Are these truly the worst songs of all-time? Satan has politely asked me to look into it as part of a research journal.

Roughly six lifetimes ago, Blender (ask your parents what a magazine was) revealed their list of the “50 Worst Songs Ever” and I’m going to go through each entry one-by-one. How rotten is this trash? Are there songs in here that are unfairly categorized as bad? Why didn’t anyone tell Phil Collins not to do that voice? Take my hand as we flutterboard through the garbage water.

50. Celine Dion — My Heart Will Go On

“Any room for a gentleman, gentlemen?” BILLY ZANE! YOU CAD! It’s a shame Celine didn’t do a track for Demon Knight or The Phantom. *weeps directly into a vase with a single rose* What might have been. *editorial sigh*

Welcome back to the age of Titanic, which included Celine belting out the theme tune with all the schmaltzy “THIS IS IMPORTANT” passion (It’s like you’re right there with those drowning Irish! Isn’t that fun!) adult contemporary radio could handle. It’s a bummer because it’s all very self-serious (not that you could do “Jack & Rose Funny Fuck Reprise(Farter’s Revenge)”) which makes its constant replays press on tired muscles and nerves. “My Heart Will Go On” isn’t 50 Worst-worthy, but for those of us that lived through its unshakeable grip on radio, that irritation hasn’t gone away. You can perform up to 90 seconds of this as a bit and then no dice. No more bit. Get the fuck outta here. Bored midway through the song? Do the “near, far, wherever you are” in the Sesame Street sketch Grover voice and you’ll be back on your feet for a stretch.

Like a lot of terrible people on reality TV, “My Heart Will Go On” is “a lot.” It will appear in bad comedy routines until 2099 and we are all much worse off for it. Put on “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” instead and enjoy your life. That’s a song you can ride a motorcycle through a castle to!

49. Right Said Fred —I’m Too Sexy

Thrilling fashion montage? THRILLING FASHION MONTAGE! Even with its healthy dose of cheek, the narcissist skewering “I’m Too Sexy” sounds borderline modest in 2020 where our hitmakers shout-out self-love like they’ve been buried under a mountain of Hitachi Magic Wands. (Not necessarily a criticism, just a fun contrast. Also, everyone’s simultaneously very sad and very self-empowered which I imagine can be a sticky emotional wicket.)

“I’m Too Sexy” has benefited from a goodwill refresh after a hiatus as a mandatory wedding reception and mid-budget comedy staple. Even at a 2:50 run time, it does spend too long shaking its tush on the catwalk. You get the gist of it in about 60 seconds and the eye starts to wander from said sexiness. Best enjoyed as a dance-pop treat that loses its initial awesome flavour rapidly like a stick of Juicy Fruit on the tongue.

48. The Beatles — Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

Already a pox on this earth for inspiring “The Offspring’s Why Don’t You Get a Job?” this is about as wretched as The Beatles get as a unit. Even if you’re Paul McCartney during White Album era Fab Four, snatching a Yoruba phrase (in this case: Conga player Jimmy Scott) and transforming it into some kind of ska-adjacent mush is still going to look pretty awful. It sounds awful too. This song is hell. It sucks. It’s bad. It should be taken to The Hague for war crimes.

47. Bryan Adams — The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You

Bryan Adams is ready to fuck you now. How fun is that? Not fun? I could imagine.

“The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me is You” was wheezing with old man vibes when it overflowed from Bryan Adams’ toilet when it was released in 1996 and it still has that stale piss geezer stink. Not 50 Worst bad, but certainly “get this the hell away from me” bad. The lil’ stinker guitar bursts, junior high poetry, an aura of lecherousness you’d associate with a branded strip club bomber jacket.

