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Dear Prudence, 

My brother has not gotten over his ex-wife, even though they divorced five years ago. Other than him not living in the marital home, nothing has changed. He goes on vacation with his ex and their kids, to the zoo and museums, and often comes over for dinner. And he pays for everything. He takes the kids while his ex goes out and has fun with her many boyfriends. He claims he is doing it “for the kids,” when it is obvious to anyone with eyes that he wants to play family with his ex.

This enmeshment has led to him having a serious string of failed relationships. The last breakup left him very confused and bitter because he was talking about moving in with and getting married to her. Except, on the weekend of her birthday, he sprang on her that his ex was joining them on their trip to the lake with the kids. His ex let herself into the apartment while his girlfriend went on a jog. His girlfriend broke up with him. My brother has gone on and on about how he couldn’t understand why she broke up with him. My brother asked my opinion, and I told him I would give it to him if he really wanted, but that he wouldn’t like it. He told me to go ahead. I told him he didn’t have any business dating because he still acted like he was married, and any sane woman wouldn’t stand for being fourth or fifth in his list of priorities.

He tried to argue with me, and I pointed out that in college, he dumped his girlfriend over a similar issue—her ex was hanging around all the time. He didn’t have anything to say to that and just got up and left the room. Since then, he has been ignoring my calls, and I’m wondering whether I should let it go or not. I love my brother. I want him to be happy, but these past few years have made me lose a lot of respect for him. His ex walks over him, and he simply asks if she wants to wipe her feet again.

—Brother to a Doormat

Dear Brother to a Doormat,

Normally, in this situation, I would encourage you to keep your opinion to yourself. But your brother asked for it! And then confirmed that he really wanted it! So you were right to take the opportunity to speak up.

Now, do I think you could have framed your perspective a little more gently? I do. While he didn’t place these limits on it, in general, a request for an opinion or advice is best taken as a green light for one statement, not an open invitation to debate. So I would have suggested limiting your feedback to the breakup he asked about and stopping short of weighing in on his chance of a successful relationship with “any sane woman” in the entire world. Something like, “You have your reasons for remaining close to your ex, but I do think it was reasonable for her to decide she didn’t want to date someone in that kind of situation, and a lot of people would feel the same. Either way, I know this really hurts.” Then if he pushed back and said, “No! She was jealous and unfair,” you could have just said, “Yeah, I know it feels really unfair.”

To be clear, you didn’t do anything terribly wrong, and you were right when it came to your brother’s hypocrisy. You just handled the conversation with a not-super-reasonable person in a way that led to him shutting down.

We learned two things here: 1) He doesn’t actually want your opinion, and 2) being overly invested in his choices is just going to irritate you. So try to think of it this way: Your brother wants to remain enmeshed with his ex because it feels necessary to him right now, and he’s choosing that over freeing himself up for another relationship. That’s OK, even if it means he experiences some pain and frustration. Maybe it’s the price he’s willing to pay for the life he wants or what he feels he can handle at the moment, or perhaps it will ultimately lead to enough breakups or other problems for him that one day, he decides to change.

Remember to keep things in perspective: Most of us aren’t making the best possible choices in every area of our lives, all the time. If you can think of somewhere where you fall a little short—like saving for retirement, getting enough sleep, or returning texts and phone calls— it might be easier to remember that screwing up in ways big and small is part of being human. I suggest that because it’s probably best for you to get to a place where you can think about what your brother is doing, and not want to scream or start contemplating how unworthy of respect he is. Try to get there before you push for contact with him.

Then, send this text: “I just want to say I think I was a little too harsh when we talked about your breakup. Your dating life is your business, and I don’t want this to come between us. I really do just want you to be happy. I apologize. Can you call me sometime?”

Dear Prudence,

Three months ago, my parents divorced after 34 years of marriage. My mother has since promptly gone man-crazy. She has a new guy in her life on a near-daily basis in my childhood home. What can I do to impress upon her that this is not how a respectable mother and grandmother is supposed to behave?

—Disgusted Daughter

Dear Disgusted Daughter,

Put aside your notions of respectability. Dating is fine at any age. Dating casually is fine for any age. Instead, try to think about what your actual concerns are here. If your mother is truly bringing a man home almost every day, it would be reasonable to worry about her physical safety. There’s always a risk with dating, but especially if she’s letting a lot of strangers into her home. Is there anything you could do to address this? Maybe you could suggest she invest in a Ring camera that you could have access to? Perhaps you two can agree to text each other at a particular time every day to make sure she’s safe?

