Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

My husband and I have a 10-year-old daughter “Zoe,” and a 3-year-old son, “Kenny.” Recently, Zoe was finishing up a diorama project that she had been working on for her school’s science fair. When she left her room to use the bathroom, Kenny came in and took it apart to play with. Zoe was beside herself at having nearly a week’s worth of work ruined. Now she says she wants a lock for her bedroom door. Ordinarily I wouldn’t agree, but the sense of violation she feels over this is fairly intense, and I can see a point since Kenny is still very young—not to mention Zoe is going to be a teenager in the near future where privacy is paramount. My husband disagrees and says putting a lock on the door represents a safety risk in that if something happened to Zoe or there were an emergency like a fire, we might not be able to reach her in time. I have said that as long as we have a key to her room for emergencies, this isn’t a problem, but he is still against it. What is the solution here?

—Security Breach

Dear Breach, 

I understand your husband’s point of view. But I’m also in the throes of raising a kindergartener who isn’t the best example of respecting others’ personal space and belongings, so I identify with your daughter, too. If it were me, I’d probably allow the lock with a few caveats:

1. The key is available right next to the door but out of Kenny’s reach. In my imagination, it’s taped on top of the doorframe so that it’s right there if there were an emergency.

2. A spare key is kept elsewhere in the house, known only to you and your wife, in case Zoe were to ever mess with the key mentioned in #1. (She can have privacy from her brother, but not total privacy from you.)

3. Ground rules that you can still enter the room whenever you want.

4. Ground rules for when the door is not to be locked.

5. The possibility of removing the lock when Kenny becomes less of a chaos agent or when Zoe reaches a certain age or milestone. (Perhaps important when she starts dating, or gains greater general independence.)

Ultimately, though, if your husband isn’t comfortable with the lock, I think you need to respect that feeling. Maybe you two and Zoe can brainstorm other ways for her to have increased privacy and security from curious little hands. A locked cabinet or high shelf might be some alternatives worth exploring.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

My 3-year-old son “Desmond” has a habit of grabbing his crotch when he’s having a conversation with people. Most just ignore it, but I can tell some get a little grossed out by the uncomfortable looks on their faces. Punishing him seems a little too harsh since he seems to be doing it absentmindedly. How can I correct this behavior before Desmond gets older and it really becomes an issue?

—That’s Not What We Do in Public

Dear Public, 

I’m not sure if it will make you feel better or worse to tell you that back in the day when I taught toddler-caregiver classes, one of my regulars was a boy who did this same behavior, and I still remember his name and his mom’s face. At the time, I knew it was normal, but it still felt weird to me as a witness to it. All that to say, I’m glad you personally seem to accept that this is just a part of childhood, and I think it’s good that you’re being realistic about how he needs to learn how to curb this in certain times and places.

You already have the first step down, it seems: Controlling your own reactions so that Desmond never feels ashamed about this kind of everyday body stuff. Well done! Now you can work on social norms. Even though Desmond is young, it’s a good time to start talking about keeping our hands off our private parts. Explain to him why some places are appropriate for some behaviors, and some aren’t. You’ll also want to come up with a way to interrupt the behavior when you see it. You can simply say something like “hands” for right now. When he gets older, if he’s still in this habit, you might want to use a more coded word so that it doesn’t draw attention and embarrass him.

As you note, Desmond is most-likely doing this behavior absentmindedly, which means punishing would be inappropriate. (Reserve the punishments for outright misbehavior and consequential mistakes.) You said he does this while talking to others; I wonder if it’s connected to him recalling details of a story, or in situations where he might be feeling shy, in which case trying to fully extinguish the habit might be hard for him to do. I would brainstorm other things he can do with his hands in those situations. Intertwining his fingers, squeezing palms or even using a fidget might be some options to explore. That way, when you give him the code word, he has something to redirect himself towards.

Finally, breaking habits is always easier with consistency, so share both the codeword and the redirect option with his teacher so that they can help reinforce them when Desmond is at school. Good luck!

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Dear Care and Feeding, 

My dad was just put in hospice, and I want to prepare my kids (7, 4, 1) for what’s coming. My parents live next door so we’re all very close. When he passes, should the kids still go to school/daycare? I have no idea how I’m going to handle it, and my priority will be helping my mom. My husband is amazing and said he’ll back whatever I decide, but he has no idea what to do, either.

I don’t even know what else I’m not thinking of to ask.  Any advice/books/plans you can suggest?

—What are the Stages of Grief Again?

Dear Grief, 

I’m so sorry to read about this situation. We just talked about this topic on the Care and Feeding podcast a couple weeks ago, so you might want to give that a listen when you have a moment to yourself.

There is no rule about how many days to keep your kids out of school. Trust that your gut and the logistics will point the way. For example, whether your dad passes in the middle or end of the week might determine how many days they’re out of school. Or, you might take them out, only to find they spend most of the time goofing around like a normal day off—in which case they might as well be in class. (Don’t read into this latter situation, if that’s the case. Grief, like many emotions, can come and go on what looks like a whim, when it comes to young children.) You might want them home with you for comfort, or you might need them out of the house so you can focus on making funeral or estate arrangements. When the time comes, I promise you will either know what to do, or you’ll just make the best guess with the information you have. (You know those moments when you wonder whether your kid is sick enough to stay home from school or an activity, and you don’t know which is the “right” choice? It will probably feel like that.)

You’ll want to be equally fluid when it comes to how your kids will process, and participate in, this death. Your oldest two might want to have a role in some of the final rites, like saying goodbye or having a task at the funeral—or they might want no part in any of it. They might need a lot of comfort, or they might be full of pragmatic questions they need answered. When it comes to grief counseling, any of them might need it now, later or never. So, given that your husband will be running point for the kids during this time, make sure he knows what you want from the kids in this time and empower him to take their lead on anything else.

I would also let your kids’ teachers know what is happening. They can be on the lookout for signs of distress or distraction and may even call in the school social worker for support if needed. Let the friends’ parents know, too, in case you need more support from the village. (Both of these avenues were really helpful to us when my husband passed away.)

My Teen Sister Doesn’t Feel Safe in Her Home. My Solution is a Little Out There. My Wife Says She’s Too Pregnant to Give Me Pleasure. I Disagree. This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only Help! I’m Being Confronted in Parking Lots About My “Horrible Affair.” I Have to Set the Record Straight. My Son Played With My Husband’s Lego Set. The Way He Punished Him Horrified Me So Much That I’m Now Living at My Sister’s.

There are many charming books that can help you and your kids talk about death. A few I recommend are: Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie, The Invisible String by Patrice Karst (which also has a companion activity book available) and The Memory Box by Joanna Rowland.

My final piece of wisdom: It is OK to not do this perfectly. You are about to be a grieving daughter, and your mom is about to be a grieving spouse. You can’t really predict how that will look day-to-day. Inevitably you’re going to have moments when you feel like you’re too sad, too short-tempered, or too light-hearted, and you’ll wonder whether you’re doing OK by your kids showing up in that way. And you know what? Maybe those times won’t be your finest. But your grief doesn’t always have to be a lesson to your kids. They will see you model vulnerability, love, comfort and compassion, and they might see you totally fumble. But isn’t that just being human? Trust yourself, your husband and your loved ones, and just do the best that you can. It will be enough.

—Allison

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