Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

After we had our son, my husband and I planned to be one and done. My pregnancy had been medically complicated, and I grew to love the idea of dedicating my parenting energy to just one child while still having some room for an adult life. I thought our families and friends understood and supported this. But then, six months ago, I got unexpectedly pregnant, and I learned that everyone had just been biting their tongues. Our families said, “Oh, thank god, all kids need siblings,” or “We got so sad, thinking of Matthew having to deal with eldercare alone someday.” And then, at 13 weeks, we learned the pregnancy was not viable, and I was forced to terminate it. We have decided to take measures to prevent any future pregnancies, but now I can’t get everyone’s voices out of my head. It’s made me realize that our loved ones don’t approve of our family structure, and it’s made me worry that the structure I’d embraced is actually terrible for my kid. How do I move past this and feel OK again?

—One and Done and Stressed

Dear One,

Banishing other people’s voices from our heads isn’t easy. It’s especially hard (some might say it’s only hard) when those voices are telling us something we secretly believe or are insecure and anxious about. When you don’t trust yourself, you take to heart the judgment of others. It is also the case that if you can’t bring yourself to firmly let people know that their opinions of your choices aren’t welcome, they will continue to offer them. So you have three separate problems to solve here.

One is that you think your friends and family might be right. I can assure you that they’re not. Families can be complete with any number of (or no) children. Only children are not doomed to a miserable, lonely life. A child does not need siblings. (If you read this column, even only occasionally, you’ll have plenty of evidence that not everyone loves or even likes their siblings.) There is no guarantee that siblings will be bonded and enrich each other’s lives. As to the “eldercare” issue: Not only does this worry presuppose that Matthew will grow up to be all alone himself, without a spouse or children of his own—or friends—to help and support him, it also assumes that when parents have multiple children, they will all pitch in equally to care for their parents as they age. This is rarely the case. (In fact, in my experience, there is rarely more than one adult child who takes this on. And it’s usually a daughter. So maybe these loving family members meant: “You’d better give him a sister, so you’ll have someone to take care of you when you can’t take care of yourself.” Ugh.)

Problem number two: You need to learn to set boundaries. It’s never too late to begin asserting yourself. All your friends and family members ought to have said when you told them about your second pregnancy was, “Congratulations!” or perhaps, “Can’t wait to meet this kid!” Anything other than that was out of line. (It’s not as if you asked them for their opinion about your pregnancy, right?) So when someone says—as they are bound to, if they don’t know about the measures you have taken to prevent another pregnancy (and you didn’t make it clear to them that their commentary was unwelcome before)—“So, when are you going to try again?” or, “Don’t wait too long to try again!”, or, “Are you going to try again?” let them know that this is not a topic you’re willing to discuss with them. Say so outright if you can bring yourself to. If you can’t, then (baby steps—no pun intended) make it clear in other ways: Change the subject, fall silent and give them the death stare, or say, “Goodness, that’s a personal question!” And if someone who does know you’ve made sure you won’t get pregnant again says anything about that (asks you to justify your decision, asserts that you’ll be sorry, or challenges/judges you in any other way), please tell them that this is a matter between you and your husband and no one else. Say it as icily as you can.

Problem number three is that the people in your life feel emboldened to tell you how to live. That’s unfortunate. I’d like to believe that they made the remarks they did because they didn’t know what else to say when you announced a pregnancy after telling everyone you didn’t want another child. Perhaps they thought they were being helpful and supportive. (I like assuming the best of people’s motivations.) But whether they are a bunch of buttinskies or well-meaning people who stuck their collective foot in it, you need to remind yourself that this really is nobody’s business but your own.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My mother-in-law, “Bonnie,” is great. I truly feel like I won the jackpot. Bonnie is kind, caring, and thoughtful. She loves giving gifts and performing acts of service. She makes an effort to remember people’s names and pays attention to things they tell her about themselves. (She is the sort of person who asks the servers at restaurants their names and where they’re from.) That said, she tends to hear what she wants to hear and to turn even the most neutral things into negative ones.

