I’m a 33-year-old bisexual redheaded cis woman from Europe. Last week, I stumbled across the word “gingerism,” and an important part of my life clicked into place. I went down a rabbit hole of stories from other redheads who, like me, have been bullied, hypersexualized, and treated like mythical creatures since puberty. Honestly? It felt like reading my diary, minus the glitter gel pen. Here’s the tea: I’ve always wondered if being a redhead — even while being considered conventionally attractive — has made my life unnecessarily complicated. Spoiler: it kinda has.

Until my 20s, I was shy as hell. Think quiet girl in the back of the class, just trying to survive. Meanwhile, classmates were publicly speculating about the color of my pubes — seriously — and boys would approach me like I was a one-night fantasy, not a human being. I was either adored or despised, no in-between. For years I thought I was the problem. Fast forward: I toughened up. I got louder, prouder, and way more assertive. Plot twist? Society doesn’t exactly throw a parade when a woman finds her voice. Especially not a redhead. Now I’m constantly walking the line between “sex goddess” and “too much.” Confidence? Misread as sexual suggestion. Assertiveness? Labeled aggressive, arrogant, intimidating. You get the idea. And when it comes to intimacy? Yikes. Way too often, my red hair turns me into a walking fetish. I’ve had multiple partners spring degrading kinks on me without asking — choking, spitting, the works — like redheads come with some kind of BDSM consent waiver. At this point, I’m genuinely afraid that my hair color and gender combo is making my sex life more dangerous than it should be.

I love my hair. It’s a part of me. I wouldn’t change it. But I’m also exhausted from being hypersexualized and misunderstood. So, here’s my question: Have you heard similar stories? Is this a legit issue affecting redheads? And what’s the deal with redheads still being overrepresented in porn as exotic, kinky, or straight-up submissive?

Got Issues, Need Guidance, Everything’s Rough

I’ve heard stories like yours before — upsetting stories about straight men who assumed choking and spitting didn’t require discussion or, you know, getting the consent of the woman in advance of the choking and spitting. But I’ve heard stories like yours from women of all kinds, GINGER, not just redheads. While I certainly don’t doubt that you’ve been subjected to a particular kind of sexual objectification as a redhead — and more on that in a moment — the kind of consent violations you describe are sadly common, GINGER, and all women are at risk.

Dr. Debby Herbenick, professor at Indiana University and a frequent Savage Lovecast guest, has done extensive research on sexual choking. Her findings are alarming: in a survey of more than five thousand students at a big Midwestern college, nearly two-thirds of female students said a partner had choked them during sex. Two-thirds! “Twenty years ago, sexual asphyxiation appears to have been unusual among any demographic, let alone young people who were new to sex and iffy at communication,” Peggy Orenstein, author of Girls & Sex, wrote in an opinion piece for the New York Times highlighting Dr. Herbenick’s research. “That’s changed radically in a short time, with health consequences that parents, educators, medical professionals, sexual consent advocates and teens themselves urgently need to understand.”

So, the problem isn’t your hair — or anything else about you — it’s that too many young men watch porn that portrays choking and spitting as normal and harmless sexual activities that all women enjoy. Our failure as a society to provide kids with the kind of comprehensive sex education that covers sexual pleasure, porn literacy, and consent along with reproductive biology (which can be covered in twenty minutes) makes the problem worse. Because in the absence of good sex ed — in the absence of any sex ed — porn performers wind up serving as sex educators, something they didn’t ask to do, aren’t trying to do, and shouldn’t be faulted for doing badly.

For the record: Some women enjoy being choked — some young men in Herbenick’s studies reported feeling uncomfortable or upset when their female partners asked to be choked — but porn took what was a minority taste (and a dangerous one) and made it look mainstream. So, I’m guessing the guys who tried to choke you weren’t thinking, “This is what kinky sex looks like,” or “This is how redheads want it,” but instead thinking, “This is what sex looks like, and this is how everyone wants it.”

All that said, GINGER, I don’t doubt that you’ve been hit with a very specific flavor of hyper-sexualization because of your hair. Encountering someone with an anomalous physical trait — redheads make up just 2% of the population — can bring out the worst in some people, as was the case with your asshole classmates. And for reasons we don’t fully understand, some people become erotically fixated on random things — which can include anomalous physical traits — at around or before puberty. For some, it’s red hair. For others, it’s big tits or sweaty feet or team mascots or latex swim caps.

It is exhausting to feel like you’re being fetishized — that is, to be seen and used as an object, not seen and enjoyed as a person. But in addition to the men you could instantly tell had a “thing” for redheads — in addition to the fetishists who made it weird — you’ve probably been with men who fetishized your hair but didn’t make it weird, i.e. men with a “thing” for redheads who could enjoy being with you without making you feel like an object and so you didn’t clock as fetishists.

Finally, I knew “gingerism” was a thing, but your letter made me dig a little deeper, GINGER, and I wound up falling right into that rabbit hole with you. I did not know, for instance, that ancient Egyptians sometimes sacrificed redheads to the Gods for reasons… or that the French didn’t think redheads could be trusted because Judas was a redhead… or that Germans used to believe women with red hair were witches. (The Wikipedia page about discrimination against people with red hair is a trip.) So yes, your feelings are valid — women with red hair are sometimes treated differently, and some men no doubt fetishize your hair — but it’s porn illiteracy, male entitlement, and fetishists who can’t walk and chew gum at the same time (fetishists who can’t enjoy your hair and treat you as a person) that are your sources of your grief.