Or maybe you’re concerned that this post-divorce dating marathon is a way of coping with loneliness or unaddressed feelings about her split with your dad. I always hesitate to push people into therapy with the message that they’re doing something wrong, so I don’t think you should tell her to go talk to someone. But if you suspect she could use more company or emotional support, why not rally some friends and loved ones to get in touch with her and set up regular times to hang out? That means you, too.

Don’t let your calls and visits with her turn into experiences that make her feel ashamed, unworthy, or disrespected. Try to fill some of the gaps left by her marriage. Who knows, if you prioritize spending some time with her, maybe you’ll begin to understand what’s behind her newfound, flourishing dating life.

Prudie Wants to Hear From You!

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us!

Dear Prudence,

My husband’s father has always had a case of self-importance. He has many stories about how people with “low emotional intelligence” have done him wrong. My husband’s relationship with him has never been exceptionally close, but he says he was a good father and was always there for important events. For the 15 years I have known his father, I have rolled along with a similar cordial type of relationship. Two years ago, that changed.

My husband and I hosted a large Thanksgiving with both sides of the family and our friends. Dinner was wonderful. After dinner and drinks, he and his wife were discussing how much he loves a book that had recently been made into a movie, and then he insisted that I would love it, too. I said I didn’t believe it was my cup of tea. He became personally offended and said that I had a fundamental misunderstanding of the book (I don’t).

Later that night, we were by the door saying goodnight. I was directly across from my father-in-law in a tight space, with my husband immediately to my left. My father-in-law put both hands on my shoulders and pulled me toward him to kiss me on the lips (he has never done this to me before). I turned my cheek to avoid lips-on-lips. He pushed me back, made sure I gave him eye contact, and then said, “No, no, on the lips.” He pulled me to him and put his wet lips on mine. My husband was standing there watching this happen, and in shock, neither of us said anything.

A week later, my father-in-law emailed my husband about how wonderful Thanksgiving was, but that I was a damper on the evening. My husband wrote back saying that from here forward, he is not to physically touch me ever again. My father-in-law took major offense at this and emailed multiple family members seeking validation on how awful we are. Come to find out, I am not the only woman in the family that he has touched inappropriately! But there is a family history of people biting their tongues when it comes to him, and I think everyone wishes this would just go away. To this day, he continues to accuse me of lying and my husband of being ungrateful.

Help! I Want to Carry on a Sweet Family Tradition. But My Sister-in-Law Says It’s Unhealthy. My Husband Pushed Us to Live Closer to His Family. Now He’s Complaining About the One Thing I Ask for in Return. My Sister Squandered Her Entire Inheritance. Now She’s Chipping Away at Mine. I Was Not Expecting My Husband’s Naughty Surprise. Now I Want Revenge.

There is no pinning him down on the truth. He refuses to try to understand our perspective. I have been supportive of my husband’s attempts to preserve some type of relationship with his dad. But if he will not acknowledge that his physical interaction with me has to change, I don’t want anything to do with him. The same goes for our kids, two boys aged 8 and 10. I’ve had multiple conversations with our kids on consent because of this. I’m holding the line. Please tell me I’m not off base!

—80 and Drunk is Not an Excuse

Dear Not an Excuse,

You’re not at all off base. Not in the least. The only thing I suggest here is a change of mindset. Stop trying to get your father-in-law to understand your perspective or acknowledge his wrongdoings. It’s a waste of your energy, gives him too much power, and will just leave you frustrated. Interact with him based on the way he’s behaved, which is gross and manipulative. Your husband’s relationship with him can be whatever it is when the two of them are together, but you and your boys won’t be in the room.

Classic Prudie

My husband’s career has been going wonderfully for the past four years, and we have become financially independent, to the point where we could be a single-income family and have plenty of money to spare. We own our home, take vacations, and he essentially makes a lot more money than I do. Most of the wives of my husband’s colleagues are stay-at-home moms, and by seeing how they live, I’ve become convinced I also want to be a stay-at-home wife and not have to work.

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