An example: Recently, she and my father-in-law, “James,” visited from the other side of the large state we live in. The plan was that they would stop at our house—five hours from theirs—on their way to Bonnie’s sister’s home, one state over. Bonnie wanted to bring a full beef roast dinner with sides for us all to have for dinner. We told her we didn’t have room in our fridge for her to bring all this food, but she kept insisting. James suggested that, instead, we eat dinner at a restaurant in the town near our house. This didn’t seem like a great option to me either, as we live so far from the nearest town that our evening would end up being very late, so I offered to make dinner at home, and that seemed to satisfy everyone.

Then, the day of the visit, I got a call from Bonnie saying she and James were planning on stopping to pick up food at an out-of-the-way restaurant. It seemed like such a hassle to go grab food we had nowhere to store until dinnertime. I reminded her that we didn’t have room in our fridge for any more food, and that I was going to make dinner. When they arrived, Bonnie made numerous comments about us not letting her bring food. She mentioned that I “hated” the restaurant she’d wanted to stop at, and that she knows “everyone despises” her “choices when it comes to food.” Somehow, my offer to make dinner had turned into a personal slight against her, her tastes and preferences, maybe even her lifestyle choices. My husband, “Wade,” has learned to challenge her on these narratives, so this time he said, patiently, “We don’t hate that restaurant,” and, “We just don’t have any room in the fridge, since we did a big grocery shop on Monday.” His dad, James, will chime in too. But they both get steamrolled. She ends up telling us we obviously don’t love her or even that we hate her—that’s how worked up she gets over these imaginary slights. Bonnie and James ended up leaving early, going straight on to Bonnie’s sister’s, before I could even start dinner. And then later that night Wade got a text from his aunt asking why he and I were so “hateful” toward Bonnie!

I’m in therapy for anxiety, and this sort of conflict with Bonnie is a much-discussed topic in my sessions. I always feel like I must have done something wrong if Bonnie is misunderstanding me to this degree. Please help me navigate how to communicate with her.

—No, Really, the Fridge is Overflowing

Dear No, Really,

If your therapist hasn’t been able to help you navigate communication with your mother-in-law, I honestly don’t see how I could. Presumably, the therapist knows a lot more about you, Bonnie, and the strange dynamic between the two of you than I do (not to mention that, also presumably, the therapist has a license to practice therapy and the education and training that preceded it). But I will say this: Something is very, very wrong.

My In-Laws Are Keeping a Life-Altering Secret From My Niece. She’s Catching On to the Truth. I’ve Been Spending a Lot of Time With a Younger Man at Work. What My Husband Doesn’t Know Won’t Hurt Him. This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only Help! My Late Husband’s Very Nice Family Won’t Leave Me the Hell Alone. Can I Break Ties? My Daughter Has Tracked Me Down. But I Can’t Give Her What She Wants From Me.

I’m utterly willing to accept that Bonnie is the problem (she sounds like a piece of work). But your insistence (to yourself) that you “hit the jackpot” with this particular mother-in-law suggests that there is a disconnect between your lived experience of her and what you are telling yourself (and, you know, me) about it. Bonnie sounds like a woman who needs help. Since you can’t make her get help (no one can force anyone to get help), it seems to me you have very few options.

What you can do is put your foot down: You won’t tolerate this nonsense anymore. Don’t let her talk to you (or about you) this way. If she starts in, refuse to engage. And your husband can do a lot better than simply repeating what has already been said. He can refuse to allow her to indulge in her theatrics in his—and your—presence. I’m not hopeful about this, I admit, but it’s possible that if the two of you stop engaging/explaining, and your father-in-law follows suit, she will have no recourse but to seek help. I’m sorry not to be able to give you the answer you were hoping for. But I’m not sure finding a new way to communicate that currently eludes you will be the way to navigate through such choppy waters.

—Michelle

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