P.S. Some redheads — male redheads — don’t feel like they’re objectified enough. Check out the Red Hot 100 Calendar, which was created to combat the stereotype that redheaded men aren’t sexy.

P.P.S. I sent your question to Peggy Orenstein, author of Girls & Sex and Boys & Sex, and she shared her thoughts with me via email…

Do people fetishize (and so objectify) redheads? Sure. Is it why your redhead friend is experiencing choking, spitting etc? Probably not. There has been in the last ten-ish years an huge rise in those behaviors — often unasked for, often unwanted — in otherwise consensual experiences. Choking, in particular has gone from being something that was unusual to something common, with two-thirds of college women in one ongoing, large-scale survey now saying they have experienced it. Up from, like, none.

There are two issues here: the first is physical safety. There’s a myth out there that there is a “safe” way to choke someone. There isn’t. And increasingly research is showing that aside from the risk of, you know, death, even light pressure on the neck (the amount of pressure that it takes to open a can of soda) may cause brain damage, especially when it happens repeatedly. So we’re looking at longterm cognitive impairment, which may not show up immediately, but also choking seems to be correlated with subsequent bouts of anxiety and depression. There’s more research being done on that now, but really, it’s just an unsafe practice. You say it all the time, Dan.

The second and equally important issue is consent. Our ginger friend has not consented to any of this. I don’t think most guys who do it are trying to be venal or abusive (and sometimes women request it), but they’ve seen these behaviors normalized in porn and increasingly pop culture so either they have become turned on by them or they think women universally like it or they are just acting out a script and no one is talking about it. It shouldn’t be on Ms. Ginger to have to say, “Dude, do not spit in my mouth,” but we may be at a moment where we have to be as clear up front about what we don’t want as much as what we do. People may have to say to a partner, “I’m not into choking, spitting, slapping, being called ‘bitch’ or ‘good girl’ or whatever, so please don’t do it or ask me to do it.” And then maybe offer up some things that you are into because: yes.

Dear Readers: I respond to comments from my readers and listeners in Struggle Session, a bonus column posted most Thursdays at savage.love. I usually include a question at the bottom of Struggle Session — a question from a reader that isn’t going to make it into the column — and invite my funny, insightful, and compassionate commenters to respond. Below you’ll find the bonus question that appeared in last week’s Struggle Session and a little of the advice Savage Love readers shared. — Dan

I’m a gay man in a wonderful monogamous (currently) relationship with the first and (hopefully) only love of my life for the past four years. This is my first relationship. My partner though is experienced sexually (3-digit body count) and enjoyed his college days, something I actually respect and admire about him. While I am a demisexual, and while I have a much lower body count than my partner (low single digits!), I have this pervasive fantasy about being in an open relationship. We’ve tried being with other people. My partner is not demisexual and has enjoyed the novelty. I, on the other hand, come back from experiences with others feeling empty and lost. And yet, the thought of being in an open relationship turns me on. The thought of other people finding me attractive, having a variety of sexual experiences (and a higher body count!), and hot twinks submitting to me are all things I crave.

A lot of the allure, I admit, comes from the chase. Many times, with the permission and full knowledge of my partner, I have gotten on Grindr, where I’ve gotten people to the point of meeting up and then — when the deal was sealed — lost interest and bailed. Maybe that speaks to deeply held insecurities about my own self-worth that I just want to feel attractive, something I feel I have never truly felt in the past. The problem is that this is now a never-ending spiral. I get intrigued by open relationships, talk to my partner about it, we try again, he enjoys himself, I come back feeling empty, we decide to stop. While my partner has been super patient, his patience with me about this is wearing thin.

I am desperate at this point to resolve it. How do I commit to monogamy and let go of this fantasy that is unsuitable for me in real life? I can’t keep putting my partner through this selfish, never-ending indecisive routine.

Demi And Confused

I’m a 33-year-old bisexual redheaded cis woman from Europe. Last week, I stumbled across the word “gingerism,” and an important part of my life clicked into place. I went down a rabbit hole of stories from other redheads who, like me, have been bullied, hypersexualized, and treated like mythical creatures since puberty. Honestly? It felt like reading my diary, minus the glitter gel pen. Here’s the tea: I’ve a

lways wondered if being a redhead — even while being considered conventionally attractive — has made my life unnecessarily complicated. Spoiler: it kinda has. Until my 20s, I was shy as hell. Think quiet girl in the back of the class, just trying to survive. Meanwhile, classmates were publicly speculating about the color of my pubes — seriously — and boys would approach me like I was a one-night fantasy, not a human being. I was either adored or despised, no in-between. For years I thought I was the problem. Fast forward: I toughened up. I got louder, prouder, and way more assertive. Plot twist? Society doesn’t exactly throw a parade when a woman finds her voice. Especially not a redhead. Now I’m constantly walking the line between “sex goddess” and “too much.” Confidence? Misread as sexual suggestion. Assertiveness? Labeled agg

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