46. New Kids on the Block — Hangin’ Tough

I didn’t care much for Backstreet Boys or *NSYNC as a kid, but for a tiny sliver of time, I was in the pocket of NKOTB. Like Jem and She-Ra, they ALSO had a cartoon series so clearly they were the hottest of shit. The interest didn’t last too long (probably 2–3 months? mild revival when Barenaked Ladies did a song about ’em)but I think I had a soft spot for them that I didn’t give BSB or *NSYNC. The point is NKOTB mastermind Maurice Starr did better things with New Edition and let’s all have a think about that.

“Hangin’ Tough” is almost impressive in its nothingness. It’s like the official theme song for the “tough” mascots in a really awful amusement park. In my mind, I can see the sparks coming off a giant ant with a Confederate flag bandana doing this song and I am not happy. The song’s bad is what I’m getting at.

45. Ja Rule featuring Ashanti — Mesmerize

Ja Rule is sort of like a weird internet mascot now. (Time is cruel. So is being outpaced by loads more talented people.) In the early 00s, Ja Rule was taken semi-seriously as was the Murder Inc. Good Time Gang, which included a seemingly endless array of Ja Rule and Ashanti duets. A TITAN OF THE GENRE OF THE 00S DUETS! “Mesmerize” is the most popular of the lot (non JLo division) and has a Grease-themed video buddied up alongside it. “I’ve got a fetish for fucking you with your skirt on,” was probably tried by many a would-be junior high Casanova (Casanovstresses too) before a raised knee comes to obliterate a groin. Grease was never my cup of tea, but maybe it just needed Ecstacy and on-screen penetration to really pop? Anyway, this is nothing special.

44. Meat Loaf — I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)

“But what was that? Spend a weekend with his mother-in-law? HURF DURF MAHURF!” It was responses like these on Vh1 talking head shows at the turn of the century that allowed celebrities to pay off student loans, boat splurges and the occasional divorce. “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)” was treated like some kind of mystery to be unlocked (like Meat Loaf was some kind of dipshit that wasn’t going to eat pussy or something like that before we had Diet Dr. Pepper commercials on the matter), but the moment you start unpacking Jim Steinman lyrics and philosophy you’ve lost the battle.

CONTROVERSIAL TAKE: “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)” feels a little bit like SteinLoaf are pulling a bit of their Bat Out of Hell II mom/dad rock Caligula extravaganza punches. To plunk it in the Worst 50 is a bit much, though. It’s lesser Loaf in parts, but there’s lots of good Loaf to gorge on too within the track. It crashes, smashes and is roughly the size of a skyscraper. That’s what you want out of this sort of thing.

43. Uncle Kracker — Follow Me

HA HA HA! Oh Uncle Kracker, were you ever born or did you just emerge out of a small city casino booker’s fantasies? And why couldn’t it have been someone else from Kid Rock’s Twisted Brown Trucker band? Anyway, “Follow Me” is soulless country soft rock you’d mistake for the royalty-free music used in a deck stain ad. This song absolutely fucking sucks and the track he did for (gulp) X-Pac is better.

42. Simon & Garfunkel— The Sound of Silence

Likely appearing on this list as a mild provocation, I understand why “The Sound of Silence” rubs folks the wrong way. It rubs me the wrong way too. It’s great nestled in a movie or TV show once in an Olympic cycle, but Christ, if you listen to this recreationally you’re one sick fuck. “Silence like a cancer grows,” sings Paul Simon knowing we’ll give these lyrics a pass because they sound so profound and pot was “different” back then and I just can’t be bothered.

41. Billy Joel — We Didn’t Start The Fire

FUCK YEAH! BILLY JOEL IS GONNA TELL IT LIKE IS! TIME WILL FUCK YOU UP! Resembling an Animaniacs sketch aimed at slackers trying to cram for a world history exam with just 5 minutes left to study, “We Didn’t Start the Fire” is an absurd jumble with its charms and is nowhere near is profound as it imagines itself to be. (And Christ, that Psycho sound drop is crawl under the universe embarrassing.) A lot of its power comes from being blitzing through references with the fury and leaving a wake of unsatisfying parodies that elevate the original. It doesn’t hurt either that this a fun song to sing along to when you try to match the intensity Joel brings. I have a soft spot for “We Didn’t Start the Fire”

40. Color Me Badd — I Wanna Sex U Up

It’s wild that Color Me Badd’s approach to fashion and style would somehow score them even more sexing up in 2020. Toss ’em on a Brockhampton or Dreamville tour and watch the neon undergarments go flying.

