikToks when you see them. She’s not a teen anymore, so hopefully, her choosing to see her friends over you won’t apply.

If you feel like you can muster it, extend yourself to her, and say to yourself, “My goal is to have a nice afternoon/evening/text exchange,” or “My goal is to get to know her better,” or “My goal is to share a memory with her,” and that’s it! If she isn’t home when you come to pick her up or doesn’t write back when you reach out to her, she’ll be the one deciding that you don’t have a relationship. You won’t have to do a thing.

Dear Prudence,

My best friend just got engaged to a total asshole. Everybody sees him for what he is except her. Would it be appropriate for our social circle to stage an intervention?

—It’s for Your Own Good

Dear Own Good,

I totally understand the urge to do an intervention. In fact, I’ve done it before. Guess what? The person who was intervened on is no longer my friend. And I really regret getting involved. I think that experience is pretty typical. Telling someone the person they love is terrible rarely (readers, write in and let me know if your experience is different!) leads to them saying “Thank you so much for letting me know, and excuse me while I go break up with him.” It doesn’t matter how right you are. It just doesn’t work. That’s why, in situations that fall short of abuse, I always advise friends to simply stick around and be as nonjudgmental as possible. Your best friend is eventually going to see, or experience, this guy for who he is, and when that happens, she’s going to need you to be there.

Dear Prudence,

When my husband and I go to parties/family gatherings, he has a tendency to get drunk and launch into his bottomless supply of dirty jokes. I find this humiliating. He always claims that next time he’ll remain sober and behave, but never sticks to his word. When he inevitably does this again, I’m tempted to drive off without him and let him find his own way home. What’s the solution?

—Married to a Lascivious Lush

A Key Feature of My Boyfriend’s Appearance Turns Me Off. He Refuses to Alter It. My Husband’s Infuriating Habit Sets a Terrible Example for Our Kids. I’ve Asked Them to Police Him. This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only The Family Wants Another “Reunion.” But I’m Still Burned From the Last Time. My Ex-Husband “Punished” Our 5-Year-Old for Discovering His Affair. I’m Livid.

Dear Married,

I can absolutely understand how this might be easier to frame as a problem related to your husband’s conduct at parties than a problem related to his relationship with alcohol. But I think it’s the latter, even though that feels even harder to manage and more overwhelming. Sit down by yourself and honestly take stock of the ways his drinking is impacting your life. Beyond the dirty jokes at family gatherings, when else is he drunk? What else does he do? OR not do? How does his personality change? What kinds of things can you no longer count on him to do? In what other ways is he inappropriate? I have a feeling there will be a lot there.

At this point, your answers to these questions are for you to reflect on, not for a confrontation with him. You’ve tried that. You’ve already learned that, at least right now, he can’t or won’t keep his promises to keep sober. So you have to figure out whether and how you can have the family parties—and life—you want.

Catch up on this week’s Prudie.

More Advice From Slate

My first marriage ended 20 years ago. I knew my husband was sleeping with someone else, but I never found out who. “Helen,” my friend and neighbor, made me coffee and held my hand when I broke down. She even helped me while she was pregnant, and I often referred to her sons as my “other nephews.” Recently I learned her younger son did an ancestry test and learned that Helen’s husband wasn’t his father and that he was first cousins with people still living in my former town. That’s the name of my former in-laws: My ex-husband was the father. My “nephew” ended up calling me to ask for the truth since Helen was stonewalling him and his father refused to deal with it.