A couple who acted as aunt and uncle to their friends' children since birth are now facing communication issues with the now-adult children. The children frequently disappear from contact but reappear when needing help with networking and advice. The couple feels unappreciated and seeks guidance on how to improve the relationship.
The advice given focuses on shifting the dynamic from a transactional one to a genuine connection. Instead of focusing on better communication, the couple is urged to actively cultivate a closer relationship with the young adults by inviting them to dinner, engaging in meaningful conversations, and scheduling calls to show genuine interest in their lives. The advice suggests that this will lead to more reciprocal communication and appreciation. If the young adults aren't receptive, the couple is advised to accept this and adjust their expectations. The suggestion is that they may develop a more mature and appreciative relationship as they get older.
The article also includes a brief excerpt discussing the appropriateness of telling children they can 'be anything they want' and addresses that reality may be different. It questions the efficacy of such a statement for older children, versus its affirmation for younger ones.
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Q. Low Balance in the GoodWill Account: My partner and I have been essentially aunt and uncle to the two children of friends since their birth, and they are now young adults making their way in the world.
One of them has a habit of dropping off communications radar—not responding to texts or messages—for fairly long periods of time, but popping up when they need advice, or a contact, or something from us. Those bits of advice or networking tips are sometimes used and sometimes not, occasionally leading to situations where professional contacts are asking, “Hey, you said Kevin was going to contact me about a job opportunity?” And our only response can be, “We gave him your contact info.”
We don’t expect daily updates or in-depth, constant conversations, but if we share news from our lives or something funny we saw online, a laughing emoji or a “Congratulations! That’s great!” in response. Are we expecting too much?
A: Pull back on the networking help for now and put more energy into developing a real connection with the people they are as adults. So the goal should not be to get them to send meatier texts, but to actually get to know them better. If you live in the same place, tell them you want to take them to dinner and hear about their lives. Ask them about their friends, their relationships, what they think about topics in the headlines, and how things are going at work. And then ask follow-up questions. If you don’t live close to each other, make a FaceTime or Zoom date with an explicit purpose: “We miss you and we want to hear all about what you have going on.”
Slate Crossword: “Renaissance” Woman, to Fans (Three Letters)The idea here is to develop a grown-up relationship with them, which will be different from the one you had when they were children. If you get a real sense of who they are, what they care about, and what they want out of their careers, and establish yourself as nonjudgmental and supportive people to open up to, you’ll be much more likely to have deeper interactions. Also, you’ll be able to be more helpful and sincere when it comes to putting them in touch with professional contacts. If they decline to meet up with you, you can take it as a sign that they’re in a self-absorbed period of life, try not to take it personally, and adjust your expectations. Stay open to the possibility that when they’re slightly-less-young adults, they’ll be better about showing their appreciation for you—and the grace you showed when they were going through a flaky phase.
More Advice From Slate
What should an adult say to a child who wants to be a ballerina, astronaut, movie star, or professional athlete? “You can be anything you want” is the standard reply, but the reality is that, no, you probably won’t be the next Beyoncé. For a little kid (like a 5-year-old), saying “You can be anything you want” is affirming, but what about a 14-year-old?
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