For as clowned on Color Me Badd was by survivors of their music, they did pop up with this track on New Jack City which is a more impressive seal of approval than the band gets credit for. Less impressive? Lines like “Makin’ love until we drown” which don’t sound all that healthy. You do have to admire when aggressively clumsy sexuality is sung with confidence. “I Wanna Sex U Up” is not a standout to be championed, but Bottom 50 it ain’t. Heck, how could you put a song with so much of Shuggie Otis’ “Strawberry Letter 23” shamelessly built-in inside the category?

39. Ricky Martin — She Bangs

“She Bangs” has a lot of weird baggage to it. For one, it became the signature song of William Hung (a man who will be the subject of an amazing documentary in the next 10 years, I reckon) and it’s also part of Ricky Martin’s erosion in popularity from his U.S. superduper crossover megastar status. (This may have also been that time where he talked about golden showers from a woman was the sexiest thing you can experience, so it was a different Ricky era.) The lyrics are an incomprehensible mess which is the sort of thing that happens when Desmond Child’s involved, but if nothing else there’s fun cheesy passion radiating off Ricky and this salsa-kissed number. I feel like I’d go from “this stinks’ to “cyanide, please and thank you!” on this cut if I worked for a cruise ship in the early ’00s, mind you.

38. Rednex —Cotton Eye Joe

Like a lot of dumbass pisspants prairie kids in the ‘90s, “Cotton Eye Joe” had near mythical powers that revealed themselves at hockey games. Scandanavian techno hoedown music is hockey music. That was the rule laid down by God (or probably a guy named “Blaze” at a Lethbridge rink) and who was I to judge? Oddly enough, the version I grew up listening to was a The Asylum level of “cover(?)” by some guy named Dave H that appeared on my Power Play (Sports Anthems) compilation. The Rednex version is infinitely better and God help me a fucking triumph. Like a KLF track without the art or 100 gecs trapped in a Quantum Leap situation, this is a tune where questions are to be raised, but fuck it let’s get square dancing.

37. Gerardo — Rico Sauve

How cool would it have been if Gerardo set off an Ecuadorian pop craze that swept the globe in the ‘90s? It had a better chance in America than Baggy, for one. “Rico Suave” is not good, but it’s nice to have ridiculous lothario tracks every now and again that let people say their alias while dance-posing. It’s more of a harmless curio that becomes harmless when white uncles and aunts want to incorporate it into a racially insensitive wedding reception or gender reveal (woof!) video.

36. Master P featuring Fiend, Silkk the Shocker, Mia X & Mystikal— Make ’Em Say Uhh!

Hard fucking no. “Make ’Em Say Uhh!” is not without its faults (namely the irritating skit baked into the opening), but it’s also a stellar posse cut with moments for everybody to shine like they’re standing atop a solid gold tank. Shit, this track is a gold tank of Louisiana rap braggadocio and bombast. Backboards shatter, horns sound the charge and a guttural hook adds bonus flex.

35. R.E.M. — Shiny Happy People

Legend (and Wikipedia) have it that “Shiny Happy People” was the initial Friends theme back in its pilot stage, so that makes Friends a show with not one but two theme songs on this list. (I’ll have to do research on if the Stark Raving Mad had early intros featuring Aqua and Color Me Badd.) Legend also has it that R.E.M. don’t think much of this song and that Michael Stipe’s particularly down on it feeling it doesn’t represent the best of their work. Of course, that didn’t stop R.E.M. from releasing music in the 2000s, but what can you do?

