Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Growing up, I was close to my cousins on my father’s side. There are six of us, with a six-year age span. We saw each other regularly and talked and exchanged letters even when we didn’t. The cousin to whom I’m closest in age and I also regularly spent time at our grandparents’ house, without our younger siblings.

Once we all entered early adulthood, we spread out across the country. My grandmother died 17 years ago. Her house, where everyone had gathered in the summer, was sold. Contact among the cousins was maintained through social media, infrequent emails, and the occasional text. Although some small attempts were made to arrange a reunion over the years, it never worked out. One cousin, “Bree,” wanted everyone to go to her (no reason was given other than that this was “convenient” for her), and only in the hottest month of the summer. I am not a heat person, so I repeatedly declined these invitations (she lives in one of the hottest areas of the country!). Most of my other cousins declined for similar reasons. Then people started to have kids, go to graduate school, and start careers. Now we range in age from mid-30s to early 40s. Over the last five years, life has started to stabilize for everyone. Those with kids no longer have babies or toddlers (and no new babies are on the horizon), most of us have stable jobs, and no one looks likely to start grad school or jump into a new career anytime soon.

Last year, we started to have a real discussion about a reunion. One cousin, “Jamie,” and I put a lot of time, energy, and work into planning it. We found a place everyone agreed to (not near Bree) and a time everyone but my sister agreed to (she was in the process of moving but was upfront about this with everyone), and we started to make arrangements. Bree complained twice, first about the cost to fly there, and second about how the house we’d picked wouldn’t work for her kids. We switched everything around to accommodate her (she is the only one of us with two kids).

Well, the whole thing fell apart. People hadn’t communicated clearly about the accommodations they or their partners would need; Bree claimed that she had to work even though she had been fine with the dates a month before. Jamie and I wound up on the hook for a few hundred dollars more than we had each budgeted for, since all the cancellations took place within a month of the date for which we’d made the reservation. The cousins who couldn’t come had already sent us money and then asked for it back since they would no longer be coming.

Now, here we are a year later, and there are texts again about wanting to do this. Once again we are talking about going to where another cousin, “Riley,” lives (Riley’s partner would need the most accommodations in order to travel), but where they live has a much higher cost of living than the place Jamie and I and our families went to last year, for our two-cousin reunion. And even though Bree is the one who is most vocal about how we should all get together, I feel like she’ll likely drop out again.

How can I make a real attempt at this reunion without being on the hook for all the money again and without doing all the work? I would love to see my cousins and for them to meet my teen (whom they only met as a 5-year-old!). I’d love to meet the other children in the family, too. But I can’t absorb a financial hit again, and traveling to where Riley lives is a lot more expensive than just about any other place we could go!

—It Was Easier When We Were Kids!

Dear Easier,

A Key Feature of My Boyfriend’s Appearance Turns Me Off. He Refuses to Alter It. My Husband’s Infuriating Habit Sets a Terrible Example for Our Kids. I’ve Asked Them to Police Him. My Roommate Just Admitted She Has Hated Me For a Year. Her Reason Is Nonsensical. This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only Help! My Sister Is a Disaster. But What My Mom Wants Me to Do About It Is Even Worse.

For starters, do not take on the planning of this one, and do not lay out the money again. Leave all that to someone else. (It seems to me only logical that if Riley has chosen the location, and that location is where Riley lives, Riley is the cousin who should be the point person this time.) I realize that you want to be the planner because you’re not happy about the location that’s been suggested, but I would let that go if I were you. I would also say, “Just let me know where and when and I’ll be there with bells on! Can’t wait to see everybody!” That is, if this is something you really want to do. Does the cost of living make that much difference if you’re going somewhere for just a few days? Plus, consider the payoff: It gives you a chance to meet a bunch of once-removed cousins you’ve never met, not to mention reunites you with five people you love and miss and gives all the second cousins—all the children of the cousins you grew up with—a chance to get to know each other and possibly form their own lifelong bonds.

Of course, if the place Riley lives in is Manhattan, and the place you and Jamie went to last year, after everyone else dropped out, was Manhattan, Kansas, I can understand if the sticker shock is too much for you. If so—and if a trip to NYC, San Francisco, or some other super-expensive place to visit is truly impossible for you because of the cost—then be honest about it. “I really want to go, I want you all to get to know my practically grown-up kid, and I want to meet all of your kids and for them to meet each other, and you know how much I love you all. But we can’t afford what you’re proposing. I wish we could. Anybody have any other ideas that might work?”

Just don’t offer to be that anyone.

—Michelle

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