Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I started dating three years ago and got married earlier this year. It’s a second marriage for each of us. Both of us had been divorced for several years when we met. I don’t have children; my husband has three kids, all of whom were teenagers when we started dating. The oldest was in college when my husband and I got together, so I have spent the least time with him. The kids are old enough that I don’t try to “mom” them, but I have tried to be a warm and supportive presence. All three of them attended our tiny destination wedding, and all of them seemed happy to be there and happy for us.

All of the kids live primarily with their mother when they are not at college. I have never met her, and she is not open to it—she has refused opportunities to interact with me and only communicates with my husband by email when necessary. I’d like a more cordial relationship, but that would take buy-in from everyone, and she has made clear she isn’t having it.

The oldest is graduating from college. I told my husband that I didn’t need to be there if tickets were limited or if it would make things uncomfortable for his child to have both me and his mother there. Tickets are not limited, but I am not invited. That hurt! More than I expected. I’m going to skip graduation because I made the offer. But I worry I’m setting a bad precedent for future events. I don’t want to put my husband in the position of having to choose whether to attend events involving the kids without me or to refuse to attend if I’m not invited too. I don’t want to make the kids feel like they have to choose between their mother’s feelings and mine. But I also don’t want to spend the next 40 years of family events pretending I don’t exist! How should I handle this when the next graduation rolls around?

—(Not the) Wicked Stepmother

Dear Not the Wicked Stepmother,

This does hurt! I applaud you for noticing that you didn’t really mean what you said, but taking responsibility for the fact that you said it, and not insisting on being invited.

Don’t wait until the planning for the next event is underway to address this. After the graduation dust has settled, reach out to the stepkid who’s up next. I want you to speak directly to them instead of sending a message through your husband, so that nothing is lost in translation, and they can hear your sincerity about this directly. Also, it will be harder to say, “Ugh, no!” to you directly than it would be to say it to him.

Try something like this: “I offered to skip your brother’s graduation because I didn’t want to put him in a difficult position, but I have to admit I ended up wishing I could have been there. You’re really important to me, and I would love to be there to celebrate you when you graduate. I know the family situation is tricky, but I was wondering if you’d be open to that and, if so, if you had any ideas about how I could make it as easy and low-stress as possible on both you and your mom.”

I don’t know what you’ll hear in response. It could be anything from, “Sure” to, “Of course! I just won’t seat the two of you next to each other because she’ll get mad” to, “Sorry, you seem nice but I really don’t know you and I’m not willing to cause tension with my mom by inviting you.” You can have a similar conversation with your other stepkids about future events.

If you learn that they aren’t comfortable having you around, that will be hard to hear, but it will be good information to take back to your husband, and the two of you will use it to make a plan. Aside from weddings and graduations (which will make up at most five days out of the next 40 years!), the events in an adult’s life typically don’t require tickets or invitations. So from now on, the two of you can offer, as a unit, to celebrate the kids. Let’s say one of them has a 30th birthday. Instead of insisting on an invitation to a party that your husband and his ex both attend, you and your husband can be proactive by saying, “We would love to take you and your sister and brother for dinner (or on vacation, or whatever) for your birthday.” That way, you’re automatically invited because you created the celebration.

If you feel weird about reaching out to your stepkids to have the conversation I suggested above, that’s important information, too! You should ask yourself whether your pleasant relationship is actually close enough that you need to be in the room for their big celebrations. If it isn’t, that’s not necessarily your fault. After all, it sounds like they’re much closer to their mom than their dad, so it stands to reason that his wife, whom they have never really lived with and don’t speak to regularly, wouldn’t be a main character in their lives. Maybe that’s OK. Do some serious thinking about whether you want to be present because these milestone events are so meaningful to you, or just because you think it “looks bad” for you to be excluded.

You might find some relief in lowering your expectations for your blended family. There are no rules about what it has to look like. You can celebrate that you have no major conflicts with your husband’s ex or kids, and accept that these are people who met you when they were almost adults and were likely carrying a lot of pain about the divorce, as well as loyalty to their mother. You could choose to see their decisions about invitations to events as a reflection of the tough road they’ve had to travel rather than statements about your belonging or worth. And if you’re not included on some days, you could use that time to nurture your relationship with someone else in your life (a niece or nephew? A friend?), doing something to deepen a connection that’s based on real, mutual affection rather than a forced relationship.