“Shiny Happy People” is fine and gave us “Shiny Happy Monsters” so lighten up, Stipe.

34. Dan Fogelberg — Longer

Softer than a terry cloth robe made of pre rebrand Drake, “Longer” is not trying to cause any trouble. There’s a strong chance one of your parents came fucking hard while having sex with this on (probably the flugelhorn moment) and it gets them horny when they come across it on the speakers at drugstore. It’s nothing worth blowing your beans over now. Not particularly memorable or much of anything, really.

33. Aqua — Barbie Girl

“Barbie Girl” is slick, sly, subversive pop genius and I won’t be hearing otherwise. René Dif mugged so Pitbull could preen. Lene Nystrøm wraps cheeky wit around her finger as the world dances madly around the pool. What’s not to love?

32. Will Smith featuring K-Ci — Will 2K

Will Smith, who you may know as the star of cinema’s Collateral Beauty, greeted the Willennium with open arms and endless woos. Bless his heart for it. Will frets over who’s going to clean up the confetti on New Year’s over The Clash in a ridiculous party-rap cocktail (that’d be non-threatening to Ned Flanders) that wants to make sure everyone’s having a good time.

31. Crash Test Dummies — Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Speaking as one of the 19 Crash Test Dummies fans still in existence, lemme say that I completely understand the visceral dislike “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” can bring out of people. It’s also what makes this song’s status as the ultimate left-field hit of its era. A bunch of Winnipeggers doling out a bunch of half-baked stories punctuated by humming over a dramatic slab of CBC morning folk. I admire its audacity in existing as not only a single but a successful one at that. Hell, we even got a Weird Al parody out of the deal. That wasn’t going to happen with “The Ghosts That Haunt Me” or “Afternoons & Coffeespoons,” no matter how many handwritten suggestions I may have prepared to send to Mr. Yankovic.

30. Whitney Houston — Greatest Love Of All

Our love affair with schlubs singing in auditions in a bid for a singing career life preserver on reality TV has dwindled greatly since this Whitney Houston cover was plunked on this Blender list. In fairness, “Greatest Love of All” is ropey enough on its own, but Whitney elevates it to being an irritating song sung by a serious talent that gives the heme of self-worth extra oomph. This is a song that also probably soundtracked some darkly hilarious responses to forced retirements in the ‘80s.

29. Deep Blue Something — Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Thankfully not performed from the perspective of Mickey Rooney’s racist character of landlord I. Y. Yunioshi, Deep Blue Something still managed to stink up the aura around “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” in their own way. Watery nothingness masquerading as buoyant jangle-adjacent 90s rock, “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” has all the hallmarks of pseudo-sensitive boy guitar music of the time right down to a cultural reference that doesn’t really pay any real dividends. Boo. And hiss too.

28. John Mayer —Your Body Is A Wonderland

This fucking piece of shit, eh? Presumably originally titled “Your Body Is A Wonderland (In Case You’re Black, Cuz David Duke Dick Amirite? I’m A Charmer!)”, this is one of the many John Mayer tracks that are a pox on the planet and conservative high school dances. Alarmingly similar to what an Uncle Kracker would be throwing down at the time, “Your Body Is A Wonderland” is mediocre pap with lyrics that will make you cringe yourself inside out. A song so awful that I would welcome making physical affection illegal to prevent more songs like this from existing. His hit “Daughters” can also die screaming. Fuck this guy.

27. Europe — The Final Countdown

Frequent use in pop culture has transformed the silliness of Europe’s 80s arena-rock bombast into something different from where it started and that’s kinda neato. Anchored by a keyboard riff that sounds like it’s announcing the knights of a Medieval Times franchise on Venus, the unapologetic pomp of “The Final Countdown” is what earned it ridicule, but it’s also the song’s fundamental charm. A stampeding gallop of hairspray and cocksure swagger about an absurd space mission envisioned by Swedes, “The Final Countdown” gets better with age. Unless you’re in a junior hockey tournament in Stockholm where I imagine you’d rather have a gun for breakfast than hear that song again.

