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Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My half-sisters have made it crystal clear that they resent my existence. My parents met while our dad was separated from their mom and had a brief relationship—and had me. My sisters believe that if I hadn’t been born, then their parents would have gotten back together, despite our dad telling him the divorce would have happened anyway.
Our dad tried to build a relationship between us, but as soon as they turned 18, they refused to come around if I was there—even for events like our aunt’s wedding. I made efforts to try and connect with them in college for the sake of our dad. It didn’t go anywhere. They would never return my calls and would cancel any promised get-togethers.
I only think they tolerated me because they were living off our grandmother’s money at the time. She really wanted us all to get along. I quit trying after my eldest sister scheduled her wedding during the six months of my overseas internship. There was no way I could travel without losing my spot. She knew I couldn’t attend and told me over the phone it wouldn’t be a loss if I couldn’t attend. She denies ever saying it, of course.
At this point, I figured I would only ever see them at family funerals. Then I got my dream job and relocated to my dream location. It is a huge tourist attraction so suddenly everyone wants to visit me—including my sisters. It was surreal to hear them both call and try to chat me up after not speaking to each other for three years. I would have just told them where to shove it, but they were also chatting up our dad and sick grandmother. They are so delighted that we are “finally” acting like real sisters that I don’t want to hurt them by calling out the con. What should I do here?
—Tourist Trap
Dear Tourist Trap,
It would be so great to have everyone visit—if only you had the room! But, sadly, you don’t, right? You’re living in just a small one-bedroom apartment that, unfortunately, isn’t big enough to accommodate guests. No need for details. Don’t share pictures of guests you’ve hosted or that extra bedroom that may or may not be tucked away behind a closed door.
You can tell your father and grandmother that you’re delighted by your siblings’ change of heart and will be overjoyed to visit them at their hotel or Airbnb for a drink or even dinner.
In your heart, you know who these people are. I’m betting your dad knows, too. One day, during a quiet dinner with just the two of you, you can have a real conversation about life as you’ve experienced it. In the meantime, focus on your dream job with what I hope are dream colleagues and your mom and her side of the family. And try to enjoy this time in your life.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
I live in an apartment with two roommates, “Dan” and “Jerry,” due to the high cost of my area. My problem is that they keep taking food that belongs to me from our shared refrigerator despite each one of us having a designated shelf in the fridge where we keep our stuff. My requests to Dan and Jerry not to take my food without my permission have been repeatedly ignored. Our lease is up in four months. I am in the process of looking for a new place to live (I don’t intend to tell them until it’s time for me to move out), but until then, I intend to deduct the cost of the food they are taking from my portion of the rent. They can pay for it themselves. Does this sound like a good strategy?
—You Eat It, You Bought It
Dear You Eat It, You Bought It,
Are you friends with these people or are they just roommates you found on Craigslist with whom you share a common refrigerator? If it’s the former, withholding rent will likely turn them into the latter. But at this point, perhaps you don’t care.
My Boyfriend Knows My One Big Boundary in Bed. He Went Ahead and Broke It Anyway. My Wife Is Adamantly Against Allowing Our Daughter to Enjoy a Childhood Rite of Passage. Her Reason Makes No Sense. Help! We Generously Offered to Take Over Custody of Our Grandson. We’re So Frustrated at How His Parents Responded. My Sister’s Boyfriend Has Wormed His Way Into Everything My Family Does. I’m About to Snap.I think it’s worth another warning. Call a roommates meeting and tell them you’ve had it with people eating your food. Share how much money it costs to replenish what has been eaten (I assume you’ve been keeping track, right? If not, you should start). Ask them to come clean about who’s eaten what and ask for reimbursement. Then, ask them to stop. Again.
It may come to nothing, and at that point, you have a few options. First, buy your own, lockable, small refrigerator—perhaps you can keep it in your bedroom. Second, before you begin your last month, you can hand them both a bill for the missing items (assuming no one has fessed up). Your third option is not paying your final month of rent. I don’t think you should do that unless you’re ready for roommate warfare. If you put down a deposit or your name is on the lease, you’ll likely lose the deposit and could have a credit issue if they decide to stop paying the rent altogether. They could also toss your stuff on the street one day while you’re at work.
If you don’t care about your stuff, that’s one thing. But you might be better off taking this whole ordeal as a lesson in roommate relations and moving out quietly.
—Ilyce
Classic Prudie
I own a condo. During COVID, my girlfriend “Anna” moved in. It wasn’t a good fit. Our personalities clashed too much and we both pretty much agreed to break up. I thought we could still be friends and offered to let Anna stay on a month-to-month lease until she saved enough to move out. Then the housing market went nuts and Anna lost her job (she has gotten another one). It has been over a year. Anna shows no signs of wanting to get going and has even gone on two vacations with her family.
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