Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

I would never cut off my family, and I don’t think of them as “toxic” or any of those buzzwords, but we aren’t close. We talk on holidays and they attended my wedding celebration, but we don’t really know each other. My parents focused on my brother growing up, and I was just kind of also there. When I was 15, my brother had some more intense issues and my parents moved out of state to give him a fresh start. My best friend’s parents offered to take me in so I could finish high school in my hometown. It was the best thing anyone could have possibly done for me. They parented me in a way I’d never experienced and, although I was difficult, they were patient. I thrived with them. I went on to get an apprenticeship, build a small business, and marry a wonderful man. We co-own a duplex with my best friend and her spouse, and are close with his family and hers. We plan to raise kids together. I feel like my family is here, and complete. But then my beloved brother changed everything.

Completely unexpectedly to me, my brother sharply cut off our parents this winter. I have no idea why. They’re responding by pouring all that energy and money my way for the first time in my life. It’s very weird and uncomfortable, and I don’t know how to get them to stop. I’ve been dodging their calls and texts, but they’ve escalated to mailing gifts, and pushing for a visit. How do I politely shut them down and keep our normal level of contact?

—I Barely Know Them

Dear Barely Know,

Hear me out: Is there any part of you that wants to explore what a closer relationship with your parents might look like? It sounds like they were disappointing and emotionally neglectful, but fell short of being mean or abusive, at least in your eyes. I’m not reading that you strongly dislike them. How do you feel when you think about the possibility of getting to know them, eventually letting them know how hurt you’ve been by their choices, and potentially forgiving them and charting a different course for the next part of your lives?

I’m suggesting this in part because you have created your own family, and I know that you’ll be OK if your mom and dad disappoint you yet again. Would you consider a letter or phone call that might open the door to reconnecting? If not, that’s fair! They haven’t offered an apology, and there’s always the risk that they could abandon you again if and when they reconnect with your brother. If you want to keep them at arm’s length, here are two ways you might go about it:

1) The nonconfrontational option: Silence notifications for their calls and texts and only respond as frequently as you would have in the past. Say “My schedule is really busy so I can’t commit to a visit, and I’m not sure when I will be able to.”

2) The confrontational option: “Hey Mom and Dad, I’m noticing that ever since you had a falling out with my brother, you’ve been reaching out to me and wanting to visit a lot more. I have to admit it feels strange to me, since we haven’t been close since you moved when I was in high school. It took a lot to create a life where I have a lot of love and support from others and I’m happy with the way things are. So I don’t think I’ll be up for a visit or much more contact than we’ve had in recent years.”

And remember, if you do decide—now or later—that you’re open to more from them, that doesn’t have to mean fully welcoming them into your life, accepting all their gifts, and taking every phone call. If they are offering to show up more, you can set the terms of the relationship, so it might be worth thinking about whether there’s anything you would like from them. Then ask for it! You don’t have much to lose.

Dear Prudence,

A childhood friend of mine is getting married for the second time, this summer. While we don’t see each other often, we do still get together maybe four times a year, and we keep in touch by text now and then. We’re not close, but still fond of each other, if that makes sense. For wedding #2, I’m reluctant to buy a gift. My friend ended up garage-selling many of her wedding gifts a few years into her first marriage. She’s not a sentimental person when it comes to material things, and I don’t know what she needs or wants now. I’d like to write a cheque for $100 (it’s what I can afford), and put it in a nice card. Is that ok?

—Not Trying to Be Tacky

Dear Not Trying,

If she’s registered, it would be better to buy something you can afford from the registry. I assume she’s not, since you said you don’t know what she wants. So a check in a card would be fine. What you can afford is between you and your bank account, but I detected the tiniest hint of judgment around this being her second marriage, so I just want to make sure that you are giving what you can afford, and not decreasing the amount to penalize her for getting divorce and then trying again. If you are happy enough for her that you want to attend, you should be happy enough for her to give as generously as you would for a first wedding.

Dear Prudence,

This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only My Son And His Cousin Look Exactly Alike. My Wife Can Never Know Why. I Had an Orgasm in the Most Embarrassing Place Possible. Now I’m Confused—and Curious. This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only Help! My Parents Basically Ignored Me as a Kid. I Can’t Believe What They’re Asking for Now. One Day My Kids Will Have to Learn About Our Family Scandal. I’m Afraid It’ll Teach Them the Wrong Lesson.

I am very concerned about the 8-year-old son of my son’s new girlfriend, “Jay.” I am a retired teacher and have only met Jay about a dozen times. His mother claims Jay is a genius and started reading at 3, but his school doesn’t “understand” him. Well, the truth is that Jay always has his nose in a book, but has zero comprehension about what the book is about. I am not talking about understanding themes, but who the characters are and what actions they taken. When I ask him questions about his books, Jay gets panicked and starts to cry. Every single time. His mother gets mad and accuses me of trying to interrogate her son. I am asking him who the friends of the main character are. He doesn’t know. I have brought up the subject to my son, who tells me to leave it alone and that his girlfriend has it well in hand. I would back off but they are talking marriage after dating less than six months. If I am going to be a step-grandma, don’t I have an obligation to press forward?

—Reading in Reedville

Dear Reading,

Please, please stop drilling this child and making him cry. What are you hoping to accomplish? If you prove that he can’t read, what do you plan to do with this information? You are a random woman (not even close to being a step-grandparent at this point) harassing a kid about something that is absolutely none of your business, probably giving him more anxiety that is making it even harder to learn. Even if you were his actual grandparent, the way forward would be to have one respectful conversation with his parents about your observations and leave it at that. The worst-case scenario here is that you are right, and Jay needs remedial phonics and reading comprehension tutoring. I promise you someone else will notice. There are people who are paid to do so and they are his teachers. If his mom isn’t listening to them, she’s definitely not going to listen to you.

Catch up on this week’s Prudie.

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