26. The Doors —The End

Jim Morrison is not for me. The Doors are not for me. Everything about them feels like a conversation (or more accurately, someone dominating it) with someone you want to get away from. The poetry in Morrison’s lyrics would be shallow if it weren’t so empty to begin with and set to this funeral dirge? Who could love this? The Doors are as solid of an example as you can find that a dorm room poster doesn’t need to be a band. You wouldn’t want your illustrated shot list poster to become a band either. (NOTE: That band would be/is LMFAO.)

25. Puff Daddy and Faith Evans featuring 112 —I’ll Be Missing You

In 2020, I’m taken aback a bit by there only being a 14 year gap between “Every Breath You Take” and “I’ll Be Missing You.” As a kid, the gap between those two songs was like centuries of distance. Now, if someone were to sample like Natasha Bedingfield I would have to take a moment to wonder if it’s too soon. (It’s not.)

What am I banging on about? Oh yeah, this Notorious B.I.G. tribute. Like a lot of folks my age, “I’ll Be Missing You” was INCREDIBLY important. I had a “supertape” I made at the time of whatever I thought was important to tape of the TV and onto VHS. As a result, 3–4 complete or started in-progress editions of this song’s accompanying video made it onto my tape. Can I say “I’ll Be Missing You” is particularly good? Not on your life. I wouldn’t rate it in the world of dirt worst, though. It’s a snapshot of time done with an earnest heart, dynamic performances and a complete understanding of itself. That’s a feat not all songs can pull off.

24. Five For Fighting — Superman (It’s Not Easy)

Five For Fighting, a band that has a grip on NHL events like Saliva once did WWE, saw their Metropolis moan ballad soar up the chart as 9/11 montages were synced accordingly to the soft rock sounds. Without the scenes of a horrific tragedy to accompany it, “Superman( It’s Not Easy)” comes across as wet toilet paper pap which is a long way of saying yes, this song sucks. Hey, you wanna song about Superman from someone on this list? Crash Test Dummies have a much better one.

23. Corey Hart — Sunglasses at Night

Some 80s songs get a bad reputation because they’re used a punchline to let you know what decade’s being referenced. (Example: Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like The Wolf.) “Sunglasses at Night” has definitely gotten the punchline treatment, but it’s deserved. “Sunglasses at Night” is a urethra obstruction pretending to be a dynamic New Wave anthem. Presumably, the aggressive thump kicks ass for taking bumps, but what’s good to me as a non-cokehead when all I get is a nasty porridge of aimless synth whining. Some songs should just be stripped for parts. This one included.

22. Toby Keith — Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)

If you only commit a hate crime to one song this century…

Not sure if you need me to point this out, but yes, this song is terrible.

21. Spin Doctors —Two Princes

Considered to be more or less musical bongwater, Spin Doctors were a fun dash of two-hit wonder even if (understandably) critically panned. “Two Princes” was the stronger of their two big offerings, and yes that includes the painful white guy scatting in the package. A tune so beer commercial in spirit you half-expert to hear “Some conditions apply. No purchase necessary.” in the first 30 seconds, “Two Princes” has an affable doofusness to its persona. Get one of those dumb toques with the tie-up strings on each side and flap your dumbass body around and let the dumbness flow through you.

20. Lionel Richie — Dancing on the Ceiling

The real tragedy here is the Lionel Richie has recorded a song that sounds like it’s from the perspective of someone’s that danced on the ceiling. That song is “All Night Long” and it’s miles better than this. “Dancing on the Ceiling” is the right kind of silly Lionel, but executed without any real zazz. It’s promotional video R&B pop that sounds ready to intro in a guide to do-it-yourself home repair themed jazzercise.