Dear Prudence, 

My 98-year-old great-grandfather moved in with me and my husband last year. I’ve come to dread each morning as I am terrified he didn’t survive the night, since he is very frail. Is there some way to check on his health without worrying him?

—Scared Each Sunrise

Dear Scared Each Sunrise,

I’ve heard of people using smart watches for this purpose, and that might give you some peace of mind. I say “might” because even if you aren’t wondering if your great-grandfather is dead or alive as you enter his room each morning, you’ll still have the anxiety that comes with knowing that he’s of an age when health could decline—and yes, his life could end—any day. It’s absolutely understandable that the prospect of losing him is scary. But I wonder if there are things you could do to give yourself (and him!) some peace of mind.

Would your sense of terror decrease if you knew that he had made an end-of-life plan? Talk to him about this (with support from other family members if needed—I know it’s not an easy conversation). Knowing his wishes for care if he becomes extremely ill, and for a funeral or memorial, might help you feel prepared. Beyond the practical stuff, offer him some opportunities to reflect on his life. Ask him questions. Write down his responses. Inquire about how he’s feeling and whether he has any advice he wants to share, or people he’d like to see or speak to. Say everything you want to say to him. Find out if there’s anything that would make him particularly happy in this stage of his life. Maybe he wants to eat ice cream every day, go to the beach or a baseball game, or have you set him up with a way to easily play the music he enjoyed when he was in his prime. If you are up to it, you can even discuss with him how he’s feeling about his mortality and seek help for him if he’s anxious or depressed. I’m hopeful that if you begin to feel more peaceful about his experience during this time with you and confident that you’re doing everything you can to make sure he is OK while he’s living, you might have less fear about his death.

Prudie Wants to Hear From You!

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us!

Dear Prudence,

We just moved and have a pool in our new house. This has proven very popular with the locals, and our teens have made a lot of friends.

The problem is that our daughter’s best friend, “Analise,” is the de facto live-in babysitter for her step- and much younger half-siblings. She can’t come over without the younger kids, and I refuse to turn my house into a daycare.

Analise’s parents are not really responsible and have often done things like expect my family to feed all five kids because they can’t be bothered to be on time, pick up the phone, or send the kids with pocket money. My daughter is very upset that we said that Analise can’t come over as frequently as her brother’s friends. I love my daughter, and I feel for Analise, but I can’t think of another solution. Can you?

—Not a Daycare

Dear Not a Daycare,

This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only My Sister Is Demanding That I Refund Her for Her Wedding Because of What My Daughter Did to “Ruin” It My Neighbor’s Kids Are “Homeschooled.” Uh, I’m Not So Sure That’s Even True. My Husband Thinks He Has the Perfect “Solution” for Our Twins’ Request. It’ll Create Chaos in Our Home. The Day Care Next Door Treats My Driveway Like a Drop-Off Zone. I’m Done Being Understanding.

You’re setting a reasonable limit. But you should communicate it to your daughter in clear terms, paired with information about what she can look forward to now that Analise won’t be coming and going freely anymore. Don’t just say, “Analise can’t visit us as much.” Say something like, “We can have Analise and her siblings over once a month/when dad and I are both home, and I hire a babysitter to help/when we have a coupon for four pizzas for the price of one.”

Then, plan something special for the rare times Analise is able to come over alone. Even if it’s several weeks from now, identify a day when she can visit for a sleepover (maybe arriving after the younger kids have begun their bedtime routine, hopefully supervised by their parents!) and make a whole agenda about what the girls will eat, drink, watch, and do for fun. Looking forward to something like a nighttime swim, followed by gel manicures, face masks, and making friendship bracelets (I don’t know if these are 13 or 17-year-olds, but you get the idea—adjust accordingly) could feel a lot better than just missing her old routine with her friend.

Classic Prudie

Four years ago, a drunk driver hit our family car and killed our son. My then-husband and I survived but were torn apart by the loss. We still care a lot about each other but couldn’t be married anymore. I’ve been divorced for two years and although I think about my son often, I feel like I’m in a more stable place with the grief, and the small rituals that let me honor him…

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