Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister “Jasmine” recently got married. The wedding was held in the town Jasmine and I grew up in (where my family and I live). Jasmine and her fiancé, “Tyler,” arrived a few days beforehand. On the day before the wedding, they went with most of the family to the county fair. Tyler is hardcore MAGA and was making obnoxious comments about everything from women and LGBTQ+ people to the physical traits and appearance of random passersby. My 13-year-old daughter “Josie” was getting increasingly uncomfortable and angry.

Then Tyler spotted the old-school bumper cars ride and challenged Josie and the other older kids and her uncles to ride them, saying he would “kick everyone’s ass.” They accepted the challenge, and Josie proceeded to destroy him. She rammed him repeatedly until she had him pinned against a wall, and even then, she refused to let up—she kept him cornered until the cars shut down when the ride’s time limit expired. Tyler was clearly embarrassed, but that seemed to be the extent of the damage.

The next day, however, he could barely move. He had to down some maximum-strength Aleve to get through the ceremony. At the reception, he couldn’t dance with Jasmine, his neck and back hurt so much; they had to leave their own party early. And Tyler ended up spending their honeymoon in bed (not in a good way). He saw a doctor in the place where they were honeymooning, who told him he had a severe case of whiplash, prescribed pain medication, and told him to avoid strenuous activity for a month.

Now Tyler and Jasmine are furious at Josie, and, by extension, me. Jasmine called me and chewed me out during their honeymoon. She said they hold my daughter responsible for ruining both the wedding and the honeymoon and are demanding my husband and I pay for their wedding and honeymoon, plus Tyler’s out-of-pocket medical expenses! Jasmine went so far as to say that unless we agreed, we could forget about having them in our lives. I know that Josie did get aggressive, but these were BUMPER CARS! And not even the modern ones that don’t do all that much actual bumping. Tyler knew what he was getting into. (Besides, IT WAS HIS IDEA!) There’s no way my husband and I are paying for any of what Jasmine is demanding we pay for, and if she wants to make this her hill to die on, that’s fine with me. The only thing I’m worried about is Jasmine igniting a family feud, as she is my mother’s precious Golden Child. Any thoughts on how to prevent this?

—Bumper Car Blitzed BIL

Dear Bumper,

Well, it’s true: He asked for it. In every possible way, he asked for it. But it’s also pretty awful that your sister’s wedding and honeymoon were ruined, isn’t it? She’s your sister. Do you not love her and feel sorry for her at all? (Maybe not. “That’s fine with me,” in response to her threat to cut you out of her life, is pretty cold. Is it really “fine” or is that your outrage at her outsize request speaking?)

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If you do care about her, apologize on your child’s behalf. Feel free to tell her that Josie felt provoked because her now brand-new uncle said some pretty wretched things in her presence, but that you’re not a supporter of violent retribution for ugly speech (you’re not, are you?). Tell her that you’re going to make sure Josie knows that words are to be met with words, not physical retaliation (and then please do that, OK?)—but also how truly sorry you are that she didn’t have the wedding and honeymoon she’d hoped for. I don’t think you have to go so far as to tell her you’re sorry Tyler got hurt (I don’t think you are—and I do hate it when people apologize for things they’re not actually sorry about). So thread that needle carefully. I certainly don’t think you should pay for her wedding and/or honeymoon! (It would be a nice gesture to pay for the out-of-pocket medical expenses incurred, and it might well be enough to calm your sister down. But that’s not a hill I would die on.)

I would not insist that Josie apologize. Instead, talk with her about better ways to handle one’s rage. (I don’t want her to have to apologize for being enraged, which is what Tyler would want—and perhaps what Jasmine would want, too.)  But I think the kind, sisterly thing to do is to express your regret about the way things turned out.

Unless, of course, you’ve been looking for an excuse to cut your mother’s precious Golden Child out of your life. In that case, you needn’t do or say anything at all—other than have a talk with the bumper car warrior. (As to preventing a family feud: That’s not within your control. If your parents and others in the family are inclined to jump into the middle of this, there’s not a thing you can do about it. I hope sanity prevails.)

—Michelle

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