19. Mr. Mister — Broken Wings

Mr. Mister does mondo maudlin for this song that’s best use was easily for sex scenes in MacGruber. “Broken Wings” has more meaning in that context, but you can tell those Mr. Mister boys really believed they had something important wafting within the synth wave dry ice that is this bloated gasbag of a pop-rock number. If this song inspired you to walk again or something like that, you have bad taste in music for your lifechanging personal milestones.

18. Chicago — You’re The Inspiration

Chicago have been an absolute blind spot in my life outside of when they appear on the crawl of a Time Life Sounds of the 70s and 80s compilation infomercials and I don’t imagine that’ll change. “You’re the Inspiration” is drippy soft rock clearly co-formed in David Foster’s uninspiring butthole. Strangely, this style would be feted when Bon Iver and his contemporaries gave it in a mini-makeover in the 2010s. Big ol’ bowl of yuck this song. It’s not meant for consumption outside of bad PowerPoint presentations for anniversary ceremonies.

17. Hammer — Pumps and a Bump

MC Hammer’s attempted reinvention as a harder-edged figure after his peak period is mythologized a bit. In reality, “Pumps and a Bump” was still a familiar Hammer. Sure, the video had him out of parachute pants and into a dong-cradling zebra Speedo, but it doesn’t seem all that nutty that a pop-rap megastar would pluck sounds of the moment (hello, G-Funk squeal) and try to create a “bums are splendid!” number to be blasted for summers to come. “Pumps and a Bump” falls apart if you listen to it for an extended stretch, sort of like how a greasy burger can do the same. It’s not a high mark in the career of Hammer and yes it did hurt him, but also PUMPS AND A BUMP! (*makes safe umpiring gesture*

16. 4 Non-Blondes —What’s Up?

This song is a festering nü-folk sore that is bad on the radio, bad at your local karaoke bar and bad in whatever undeserved film or TV association you want to give it. Bloated, banal and the thing of open mic nightmares. If you saw Linda Perry in her stupid 4 Non-Blondes that making a meal of the word “revolution” you would want all coffeehouses wiped from the earth. “What’s Up?” has all the charm of being waterboarded with buffalo piss and I do not care for being waterboarded with buffalo piss.

15. The Rembrandts — I’ll Be There For You

Uh oh! Look at David Schwimmer and Matt Le Blanc all back-to-back like a pair of real rockin’ rockers. “I’ll Be There For You” works as a zippy theme song that goes in and out in under a minute. To be held captive for more than that time breeds nausea beckoned on in part by the terrible lyrics wedged in by the show’s creators. If Marcel the Monkey could have been given the ability to monkey shriek the signature claps, I feel like David Crane and Marta Kauffman would press the monkey shriek button in a heartbeat. While not 50 Worst worthy, I think “I’ll Be There For You” does a good job of showing how aggressively unhip music can be in a show about sexy twentysomething fuckbuds in New York City.

14. Bette Midler —From A Distance

God: What a kinky fucker, eh? With their voyeurism and not wanting to intervene. Inspirational to some, cloying and borderline insulting to sensible folk, Bette does her best on this ropey ballad about how God pretty much adheres to the rules of a camera crew filming a fistfight on TLC programming. This adult contemporary hymn’s biggest strength is putting Bette front and centre to showcase her talent and the song’s biggest weakness is all you can do is sit with this amorphous blob of inspirational wall art.

13. Genesis — Illegal Alien

“Got out of bed, wasn’t feeling too good, with my wallet and my passport, a new pair of shoes. The sun is shining so I head to the bar, with a bottle of Tequila and a new pack of ciiiiigaaaaarettes.” Gosh, it’s almost as if Phil Collins, Tony Banks and Mike Rutherford aren’t equipped to write an immigration-themed satire from the post of view of a Mexican in America, eh?

“Illegal Alien” is one big bag of no thank you that even features Phil trying a comedy Mexican accent for size. It goes about the way that you think. The tune itself isn’t bad if you like mid 80s Genesis, but it’s an excruciating listen. When you hear Phil sing about assorted forms you start to feel like this is like something 10cc would create to make fun of 10cc.

12. The Beach Boys —Kokomo

“Kokomo” is the kind of soulless where just hearing the opening puts me in a cold sweat. It’s the sound of a million Margaritaville commemorative glasses clinking together at the wedding reception of the damned and 20,000 gallons of Carnival Cruise Line septic waste being released into a buffet. “Kokomo” fucking sucks, dude.

11. Clay Aiken — Invisible

I don’t know if Claymates imagined Clay was spying on them in their room, but it doesn’t make this song any less creepy. Sung from the perspective of someone dreaming of watching someone in their room as an unnoticed entity, the big twist to this soft rocker is that realization that our narrator isn’t some kind of Hollow Man but just ignored (invisible if you will) by the object of their affection. Like a lot of Idol stars, Clay was a success singing beloved classics with skill and showing personality which is something the show could provide, but the management and record labels affiliated with these acts seemingly could not. The end product is stuff like “Invisible” that have no personality, creepazoid lyrics, bland production and a lack of direction. With that said, Ruben Studdard’s “Sorry 2004” kicks this song’s ass.

10. Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder— Ebony and Ivory

Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder are musical geniuses. They’ve written countless hits that are known and loved worldwide and when they joined forces… well, it was pretty fucking bad. This is like Batman and Superman coming together to do something and the end product is the invention of the salmon M&M. I don’t want to pick on “Ebony and Ivory” too much because its message of racial harmony, but on the other hand maybe Macca could have asked Stevie for some help. Instead, this song sounds like something Paul knocked out in an evening after taking some cool new painkillers and decided he’d solved racism. It turns out: He hadn’t. He created a dribble of a duet instead.

9. Madonna — American Life

Madonna raps! Poorly. But you could have guessed that already. Here! Subject yourself to it if you’re so brave:

“I’m drinking a soy latte I get a double shot-e It goes right through my body, and you know I’m satisfied I drive my Mini Cooper, and I’m feeling super-dooper Yo, they tell I’m a trooper, and you know I’m satisfied I do yoga and pilates, and the room is full of hotties So I’m checking out the bodies, and you know I’m satisfied I’m digging on the isotopes This metaphysics shit is dope, and if all this can give me hope You know I’m satisfied I got a lawyer and a manager, an agent and a chef Three nannies, an assistant, and a driver, and a jet A trainer, and a butler, and a bodyguard, or five A gardener and a stylist Do you think I’m satisfied? I’d like to express my extreme point of view I’m not a Christian and I’m not a Jew I’m just living out the American dream And I just realized that nothing is what it seems”

When did you pluck your eyeballs out of your skull and toss them across the room to save yourself some embarrassment? Was it the “I drive my Mini Cooper” part? Anyway, this album sucked so bad Madonna was forced to create the masterpiece “Hung Up” and that’s at least a minor victory. FWIW, I think “American Life” is a marginally better effort than Madge’s “American Pie” cover.

8. Eddie Murphy — Party All The Time

Before all performers were expected to be triple-to-octuple threats (or at least have rich parents), it was considered vain of Eddie to put out an album while he was on top of the world. Personally? I’m all for it. “Party All The Time” is god-awful and no amount of gakked up Rick James is going to change that. It’s a remarkably flimsy tune (Eddie’s vocals would get better over time kinda sorta, though) but at least seems to understand its novelty and frivolousness. I have more goodwill towards this track than three-quarters of what made Blender’s 50.

7. Bobby McFerrin — Don’t Worry, Be Happy

My mom likes to tell the story about how I wandered off once as a toddler in a public place and was found later on a stage singing “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” into a microphone. She finds it super cute, but I think I’d be terrified of that sight. A 3-year-old brat singing a tuneless “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” into the void? That’s when an evil action figure or a team of ghost vampires come to fuck up the joint.

“Don’t Worry, Be Happy” is a victim of its own success. A capella odes to self care from a jazz maverick aren’t exactly designed to be played around the clock on assorted FM stations. It’s an anomaly and a fascinating one at that. I certainly wouldn’t recommend tossing it on between Prince and Sylvester at a dance party, but it’s much better than its former reputation

6. Huey Lewis & The News — The Heart of Rock & Roll

What better way to salute the heart of rock & roll than to roll out this grey haemorrhoid donut of a thing designed to draw cheers from whatever rubes went to see Huey Lewis on this tour. “Did he just say the heart of rock & roll is also in our town? We’re doing butt stuff on the water tower, tonight!” There’s nothing rocking, jostling or even creating the illusion of movement in “The Heart of Rock & Roll” and is the sort of thing the villain wanting to put a golf course over the graves over dead party animals would play to convince the crowd he’s cool. Huey’s better than this.

5. Vanilla Ice —Ice Ice Baby

Vanilla Ice is a handsome idiot. This is more of less the extent of what he can provide to the world outside of browbeating people on The Surreal Life for not respecting the BMX celebrity community. I don’t care who has the rights to “Ice Ice Baby” right now or if window dangling is involved. “Ice Ice Baby” is the sort of thing that let ass rappers like Asher Roth off the hook for so long. (“Well, at least it’s not Vanilla Ice, etc.”) Pure garbage.

4. Limp Bizkit — Rollin’

FUCK YEAH! BIZKIT TIME! I’ll say this for Limp Bizkit, they’re loads more fun to go back and listen to (including and often as a goof) versus the Korns, Papa Roaches and Orgys of the world. (Hell, that includes Nü Vanilla Ice too.) I was a Bizkit fan as a youngo and bailed midway through Significant Other’s single rollout, so “Rollin’” is something I’ve been predisposed to hate. I’ve grown to have a soft spot for this thing. It’s absolutely awful and deserving of bottomfeeder status, although I think there’s a handful of other Limp Bizkit singles that could rank higher in the bad music power rankings. Put on some cargo shorts, get a friend and punch each other in the yogurt to this! It’s a moderately good time if you’re in a specific mood.

3. Wang Chung — Everybody Have Fun Tonight

Wang Chung are white people’s Kool & The Gang and this is what you get when you have a white people Kool & The Gang. (You get something bad.)

2. Billy Ray Cyrus — Achy Breaky Heart

Billy Ray’s smug-ass delivery of “He never really liked me anyway” probably should have tipped us off that he wasn’t going to be pulled from his celebrity status without a fight. (Or a paternity test that would cause a fight.) “Achy Breaky Heart” benefited from a 90s thirst for line dancing, but that doesn’t save it from still being an irritating cosmo country fartaround. On listen one it’s sorta cute, on listen two it’s tiresome and by listen six (over say a 5–20 year period) is that sort of thing where you’d rather die in a magic show accident than hear its relentless burb-durba-durb.

1. Starship — We Built This City

I’m not into S&M because I don’t like a dash of torture in my sex (OVERSIMPLIFICATION I KNOW) but some songs have that weird pain-pleasure pull that makes me feel like a pop cenobyte. Prime example: The outrageous glittering trash heap that is “We Built This City.” This is a branch vulgar auteruism I can understand! An anti corporate rock anthem gussied up in the most corporate rock package at all, the husks of Jefferson Starship babble on about Marconi playing the mamba with unrestrained enthusiasm. This Bernie Taupin co-penned affront to God is so spectacularly disingenuous and convinced of its own path that it resembles a song a cult leader puts out as their arrogance spirals out of control. I admire its sheer insanity and how can you not get swept up in the enthusiasm. Or get “knee-deep in the hoopla!” It’s an awesome hypocrisy banger that is fueled by its own ridiculousness and that’s a good foundation for anything if you ask me.